"That Obama Show"
By John Saleeby
Feb 1st, 2013
Point Place, Wisconsin
3:40 PM April 16, 1977
ERIC (OFFSCREEN): An Exchange Student?
DONNA (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, from overseas!
ERIC (OFFSCREEN): Wow!
The Basement of the Forman House. Eric Forman sits around with his friends Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie
KELSO: Know what would be a funny name for an Exchange Student?
ERIC: Like that funny hat with the tassle?
DONNA: A hat with a tassle?
HYDE: I like the sound of that!
There is a knock on the door
ERIC: Come on in!
The door opens and the Teenage Barack Obama enters in a huge cloud of smoke.
OBAMA: I am Barack Obama!
Everybody coughs from the smoke
ERIC: Oh! What is that?
KELSO: Whattya mean, Choom?!
OBAMA: Inhale! Inhale!
They breath in the smoke.
OBAMA: Choom! Choom!
They exhale the smoke and stare off into space. They have become Zombies.
They exhale and look over at Obama.
He is now the adult President Obama wearing a suit and a crown.
MUSIC: The Darkness covers the Cheap Trick cover of Big Star's "In The Street."
Eric is behind the wheel of the Forman's smoke filled station wagon while Obama rides in the backseat. Eric sings along with the Music.
ERIC: Hangin' out . . .
Donna is behind the wheel
DONNA: Down the street . . .
Hyde is behind the wheel.
HYDE: The same old thing . . .
Kelso is behind the wheel.
KELSO: Because we're weak!
Eric's Father Red is behind the wheel.
RED: I wish I had a job so bad!
The Fotomat stand can be barely seen through the smoke. A hand lettered "OBAMAMAT" poster is taped over the Fotomat sign. Leo (Played by Super Celebrity Comedy Guest Tommy Chong!) sits in the booth ranting at the Chooming Zombies wandering past.
LEO: Hey, man, I've smoked a lot of dope but that Choom stuff ain't like no dope I ever smoked before, man! That Obama guy is on some weird Charles Manson Mind Control Trip, man! If you don't watch out there's no tellin' what kinda weird Helter Skelter scene that dude is gonna be draggin' you poor Zombies into!
Back in the Forman Basement - Eric, Red, Donna, and Hyde are busy redecorating the place into a duplicate of the White House Oval Office. Obama sits behind the desk listening to a record on a turntable and looking at the cover of a Cheech And Chong album.
Tommy Chong is heard on the record
CHONG: That Obama guy is on some weird Charles Manson Mind Control Trip, man!
CHEECH: Oh, he's good dude, man!
CHONG: If you don't watch out there's no tellin' what kinda weird Helter Skelter scene that dude is gonna be draggin' you poor Zombies into!
CHEECH: You mean he's gonna have us breakin' into Roman Polanski's house and -
Obama lifts the needle off of the record.
OBAMA: Everybody get over here now!
EVERYBODY: Yes, Obama!
They lurch over to the desk and Obama begins handing out knives
OBAMA: You all know where the Fotomat is, right?
ERIC: You mean the Obamamat?
OBAMA: Oh, I dunno. This is silly by even John Saleeby Acid Logic article standards . . .
The Obamamat stand as Eric, Donna, Red, and Hyde sneak up on all four sides and crawl inside.
The Camera remains on the stand as we hear voices and sound effects from inside.
LEO: Hey, man, what are you guys doing in here?
RED: We're here to kill you, Leo!
LEO: Huh? Kill me? That's a drag, man!
ERIC: He ran away!
RED: Don't just stand there, dumb ass! Let's get him!
LEO: You can't catch me, man!
DONNA: You go down that hallway, I'll check through all the rooms . . .
Footsteps running up stairs.
HYDE: He's upstairs!
RED: Let's go!
They all thunder up the stairs.
DONNA: Where did he go?
ERIC: Maybe he's up on the Third Floor?
LEO: Ha ha ha!
RED: Damn! He lowered himself to the first floor on a rope!
LEO: You guys are lame, man!
RED: Let's go!
ERIC: Ow! Ow!
They all fall down the stairs
RED: Oh! My knee!
ERIC: Get off of me!
A horse whinnies.
LEO: High Ho, Hendrix! Away!
RED: Quick! Everybody get in one of these Go Carts!
Go Carts start up and take off.
ERIC: Look out for the cash register!
There is a crash.
One Hour Later . . .
The Oval Office-Basement.
Obama stands behind the desk as Jackie stands by the door.
JACKIE: Kelso's not here?
OBAMA: Uh . . . No. You wanna hang out?
JACKIE: I'll see you later.
OBAMA: Uh . . . Choom! Choom!
He desperately sucks in smoke, holds his breath, and exhales a huge cloud.
Eric, Donna, Red, and Hyde enter, covered with blood.
ERIC: President Obama!
Eric puts Leo's decapitated head on the desk.
OBAMA: But now you have to kill Kelso!
DONNA: Kill Kelso?
HYDE: Why would we kill Kelso?
LEO'S HEAD: He wants to get Kelso out of the way so he can have that cute little Jackie chick all to himself!
Obama stares at the head.
LEO'S HEAD: Uh oh!
Leo's head explodes all over the place like the guy who was hit by a shotgun in "Dawn Of The Dead", that guy at the beginning of "Scanners", and John Saleeby when he found out that Obama was reelected.
ERIC: Uh . . . We'll go kill Kelso.
They hurriedly leave.
DONNA: Yeah, let's go kill Kelso.
HYDE: We'll kill Kelso.
RED: He was always a dumb ass!
Tommy Chong's voice is heard.
CHONG: Wow! That felt great, man! Let's do it again!
Obama wonders how that could be possible, then sees that the needle has dropped back onto the Cheech And Chong album.
CHEECH:Yeah! That's the best massage parlor in town, man!
Obama takes the needle off.
OBAMA: I'll put on "Sister Lovers"! Yes, of course I was into Big Star in the Seventies! I'm Barack Obama, The Coolest Guy In The World!
Oh, Goddammit, I'm gonna be sick.
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org