Dan Aykroyd combines his two most popular SNL characters - Jimmy
Carter and Beldar Conehead! Yes, the warmth and spirituality of
Jimmy Carter with a gigantic space alien head so scary no one can
ridicule him for being such a sensitive wussy. Would the Iranians
have seized our embassy if we'd had a Commander In Chief with gigantic
space alien head? No way! Would the Panamanians had the temerity
to demand possession of their canal if we'd had a President with
a head that looked like a thermonuclear missile? Forget it. Would
the American voters have elected as mundane a specimen of a humanoid
as Ronald Reagan if they already had a President who was a combination
of Dan Aykroyd's two most popular characters? Let's see what happens
when he goes up against George W Bush!
Here's something totally different for the Democrats. A President
modeled after Jon Lovitz's pathological liar character: a smooth
talking huckster who was incapable of a single truthful sentence.
Why he could stand up there on national television and tell the
American people one glib fib after another, digging himself deeper
and deeper into a pile of falsehoods.
Garvin, Male Prostitute/House Speaker
Hey, we all know that politicians are gonna screw us. Can't we at
least have a professional?
Everybody loves Benjamin Franklin but all we know about him is that
he flew a kite with a key on it. Everybody loves Al Franken but
all we know about him is that . . . Okay, nobody loves him. Let's
get him to fly a kite with a key on it and see what happens. Didn't
Al Franken write the script for "When A Man Loves A Woman"? Better
get him one of those gigantic alien space heads.
Greek Terror Warrior
Like in the "Greek Diner" sketches in which John Belushi as Nick
would turn an order like "One BLT, one grilled cheese, one tuna
fish, one reuben" into "Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger!" Nick the Terror Warrior turns Homeland Defense proposals
like "Increased surveillance, phone taps, passengers searches, and
military tribunals" with "Civil rights, civil rights, civil rights,
Nobody remembers when Quincy Adams was President, nobody remembers
when Colin Quinn was on "SNL", so if George W Bush beats him in
the election nobody will remember it and we won't feel stupid about
it like with Walter Mondale and Mike Dukakis. It'll be great.
Let's face it, the main job of the Vice-President is to appear so
inept and incompetent that no one would even consider offin' the
chief. No one could pull this off better that Chris Katten's apple
spitting, table hopping "Mr. Peepers." He could also join Dick Cheney
as the second vice president to be caught dry humping the First
Lady's leg. Give Peep the veep!
Would Lee Harvey Oswald and Sirhan Sirhan have had a ghost of a
chance against a Samurai Warrior like Toshiro Mifune in "The Seven
Samurai"? He would have kicked their sorry asses! And when the Samurai
Warrior they don't have a ghost of a chance against is played by
the ghost of John Belushi you've got a candidate that'll kick George
W Bush and Dick Cheney's sorry asses!
The Cat That Can Unite A Nation
Animal Rights are getting bigger all the time and the Democratic
Party will inevitably fight for Dogs and Cats as aggressively as
it has fought for Blacks and Gays. And what better Feline American
to lead America into the future than Toonces, The Cat That Can Drive
A Car? We'll probably need a Dog to round out the ticket - How about
"There's always something" meets "We have nothing to fear but fear
itself" to give the Democratic party it's slogan for the 2004 campaign
- "There's always something to fear". Gilda Radner died of cancer
so we'll put Laraine Newman or Cheri Oteri in a wheelchair and have
Gene Wilder push her around. He looks like Eleanor Roosevelt, so
it can't lose!