The Saturday Night Live Democrats

By Wil Forbis and John Saleeby
December 1, 2002

Welp, everybody know the Dems took a trouncing in this recent mid-term, as Republicans nailed every elective post from National Dog Catcher to Governor of Earth! The Democratic massacre was followed by much hand-ringing and punditry by the talking heads of television as they fumbled about for an explanation to the turn of events. "The Democratic party has no message!" they bellowed. "The party needs to turn right/left/gay!" they bemoaned. Here at Acid Logic, it seemed painfully clear what had gone wrong: Democrats were no longer funny.

In the eighties, the possibility of any comedic entertainer not being a liberal was about as likely as Richard Nixon taking a second career as a hula dancer. It was simply a given that if you had a sense of humor, if you were a likable funny person, then you must've had a shoebox of Michael Dukakis bumperstickers in your closet. But somewhere along the way, the Democrats lost their edge and starting propping up soulless robots like Al Gore or dispirited prigs like Tom Daschel. (We still maintain Joe Lieberman could never win a presidential election because he looks too much like Star Wars' Senator Palpintine.)

But it doesn't have to be this way. As the Democratic Party looks about for new leadership, we propose they turn their head toward a yet unconsidered direction. NBC's Saturday Night Live has long offered up a continuing stream of comedic celebrities with leftward bents. And unlike most of the current Democratic leadership, people actually like them. You'd never throw a kegger with uptight squares like Al Gore or Walter Mondale, but imagine having a shindig with Tina Fey, Mike Meyers, Steve Martin, Garret Morris* and Chris Rock in attendance. Let's put the "party" back in Democratic Party!

And so America, we humbly submit the next generation of Democratic Leadership: The Saturday Night Live Democrats:

* Uhh, yeah... Garret Morris? The first "black guy" on SNL? He had a career before the Jamie Fox Show ya know.

Jimmy Conehead Carter
Dan Aykroyd combines his two most popular SNL characters - Jimmy Carter and Beldar Conehead! Yes, the warmth and spirituality of Jimmy Carter with a gigantic space alien head so scary no one can ridicule him for being such a sensitive wussy. Would the Iranians have seized our embassy if we'd had a Commander In Chief with gigantic space alien head? No way! Would the Panamanians had the temerity to demand possession of their canal if we'd had a President with a head that looked like a thermonuclear missile? Forget it. Would the American voters have elected as mundane a specimen of a humanoid as Ronald Reagan if they already had a President who was a combination of Dan Aykroyd's two most popular characters? Let's see what happens when he goes up against George W Bush!

The Pathological President
Here's something totally different for the Democrats. A President modeled after Jon Lovitz's pathological liar character: a smooth talking huckster who was incapable of a single truthful sentence. Why he could stand up there on national television and tell the American people one glib fib after another, digging himself deeper and deeper into a pile of falsehoods.

Wait a second...

Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute/House Speaker
Hey, we all know that politicians are gonna screw us. Can't we at least have a professional?

Benjamin Al Franken
Everybody loves Benjamin Franklin but all we know about him is that he flew a kite with a key on it. Everybody loves Al Franken but all we know about him is that . . . Okay, nobody loves him. Let's get him to fly a kite with a key on it and see what happens. Didn't Al Franken write the script for "When A Man Loves A Woman"? Better get him one of those gigantic alien space heads.

The Greek Terror Warrior
Like in the "Greek Diner" sketches in which John Belushi as Nick would turn an order like "One BLT, one grilled cheese, one tuna fish, one reuben" into "Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" Nick the Terror Warrior turns Homeland Defense proposals like "Increased surveillance, phone taps, passengers searches, and military tribunals" with "Civil rights, civil rights, civil rights, civil rights!"

Colin Quinncy Adams
Nobody remembers when Quincy Adams was President, nobody remembers when Colin Quinn was on "SNL", so if George W Bush beats him in the election nobody will remember it and we won't feel stupid about it like with Walter Mondale and Mike Dukakis. It'll be great.

Vice President Peepers.
Let's face it, the main job of the Vice-President is to appear so inept and incompetent that no one would even consider offin' the chief. No one could pull this off better that Chris Katten's apple spitting, table hopping "Mr. Peepers." He could also join Dick Cheney as the second vice president to be caught dry humping the First Lady's leg. Give Peep the veep!

Samurai Kennedy
Would Lee Harvey Oswald and Sirhan Sirhan have had a ghost of a chance against a Samurai Warrior like Toshiro Mifune in "The Seven Samurai"? He would have kicked their sorry asses! And when the Samurai Warrior they don't have a ghost of a chance against is played by the ghost of John Belushi you've got a candidate that'll kick George W Bush and Dick Cheney's sorry asses!

Toonces, The Cat That Can Unite A Nation
Animal Rights are getting bigger all the time and the Democratic Party will inevitably fight for Dogs and Cats as aggressively as it has fought for Blacks and Gays. And what better Feline American to lead America into the future than Toonces, The Cat That Can Drive A Car? We'll probably need a Dog to round out the ticket - How about Janeane Garofalo?

Roseanne Roseannadanna Roosevelt
"There's always something" meets "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" to give the Democratic party it's slogan for the 2004 campaign - "There's always something to fear". Gilda Radner died of cancer so we'll put Laraine Newman or Cheri Oteri in a wheelchair and have Gene Wilder push her around. He looks like Eleanor Roosevelt, so it can't lose!