Ratt Versus Springsteen

By John Saleeby

Dec 1st, 2012

Wherever Rock Fans gather these days, There were eleven of us at a Hold Steady gig the other night, the same argument breaks out - Who's THE BEST? Ratt or Springsteen? A Nation torn apart! Brother against Brother! Father against Son! Wife against That Woman At Work You're Always Talking About! Let's get this thing settled for once and for all before another Poor Soul gives in and buys one of those god damn Taylor Swift CDs . . .

BEST BAND NAME
Ratt is a funny name for a band but Springsteen is HILARIOUS! It's too bad Ratt changed their name from the original Mickey Ratt, that is hysterical. Mickey Springsteen would have been such a laugh riot Western Civilization wouldn't have made it through the Eighties and we'd all be the Bad Guys in "Mad Max" right now. Too bad!

WINNER - Springsteen

BEST SINGER
Whatever happened to that funny little dude who was the Lead Singer in Springsteen back in the early Seventies? Did he quit smoking pot and join the Navy or something? Good for him! But it sure was nice of the Springsteen dudes to hire Frank Stallone as his replacement. What the hell, I never listened to any of their records once The Replacements came along, they coulda hired Henry Winkler for all I cared. They didn't hire me - Screw em! Stephen Pearcy is the Lead Singer of Ratt - This dude wrote and sang "Round And Round", Winner of The John Saleeby 2012 "Best Rock And Roll Song Of All Time" Award! Stephen might be kinda goofy but he's the Lead Singer in a Rock Band, you think everybody can be as cool as Sammy Hagar? Yeah, Stephen Pearcy may not have inspired a generation of young men to market their own brand of tequila, but if he did the little worm at the bottom of the bottle would start up a kick ass worm band and Rock And Roll from Coast To Coast! But I guess Stephen is more of an Energy Drink guy these days. Yeah!

WINNER - Ratt

BEST SONG
"Round And Round" is the best Song I ever hear on the Radio these days. What other Songs do I like? "Eighteen And Life", "Sister Christian", "Twilight Zone", and that one about how when Ronnie James Dio sees lightning you know it always brings him down. Springsteen? One time I heard a Springsteen Song on the Radio while driving home from Work and I not only turned the Radio down, I turned over to the side of the road, got out of my car, and walked the rest of the way Home. The only good Song Springsteen has is that one about a freight train running through the middle of your head. That happened to me once when I passed out on the tracks in front of my Grandpa's House and I really appreciate that Frank Stallone took time off from singing that shitty old Song about how this land is his land and this land is my land at Political Rallies to Write a Song for those of us in the Freight Train Running Through The Middle Of Our Heads Community. Frank Stallone's head is so big he's probably got more trains running through it than Grand Central Station. But EVERYBODY Loves "Round And Round"! Even people in Movies! Remember that scene in "The Wrestler" when "Round And Round" came on and Mickey Rourke stopped wrestling and did his crazy "Round And Round" Dance? When did Tom Hanks ever do a crazy "Round And Round" Dance? I bet he does a not-even-very-crazy "This Land Is Your Land" Dance - Screw him!

WINNER - RATT

BEST GUITARIST
Ratt's Lead Guitarist Warren DiMartini, was just a kid in San Diego when Stephen Pearcy asked him to join the band. And Thank God for that Big Break, otherwise today Warren would be a broken down little old Guitar Player in San Diego editing a crappy web zine. HA HA HA!! Take THAT, Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor, San Diego Resident, and broken down little old Guitar Player! But Warren's cool. And his web zine is so cool he won't even read my submissions. Shit! Warren has also played in Whitesnake (Everybody who has a guitar will eventually get to play in Whitesnake) and with Ronnie James Dio until they got in a fight "Dude, what's your problem with lightning? Lightning RULES!!" The Guitar Players in Springsteen are Frank Stallone, Steven Van Zandt, and some guy named Nils. Nils is almost as horrible a name for a Rock Star as Lars and when your Guitar Player reminds people of the Drummer in Metallica you might as well go all out Dork and call your Lead Singer Bruce. And Steve Van Zandt - If his last name is Van Zandt why isn't he in Lynyrd Skynyrd? Cause he don't know how to play good enough to be in Lynyrd Skynyrd, that's why! He's the Lame Van Zandt. Mama Van Zandt kicked him out of the house for not practicing and his prodigal ass wound up in New Jersey. A little less time worrying about what to wear on top of his head and he would have been in Lynyrd Skynyrd so whoever's place he took would have been the Road Manager and rented a decent Tour Plane. Then Springsteen would have two Guitar Players like any other band and Gustav or whatever that cheese eating peasant calls himself would have had to herd goats for a living.

WINNER - RATT

BEST BASSIST
Plunka plunka plunka . . . Plunk . . . Plunk . . . Plunka plunka plunka . . .

WINNER - RATT

BEST DRUMMER
The Drummer for Springsteen used to be the Drummer for Conan O'Brien until NBC took "The Tonight Show" away from Conan to give it back to Jay Leno. Then this guy went behind Conan's back to ask Leno for a job so Conan fired him. Ha ha, what a creep! So then he had to take a job drumming for Springsteen. Oh, he was drumming for Springsteen the same time he was drumming for Conan? Well, if that guy can drum in Def Leppard with one arm I guess you can drum for Conan and Springsteen with two arms. By the way, I actually met this guy one night at The Lone Star and he wouldn't talk to me so I'll be damned if I'm gonna mention his name in my article. The Drummer in Ratt? His name is - Everybody get ready for this cause it will knock you flat on your ass! - The Drummer in Ratt is named BOBBY BLOTZER!!! Is that the greatest name you have ever heard in your Life or WHAT!?! BOBBY BLOTZER!!! Can I change my name to Bobby Blotzer? I named my dog Bobby Blotzer, I named my cat Bobby Blotzer, and when I have a kid I'm going to pack up my dog and my cat and get the hell out of town. BOBBY BLOTZER!!! Why is this article at Acid Logic.com? I thought this site would have been called Bobby Blotzer.com by now. Hey, Blotzer, do something about that! Blotzer? Blotzer? Okay, I give in . . . Hey, Forbis! Do something about that!

WINNER - RATT

The tension is unbearable . . . Who will be the Final Winner? Uh oh! Here comes John Saleeby with an envelope! Oh, it's another rejection letter from another Publisher. What a loser!

And The Final Winner Of The "Ratt Versus Springsteen" Thing is . . .

RATT!

Stephen Pearcy runs onstage to accept the award, forgets to stop running, and winds up in Bakersfield "Oh, man . . . Gotta lay off those Energy Drinks!"

I knew right from the beginning that Ratt would end up winning. I knew that from the start . . . No, when I first got into Rock And Roll in the Mid Seventies Ratt hadn't happened yet and Springsteen was looking like a sure thing. But so did Little Feat, that's how much we knew back then! Springsteen, that shit is as boring as black people talking about Chicago. That "Love will find a way, just give it time" bit in "Round And Round" - If it wasn't for that I probably woulda blown my brains out a few days ago. I really appreciate that.

EPILOGUE

John Saleeby and Wil Forbis are hanging in Tom's Diner

"You know why people like Bobby Blotzer?"
"No, why?"
"They just like saying 'Bobby Blotzer'! Bobby Blotzer! Bobby Blotzer!"
"Bobby Blotzer! Bobby Blotzer!"
They laugh.
"That's it!"
"That's what?"
"That's the web site! Bobby Blotzer! Bobby Blotzer!"
"I don't get it."
"You ASSHOLE!!"

THE END