"Tommy Lee Died!?! Oh, Stan Lee! Sorry"

By John Saleeby
Decemeber 1st, 2018

So, where were you when you found out Stan Lee Died? I was in Stan Lee’s Hospital Room going “Stan? Hey, Stan! Quit fooling around! You’re freakin’ us out!” But seriously, Stan Lee has Died and that is no Joke. Unless you’ve got some ideas. I’m too grief stricken to be funny. Grief stricken over John Belushi dying, I mean. I haven’t had a funny idea since 1982. As for Stan Lee, I’m only dimly aware who he was - He was the Creative Brains behind all those Marvel Comic Books and he made a Million Cameo Appearances in a Million Movies while I was sitting there wishing Lucy Liu was in the Movie. Everybody would go “OH My GOD, IT’S STAN LEE!!!” and he’d be gone before I could ask him “Stan Lee, what’s your Story, Bro?”

But don’t worry, Stan Lee Fans, this might be a crazy Acid Logic Article Written by that John Saleeby Weisenheimer but I’m not going to put you down for having Stan Lee as your Personal Hero just because I am not that familiar with the Man and his Work. You would have to be a Total Jerk to do that. Oh, and there goes Bill Maher doing that just to prove me right! Thank You, Bill! No, make that “Fuck You, Bill!” When Lemmy Died just a little while ago me and all the other Motorhead people were heartbroken but no one put us down for it. And if Stan Lee had been as Scary Looking as Lemmy I’m sure Bill Maher would have kept his Big Mouth shut.

Stan Lee’s Comic Books have been made into Three Hundred Million very popular Movies that I could not possibly care less about but if all those people all over the Planet have stood in line to see those Movies the Comic Books they were based on must have been some Goddam Good Comic Books! I must have read a Thousand Archie Comic Books when I was a Kid and all anybody did with that foolishness was a really shabby Saturday Morning Cartoon Show that I knew was garbage even before I read a single essay in Cahiers Do Cinema by Jean Luc Godard. There is a Series on the CW right now based on Archie Comics. What is the CW? An entire Television Network about Christopher Walken? The “Cow Bell” Dude? I would watch the SHIT out of that!

You don’t have to be a Comics Nut to appreciate Stan Lee’s Achievement. I didn’t have to be a Pro Bowling Fan to doff my cap in respect when . . . Whatever that Bowling Guy was called Died. Or was he a Golfer? A Pinball Wizard? It doesn’t matter, when he Died I was . . . Oh, he didn’t Die? He’s been alive all this Time and I’ve been wearing Black and Sending his Family Flowers every day? That cocksucker! Stan Lee really Died, right? Good! Oh, that didn’t come out right. That McDonalds Food I had for Lunch, I mean. I bet nothing like this ever happened to Stan Lee! I hope it never happened to Spiderman while wearing that Hard To Take Off Leotard. Is that why nobody likes Toby McGuire any more?

So Here’s To You, Stan Lee! Anybody who means so much to so many People without leading them to invade Poland and kill Six Million people in Concentration Caps is OK with me! I’m going to Write an Article about George Romero when he Dies. Huh? George Romero already Died!?! Oh, My God! Is Wes Craven Okay? WHAT!?! WES CRAVEN IS DEAD!?! Shit! Tobe Hooper must be . . . WHAT!?! TOBE, TOO!?! Crap! Crap! Crap! Ace Frehley is Okay, right? I mean, at least he’s not Dead, right? I heard he keeps getting sick . . . Oh, that’s Joe Perry? I saw Aerosmith in ’78 and Joe Perry looked like he’d Died about two minutes before going onstage. Yeah, you don’t have to be into Marvel Comics to respect Stan Lee any more than you have to be addicted to Heroin to to get stupid Jokes about Joe Perry. I hope Joe can get out of those black leather pants a lot faster than Toby McGuire could get out of that Spiderman costume!

Oh, WAIT! The Guy who created Sponge Bob Squarepants just Died! Oh, I don’t give a fuck. At least he’s doing better than the guy who created Ren And Stimpy. Even Louis CK makes fun of that Creep! Oh, man! Ouch!

What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com