Hell On 900 MG A Day

By John Saleeby
6/01/01
A Note From ACID LOGIC Editor Wil Forbis:
I didn't want to use this "article" when I first received it from Saleeby, but when I asked him to send in something a bit more substantial he delivered an eighty seven page analysis of Freud's Theory Of Dream Interpretation that actually contained the word "Zeitgeist" and a quote from the guy who created those Geico commercials with the talking cartoon gecko. Was Saleeby pulling my leg? No, I looked beneath my desk and he was cutting it off with a hacksaw. The message was clear, I either ran the original article or . . . Okay, okay, so it isn't really Forbis writing this note. It's just me, John Saleeby, as usual trying to provoke you into giving me a good reason to burn your house down.

A Genuine Note From Wil Forbis:
I don't even read Saleeby's crap anymore. I just put it on the site and enjoy the exasperated cries of "Whenaya gonnagedridadat Saleebyjackass already?" everywhere I go. And then I suck their dicks. Ha ha ha! It's another phony "Note From Forbis" by the amazing John Saleeby: Lord Of Lobsters, Lepers, And Lutherans!

ANNOUNCER:
And now here he is, Acid Logic Readers - The Silliest Comedy Writer In The Whole Wide World . . .
JOHN SALEEBY!!

"The John Saleeby Theme Song" By Alan Thicke
Silly, Silly John Saleeby
People always ask me if I ever balled Tracey Gold when she played my daughter on "Growing Pains"
John Saleeby is so silly
I was thinking about it while her ass was still nice and round for a while like that but then I found out she was bulimic
Silly Silly John Saleeby
And then that little queer Kirk Cameron snapped up Chelsea Noble before I could get hold of her
John Saleeby is so silly
Did you know that Chelsea is six years older than Kirk and all their kids are adopted? Hhhhmmm . . .
But when will John find love?
Bah bah bah, dat dah dah dah . . .

(Wild applause)

( John Saleeby walks out with Cameron Diaz on one arm and Gwyneth Paltrow on the other. )

John: Hi, everybody! What do you think of my tattoos?

( Get it? They are just tattoos of Cameron and Gwyneth on his arms. Hey, kids! Rewrite this article to add dozens of rotten tomatoes and empty beer bottles being thrown at Saleeby's silly ass from offstage. )

No, I'm sorry, folks - Actually the only tattoo I have is from the time I heard the first Boston album while tripping on acid and got "When I'm tired and feeling cold I hide in my music forget the day and dream of a girl I used to know I close my eyes and she slips away she slips awwwwaaaaayyyyyyy aaayyyy aaaaayyyyy!!!" tattooed in big black letters along the length of my cock.

They say that smoking pot is beneficial to people with cancer and AIDS. You know, I thought some of those people at that Dave Matthews concert were looking kinda peaked. If smoking pot is good for people who are dying I say we give em some acid, tell em they're dead, and laugh at em while they freak out. "Yeah, you're in HELL!! You woulda gone to Heaven if you hadn't smoked all that GODDAM WEED, YA FREAKIN' POTHEAD!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!" Yeah, put on a rubber Devil mask and light a fire in the wastepaper basket, hey, you wanna use drugs you're gonna find out about drugs the way we all find out about drugs, Sunny Jim! Hell, we let people use marijuana for medical purposes next thing you know they'll be wanting to use valium and percodan for medical purposes!

ACID LOGIC READERS POLL What Will Be The Next Really Terrible Thing To Happen To Niki Taylor? A. She Will Be Eaten By Rats. B. Shaq Will Claim To Have Had Sex With Her. C. She Will Play The Love Interest In The Next David Spade Movie. D. She Will Get Really Really Fat. Can't click on the letters? Maybe it's time your cheap ass bought a decent computer! ACID LOGIC READERS POLL Is Brought To You By BLOGGER - "Keeping The Spirit Of Y2K Alive In 2001!!!"

Silly? Damn right I'm silly. Monkeys in the trees crapping in their hands and throwing it at people aren't as silly as I am. Whenever I crap on my hands I just stand there looking at it giggling and making horrible jokes about what I ate for lunch. And that's not in a tree, either - It's in a tree suit. You know, like the one's they wore in "The Wizard Of Oz". It's a sharp, fashionable look. But look out for those creeps on the dog suits!

Insulted cause you weren't included in People's "Fifty Most Beautiful People In The World" this year? I know I am! Well, don't fret - Cause right now we're working on Acid Logic's "Five Hundred Million Most Beautiful People In The World" and you just might make the cut! I'm number four hundred and ninety nine million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety two! Just wait until Nicole Kidman gets a load of me in the picture where I'm looking under my bed for my Aerosmith "Rocks" cassette! She'll flip! SPECIAL NOTICE TO MARIAH CAREY - You didn't make it because there is more to beauty than making people want to throw you into a wood chipper.

Hey, did you know that the girl on "Dark Angel" is engaged? She's too young to get married! She's just a kid! She should be dating Hugh Hefner!

HOW TO BE FUNNY LIKE CONAN O'BRIEN First, start out with something really sweet, innocent, and sentimental. Example - "I saw my high school sweetheart for the first time in years today." Second, conclude with something really mean, violent, and perverted. Example - "Boy, it's amazing the things you find when you open the trunk of your Dad's old Buick for the first time in twenty seven years. I was touched to see she'd saved her corsage." Third, collect a paycheck two thousand times bigger than John Saleeby's. Example - "You suck, John Saleeby! You suck!"

Eddie Van Halen has cancer. But I'm sure he'll be okay, I lost all respect for cancer when it couldn't even get rid of that goddam Molly Ivins.

Wil Forbis interrupts - Okay, that's enough - I'm cutting it off right here before Saleeby gets to the part about how he's the illegitimate love child of Elvis Presley and Anne Margaret and for fifty bucks he'll send you a videotape of him shaking his ass. Believe me, I'm doing you a favor, I've read through the whole thirty seven page thing and it is Hell, I'm tellin' you - Hell on earth. Although I did send Saleeby fifty bucks for the videotape of him shaking his ass and it is Heaven, I'm tellin' you - Heaven on earth. Hey, wait a minute! When did that happen? Oh no! That wasn't me at all, it was that silly John Saleeby again! What a rascal! What a silly, silly rascal!

I'm sick of him.

 

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

Check Out John Saleeby's crazy Acid Logic Blog!