By Wil Forbis
7/01/01
Recently, something of a backlash
has been appearing against the practice of telecommuting, the concept
by which workers are supposed to do a large amount of their job in a
home office and synch up to their company's network in order to share
files or have work approved. Initially, telecommuting held a lot of
promise for American society, and even more primitive cultures such
as France. It seemed like workers would have more freedom, traffic congestion would
be reduced and parents could stay at home with their children while
still being productive members of the workforce. It really seemed like
telecommuting was a win/win situation, but now that it's been in practice
for a few years, the flaws are starting to show.
And to be honest, no-one
could be happier about this than I. As someone who's worked at several
jobs that required telecommuting over the past decade, I've seen first
hand the problems that can be created. Many of the complaints being
voiced are ones I've heard straight from the mouths of colleagues or
experienced myself. The more common complaints include the loss of contact
with fellow workers, the blurring of family and work life and the lack
of productivity. But there are quite a few under-reported problems that
also arise when telecommuting is introduced to a workforce and I'd like
to take the time to share them with you.
STRAINED RELATIONS TOWARDS
HOUSEHOLD - I'll never forget the first day I tried telecommuting. I
woke up, strolled into the home office and fired up the old computer.
About an hour into it, my female landlord walked into and started screaming,
"Who are you? What are you doing? Get out of my house!" That's when
it dawned on me: being that I always returned from the office well after
she'd gone to bed and left before she woke, and due to the fact we'd
never formally met since I'd simply snuck in through the terrace window
one day, it must've have been quite a surprise to see me there attempting
to conduct my work transactions on her computer. The relationship only
improved after I fled from her home and relocated my operations to her
basement furnace room, where I am writing now.
PRACTICAL JOKES - Just as
every classroom needs a class clown, every office place needs a practical
joker. I have strived to fill this role in all of the companies I've
been employed, and I have to say, doing it virtually only makes things
more difficult. How can you place a Whoopee Cushion on the CEO's chair
when he's twenty miles away? How can you send the Chief Programmer into
an epileptic seizure with the old Snake in the Can, when he's working
at home and has placed specific orders that no-one tell you where he
lives. How can you place starving, rabid weasels into the office librarian's
desk when she works out of a ski resort? People may resent practical
jokes at first, but years later, when asked "How did you lose your arm
anyway?" the recollection of the mirthful fun had at their expense will
bring tears to their eyes.
NAPPING - The truth is, I
can't nap, unless I know I'm doing it while someone is paying me. When
napping at home, with the 9-5 concept blurred, I can't help but wonder,
"Am I napping on my time, or the company's time?" That leads to restlessness
and fatigue, which leads to lowered productivity. And then everyone
suffers... unless, as I've been told by some, the output of your efforts
are actually doing more harm than good, in which case lowered productivity
really means less damage.
THE MIDDAY MARTINI - As
I think you can tell, I'm a man of few rules. But one of them has always
been, "no drinking while in the office." When telecommuting from home,
that rule no longer applies, and it's open season on all the malt liquor,
cheap bacardi and cooking sherry in the house. After all, I'm not in
the office, I hardly see how I can expected to abstain? Nonetheless,
the constant inebriation leads to such activities as renaming the report
originally titled "Cost-Reduction Opportunities in the Third Fiscal
Quarter" to something like "Donkeys, Cerveza, and Loose Women - One
Man's Weekend of Terror in Tijuana!"
INABILITY TO PURSUE SEXUAL
RELATIONS WITH CLIENTS - Any company that offers products or services has a dedicated
sales team that works hard at accruing customers. And in my days as
an on-site team member, I always went out of my way to attempt to fondle
or otherwise molest new clients - it was just my way of saying, "Welcome!"
How can you perform this function when you're working at home? Sure,
you can send obscene pornography through email, or make sexually explicit
phone calls, but somehow it just doesn't feel the same.
INABILITY TO PURSUE SEXUAL
RELATIONS WITH CO-WORKERS - One of the great joys of modern employment
is the office romance. And whether it's greeting your supervisor in
her office while wearing only a steel codpiece, or staying late to give
the 50 year old Puerto Rican cleaning woman a two-piece lingerie set,
everyone enjoys a little friendly office flirtation. Once the physical
setting of the office is removed, these sorts of jaunts become even
less likely to occur than before, and you're forced to settle with slathering
yourself up in body oil and waiting patiently in the Volkswagen Jetta
owned by the executive secretary.
By musing over these fine
points, I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's mystery as to why I'm
often forced to telecommute. (In fact, my current employer DEMANDED
that I telecommute or risk expiration. (I'm pretty sure that by "expiration"
he meant dismissal, but not 100% positive.)) Granted, I've still managed
to raise some eyebrows while working virtually (Like the time I logged
into a web cam meeting on stock valuations while giving myself a full
body shave.) but it just doesn't seem the same. Ultimately, I'm a people
person. I need to be around people, to caress them, to fondle them,
to insult them... to do all the things you're supposed to do in a place
of business. And I think the examples discussed above are the very same
reasons why telecommuting is not catching on across America. I feel
like I've always had my finger on the pulse of our culture and I wouldn't
be surprised if you agree with me... after all, we're a lot alike, you
and I.
Aren't we?
