A Few Good Scenes We'd Like To See

By John Saleeby
March 1, 2002

Aaron Sorkin - Creator of "A Few Good Men", "The American President", "The West Wing", and The Biggest Asshole In The World - has announced that the next season of "The West Wing" will present his doped out Hollywood Lefty version of the 2000 Election Florida Debacle. Sorkin calls it " ...our version of the old Mad magazine 'Scenes We'd Like To See'... We're going to rerun the last election and try a few different plays than the Gore campaign did." Well, two can play at that game, Mister Aaron Sorkin. Maybe only one of us can make a lot of money playing it, but two can play that game nonetheless. So we're going to rerun Sorkin's LA Airport arrest for psychedelic mushrooms and crack cocaine and "try a few different plays than" the Los Angeles Police Department and District Attorney's Office. The results may be as screwy as anything Sorkin will be coming up with, but at least I'm just trying to get a few cheap laughs instead of trying to make you think Al Gore should be President Of The United States (Which is a million times funnier than anything I could ever come up with. Shit, no wonder Sorkin makes the big bucks.)

Security Gate in the LA Airport.
The Security Guards look on with curiosity as Aaron Sorkin staggers in with three huge suitcases.

AARON: Ooohh, the colors in this airport! Oooohh, the green floor tiles, the blue Security Guard's uniforms, the red eyeballs on the giant hampster! What are you looking at, Fuzzy? Whoa! A Metal Detector! Good thing they don't have a Hallucinogenic Mushroom Detector! Ding! Ding! Ding!

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you are only allowed one piece of carry on luggage.

AARON: The rules do not apply to Aaron Sorkin! I do what I want and want to -

SECURITY GUARD: Mister Sorkin, we are going to search your bags. AARON: You are going to scratch my back? Right here in front of the dancing six foot praying mantis with legs that just won't quit? Boy, these are good drugs! Good thing I packed plenty of them in these suitcases!

SECURITY GUARD: Okay, Sorkin - You're under arrest for possession of illegal drugs!

AARON: Oh, be cool, man! Drugs unleash your inner creativity, Get high and sit around imagining that a liberal Democrat from New England is President! (Aaron pulls out a gun) When in reality I am President! President John F Kennedy of the PT 109! I lead the Rough Riders up Pork Chop Hill and dropped the Atom Bomb on Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Hattisburg, and Biloxi!

SECURITY GUARDl Hey, is that giant hampster dealing black tar heroin?

AARON (Letting down his guard to take out a huge wad of cash): Black tar heroin? How much?

(The Guards tackle Aaron. And then they tackle his huge wad of cash.)

SECURITY CHIEF: Good work, boys!

(Aaron is dragged away by his nostrils)

AARON: I'm warning you - I am a close personal friend of George Stephanopolis, The World's Leading Authority On Everything!

A filthy dirty stinking jail cell full of terrifying criminals.
Robert Downey Jr. greets Aaron Sorkin as the guards throw him in and slam the door shut behind him.

DOWNEY: Aaron! Aaron Sorkin!

AARON: What jailbird jackanapes dareth useth the name of Aaron! Aaron Sorkin!?

DOWNEY: It's me, Robert Downey Jr!

AARON: Oh puh-leeze! Robert Downey Sr. hasn't gotten as old as THAT song and dance! (Aaron looks over his shoulder) I say, what is going on back there? I didn't see any studio executives when I came in here!

DOWNEY: You're in jail right now, Aaron - You're being raped.

AARON: Raped? Well, cross off another item on my New Sensations List. DOWNEY: This is the first time this has ever happened to you? Maybe I should have been a writer instead of an actor.

RAPIST: You know, this would be a lot more fun for me if you pretended not to like it.

AARON: Oh, maybe I should have been an actor instead of a writer!

The People Versus That Big Queer Aaron Sorkin is in session. The defendant is lying on the floor unconscious in a puddle of his own blood. A medical team works to keep him alive throughout the proceedings so he can be executed on live television. A witness is called to the stand.

TED NUGENT: Please identify yourself to the jury.

WITNESS: I am the first guy to beat the hell out of Aaron Sorkin in jail. (The crowd cheers)

TED NUGENT: And what is the first thing you did while beating the hell out of Aaron Sorkin?

WITNESS: I banged his head against the wall. (Laughter and applause)

TED NUGENT: And what is the next thing you did?

WITNESS: I banged his head against the wall again.

TED NUGENT: And what is the next thing you did?

WITNESS: I banged his head against the wall again.

(Art Graphic: FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER...)

(The entire court is laughing and giggling hysterically)

TED NUGENT: And what is the next thing you did?

WITNESS: I banged his head against the wall again.

TED NUGENT: And what is the next thing you did?

WITNESS: Well, his head broke off his neck and fell on the floor so we all kicked it around the cell for a while until Robert Downey Jr. suggested we play soccer with it and we all raped him until Sorkin grew a new head for us to bang against the wall.

TED NUGENT: Thank you for your motherfuckin' testimony.

WITNESS: Thank you for giving me an oppurtunity to beat the hell out of the shitbox who produces "The West Wing". It was a real dream come true. And to think all I had to do was get busted robbing a convenience store. What do I have to do to beat up that Moby guy? Aaron's attorney, Johnny Cochran, stands up.

COCHRAN: Your Honor -

(A Tyranosaurus Rex which has escaped from George Lucas' backyard bursts into the court room and devours Cochran.)

JUDGE REINHOLD: This is the best case EVER! Aaron Sorkin, you turd sucking piece of trash - I sentence you to death by lethal injec - No, that's too good for you. I sentence you to be skinned alive, barbequed, and eaten by beer swilling trailer trash!

AARON: Eaten by trailer trash!?! Don't feed my succulent flesh to those swine! Sautee me over a slow flame and serve me to Barba Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Barbara Walters with hollandaise and a dry white wine! ( The Tyranosaurus Rex gets sick and vomits Johnny Cochran's half digested remains all over Aaron )

AARON: Oooooohhh!! Oh! Oh! Ooh!

( The corrosive acids of the mighty reptile's digestive system dissolve the squealing druggie nincompoop into an unrecognisable blob of slime. The happy crowd goes wild, scooping up handfulls if the gelatinous glop and throwing it at the assembled members of the mass media who burst into flames and waste their final moment before falling into Hell running for the exists. Safe in their New York studios way on the opposite end of our beautiful nation, the major network anchors waste no time adjusting to the new reality of Twenty First Century America. )

DAN RATHER: Well, there you go, folks - The end of that Aaron Sorkin cocksucker.

PETER JENNINGS: Eh, fuck him.

TOM BROKAW: Asshole.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com