As told to Wil Forbis
March 1st, 2005
Since the dawn of the movie era man has been plagueth by a simple question. "Should I see this film with a calm and sober mind or should I get bombed outta my skull?" Certain films have become classics of their genre. Fans of clean living love "Network, "Terms of Endearment" and "Out of Africa." Potheads, alkies and trippers of all ilk prefer, "The Wizard of Oz," Monty Python and the Holy Grail"" and "Out of Africa."
The challenge, of course, is knowing before you see the film how you should best approach it. That's why acid logic has assembled a crack team of Montgomery P Bellworth (Straight) and Davey "Baby Snakes" Piedmeirer (High) to review the latest films before you see 'em. Because an informed choice can make all the difference in the world.
Straight: Director Stephen Gaghan Offers up a compelling rumination on the secretive connections between the C.I.A., Arab Leaders and western oil companies and then ruminates on their effect on U.S. foreign policy. There's no doubt that it is a dense film that pulls no punches, but in the end the viewer is thankful to have their intelligence respected by Hollywood, for once.
High: What the fuck is this shit? Hey, remember when Matt Damon was in that film where he was attached to some dude. Like an identical twin or something? That's was fucking psycho dude! We were passing blunts in the theatre, dog. It ruled!
High: (unavailable for comment.)
Verdict: Save the blunts for after the movie.
High: Man, James Bond got fat, yo! He's all walking around wearing speedos and socks and I was fully laughing my balls off, dude. That scene was a hilarious. You should fully load up the bong with sinso before you check this shit out!
Straight: I'd have to agree. If you approach this film with an unaltered mind state the gaping plot holes are inescapable. The peculiarities of the ending are particularly baffling.
Verdict: See it High!
Final Destination 3
Straight: The third submission in the Final Destination trilogy carries forth the same plot - teens escape death only to find their numbers dwindling in a series of strange accidents - with less verve and panache than the previous two. Nonetheless, there is an intriguing philosophical aspect to these films and that is rare for the horror genre.
High: Dude - did you fucking see the scene where that dude's head explodes? That was fucking psychotic! How about those bitches getting suntanned to death? The whole fucking theater was like "Burn, bitch, burn! Burn, bitch burn!!!" It totally ruled!
Verdict: Straight or High, it ain't no thang!
High: Dude, Philip Seymour Hoffman balls-out RULES in this film! He's like this psychotic little freako elf. He's all tripping around and people are like, "Thanks for writing that book" and he's like, "Come back, Dad!" He's totally nutzo. Me and my homeboy T-Dogg were rolling on the floor and they almost kicked us out.
It's kind of a downer when they hung those dudes though. Good thing we saved a spliff for later.
Straight: A genuine reflection on relations between a journalist and his subject, "Capote" treads where few in modern cinema have dared go. Hoffman brings equal parts compassion and criticism to his subject and the result is a film that questions what price one must pay to arrive at the truth.
It was kind of a downer when they hung those dudes, though.
Verdict: High gets a slim edge
High: AWESOME! Dude, did you see that chick running around with her eyeball hanging out of her head?
Straight: I did. That was the most...
High: And what about when he fucking drills that dude in the leg with a power drill? You can totally see bits of flesh...
Straight: ...morally depraved, ethically repugnant...
High: ... stuck in the drill bit! And how about those tits, man!? Finally Hollywood got some balls again and is showing...
Straight: ... display of human depravity committed to film. I truly weep...
High: ...real tits and beaver. America is returning to its golden era!
Straight: .for a society that considers this form of obscenity entertainment.
Straight: no stars
Verdict: High! High! High!
High: WTF? It was like an hour into the film before they queer out on each other. I was like, "Somebody better suck somebody's dick real soon or I am outta here!"
Straight: "Brokeback Mountain" reminds us of the raw power of cinema. In one sense this is a very mainstream film featuring a big budget and handsome, quintessentially Hollywood leading men. But the film does not dumb itself down for mass audience approval, indeed "Brokeback Mountain" has enough faith in our shared experience of the trials and tribulations of love to rest assured that every person, regardless of sexual orientation, will find something to relate to. A rare cinematic triumph worthy of all the praise that has been showered upon it.
High: Dude, are you a homo?
Verdict: Either way, Straight or gay.