Hey World, Smell My Finger
By John Saleeby
Man, are we messed up when it comes to sex or are we messed up when it comes to sex? (Note To Reader: We are messed up when it comes to sex.) Don't worry, I'm not talking about morality, hey, this is your ol' pal Saleeby talkin' here, remember? If I knew anything about morality I wouldn't have left enough cookies at Teenwhore.com to keep that Muppet monster munchin' from May to December.
So what's my gripe? Why we gotta make sex out to be such a big ol' complicated technical thang? We're scarin' the crap outta all the virgins! Finally losing your cherry these days is like training your whole life to climb Mt. Everest and when you finally get there they have a nice warm cable car all the way up to the top and then back to the bottom. And while you're at the top they have a casino lounge where you can shoot craps while the Abominable Snowman does his kareoke tribute to Frankie Sinatra (The Sinatra part is why we call him "Abominable"). It's easy! But guys carry on about gettin' their worm wet like they're Balboa just back from discovering the Pacific Ocean. "I'm gonna discover a completely brand new ocean!" the boy Balboa swore as the girls laughed at the tremendous Spaniard zit on the end of his Conquistador nose "Then I'll get all the girls!"
The whole thing had me so spooked when I was a kid I thought I'd never get laid. What? Me in bed with a really great looking naked chick? Maybe it would happen once, maybe twice with a little luck. Remember that line from the Aerosmith record - "I was a high school loser, never made it with the ladies til the boys told me something I missed"? Well, it was just like that, only the boys never told me nothing but what a fag I was. But it was cool, the one thing that was never in doubt was that I was gonna be THE NUMBER ONE COMEDY WRITER OF ALL TIME!!! Neil Simon? Woody Allen? I was gonna hire them to wash my cars and mop my floors! Aw, f'sure, by the time September 2000 came around I would have written The Ten Most Popular Comedy Movies Of All Time, The Ten Most Popular TV Sit Coms Of All Time, The Ten Most Popular Humor Books Of All Time, and GODDAM WAS I GONNA BAG THE BABES!!! (All the oceans had already been snapped up.)
Well, nothing within a hundred million miles of that ever happened, of course. But the weird part is, I've somehow managed to fuck like it did happen. I have no idea how, but I'm still in a complete state of shock over the sex I've managed to have without even a shred of proffessional success. I've even done stuff that I've never thought about while masturbating! Betcha Conan O'Brian can't say that! Ain't life weird? So I guess it would be logical to conclude that if I was a really successful comedy writer today I would still be a virgin, right? Right? Yeah, I'll just keep telling myself that.
Aw, I ain't really got laid that much, really.
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
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