By John Saleeby
A Note From ACID LOGIC
Editor Wil Forbis:
I didn't want to use this "article" when I first received it from Saleeby,
but when I asked him to send in something a bit more substantial he
delivered an eighty seven page analysis of Freud's Theory Of Dream Interpretation
that actually contained the word "Zeitgeist" and a quote from the guy
who created those Geico commercials with the talking cartoon gecko.
Was Saleeby pulling my leg? No, I looked beneath my desk and he was
cutting it off with a hacksaw. The message was clear, I either ran the
original article or . . . Okay, okay, so it isn't really Forbis writing
this note. It's just me, John Saleeby, as usual trying to provoke you
into giving me a good reason to burn your house down.
A Genuine Note From Wil
I don't even read Saleeby's crap anymore. I just put it on the site
and enjoy the exasperated cries of "Whenaya gonnagedridadat Saleebyjackass
already?" everywhere I go. And then I suck their dicks. Ha ha ha! It's
another phony "Note From Forbis" by the amazing John Saleeby: Lord Of
Lobsters, Lepers, And Lutherans!
And now here he is, Acid Logic Readers - The Silliest Comedy Writer
In The Whole Wide World . . .
"The John Saleeby Theme Song" By Alan Thicke
Silly, Silly John Saleeby
People always ask me if I ever balled Tracey Gold when she played my
daughter on "Growing Pains"
John Saleeby is so silly
I was thinking about it while her ass was still nice and round for a
while like that but then I found out she was bulimic
Silly Silly John Saleeby
And then that little queer Kirk Cameron snapped up Chelsea Noble before
I could get hold of her
John Saleeby is so silly
Did you know that Chelsea is six years older than Kirk and all their
kids are adopted? Hhhhmmm . . .
But when will John find love?
Bah bah bah, dat dah dah dah . . .
( John Saleeby walks out with Cameron Diaz on one arm and Gwyneth Paltrow
on the other. )
John: Hi, everybody! What do you think of my tattoos?
( Get it? They are just tattoos of Cameron and Gwyneth on his arms.
Hey, kids! Rewrite this article to add dozens of rotten tomatoes and
empty beer bottles being thrown at Saleeby's silly ass from offstage.
No, I'm sorry, folks - Actually the only tattoo I have is from the time
I heard the first Boston album while tripping on acid and got "When
I'm tired and feeling cold I hide in my music forget the day and dream
of a girl I used to know I close my eyes and she slips away she slips
awwwwaaaaayyyyyyy aaayyyy aaaaayyyyy!!!" tattooed in big black letters
along the length of my cock.
They say that smoking pot is beneficial to people with cancer and AIDS.
You know, I thought some of those people at that Dave Matthews concert
were looking kinda peaked. If smoking pot is good for people who are
dying I say we give em some acid, tell em they're dead, and laugh at
em while they freak out. "Yeah, you're in HELL!! You woulda gone to
Heaven if you hadn't smoked all that GODDAM WEED, YA FREAKIN' POTHEAD!!!!
HAW HAW HAW!!!" Yeah, put on a rubber Devil mask and light a fire in
the wastepaper basket, hey, you wanna use drugs you're gonna find out
about drugs the way we all find out about drugs, Sunny Jim! Hell, we
let people use marijuana for medical purposes next thing you know they'll
be wanting to use valium and percodan for medical purposes!
LOGIC READERS POLL
What Will Be The Next Really Terrible Thing To Happen To Niki
She Will Be Eaten By Rats.
B. Shaq Will Claim To Have Had Sex With Her.
C. She Will Play The Love Interest In The Next David Spade Movie.
D. She Will Get Really Really Fat.
Can't click on the letters? Maybe it's time your cheap ass bought
a decent computer!
ACID LOGIC READERS POLL Is Brought To You By BLOGGER - "Keeping
The Spirit Of Y2K Alive In 2001!!!"
Silly? Damn right I'm silly.
Monkeys in the trees crapping in their hands and throwing it at people
aren't as silly as I am. Whenever I crap on my hands I just stand there
looking at it giggling and making horrible jokes about what I ate for
lunch. And that's not in a tree, either - It's in a tree suit. You know,
like the one's they wore in "The Wizard Of Oz". It's a sharp, fashionable
look. But look out for those creeps on the dog suits!
Insulted cause you weren't
included in People's "Fifty Most Beautiful People In The World" this
year? I know I am! Well, don't fret - Cause right now we're working
on Acid Logic's "Five Hundred Million Most Beautiful People In The World"
and you just might make the cut! I'm number four hundred and ninety
nine million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and
ninety two! Just wait until Nicole Kidman gets a load of me in the picture
where I'm looking under my bed for my Aerosmith "Rocks" cassette! She'll
flip! SPECIAL NOTICE TO MARIAH CAREY - You didn't make it because there
is more to beauty than making people want to throw you into a wood chipper.
Hey, did you know that the
girl on "Dark Angel" is engaged? She's too young to get married! She's
just a kid! She should be dating Hugh Hefner!
TO BE FUNNY LIKE CONAN O'BRIEN
First, start out with something really sweet, innocent, and sentimental.
Example - "I saw my high school sweetheart for the first time in
Second, conclude with something really mean, violent, and perverted.
Example - "Boy, it's amazing the things you find when you open the
trunk of your Dad's old Buick for the first time in twenty seven
years. I was touched to see she'd saved her corsage."
Third, collect a paycheck two thousand times bigger than John Saleeby's.
Example - "You suck, John Saleeby! You suck!"
Eddie Van Halen has cancer.
But I'm sure he'll be okay, I lost all respect for cancer when it couldn't
even get rid of that goddam Molly Ivins.
Wil Forbis interrupts
- Okay, that's enough - I'm cutting it off right here before Saleeby
gets to the part about how he's the illegitimate love child of Elvis
Presley and Anne Margaret and for fifty bucks he'll send you a videotape
of him shaking his ass. Believe me, I'm doing you a favor, I've read
through the whole thirty seven page thing and it is Hell, I'm tellin'
you - Hell on earth. Although I did send Saleeby fifty bucks for the
videotape of him shaking his ass and it is Heaven, I'm tellin' you -
Heaven on earth. Hey, wait a minute! When did that happen? Oh no! That
wasn't me at all, it was that silly John Saleeby again! What a rascal!
What a silly, silly rascal!
I'm sick of him.
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Check Out John Saleeby's
crazy Acid Logic Blog!