Reviews of Records I Never Actually Listened to

By John Saleeby

The Raconteurs - "Consolers Of The Lonely"
This is the second album by the White Stripes guy with a bunch of other guys instead of only one girl. Like any other guy who has ever had a girlfriend I can understand why he's sick of playing with only one girl, but why go from playing with only one girl to playing with a bunch of guys when you can go from playing with only one girl to playing with a whole bunch of girls? Am I the only one left in this World who still knows the score? And when I say "a bunch of girls" I don't just mean one girl playing guitar, one girl playing bass, and one girl playing drums - I mean all those girls plus one playing saxophone, one playing ocarina, one playing harpsicord, one playing bagpipes, one playing banjolele, and the whole noisy bunch of em running around naked on the tour bus while I go around grabbing at random objects and taking notes for my Kiss And Tell autobiography. I ain't stupid!

Fuck Buttons - "Street Horsssing"
I shit you not, there really is a band called Fuck Buttons! I'll listen to their CD as soon as I'm finished making silly jokes about their name. Wouldn't it be cool if Fuck Buttons was a Christian Rock Band? "Brothers And Sisters, let's have a big Evangistical Welcome for . . . FUCK BUTTONS!!!" And then they come out sing "Jesus Loves The Little Children" all Old School and stuff. That would be a Scream-A-Roon-A-Doon-Ee! If I had come up with a band name like Fuck Buttons I might have bothered to start a band. What a great way to freak out The Black People At Work . . .
BLACK GUY AT WORK: What did you do this weekend?
JOHN SALEEBY: I bought the latest CD by my favorite band.
BLACK GUY AT WORK: Yeah? What's your favorite band?
JOHN SALEEBY: Fuck Buttons.
The Boss walks in.
BOSS: Can we get someone from Housekeeping to pick up this Black Guy's jaw off of the floor?

Kinda weird how I automatically assume that Fuck Buttons are white. Did you know that Judd Apatow was black? Swear to God!

Be Your Own Pet - "Get Awkward"
Be Your Own Pet raises an interesting question - No, not "Why are white kids still playing Punk Rock in 2008 when not even The Ramones can be bothered to show up for work on time?" - Be Your Own Pet raises the question "Why Be Your Own Pet when you can save so much time and effort by Being Your Own Wife?" Sure has worked out fine for me! I've been Missus John Saleeby for almost twenty five years now and we still sleep in the same bed, share every meal, and I've never once had to pace the floors all night long wondering when I was going to be home or who I was running around with. Then there is the question of Infidelity. Well, I'm not ashamed to reveal that not only do the Little Lady and I have an Open Marriage but, although I have had a number of girlfriends, my Wife has never felt the temptation to be with any other man but me! And she has had some offers! Are you as sick of this premise as I am? Just imagine how stupid Be Your Own Pet will feel in a couple of years.

Erykah Badu - "New Amerikah Part One"
Get a load of this - The black guy who's running against Hillary has a record out! But shouldn't it say "Erykah Hussein Badu" on the cover? Haw haw haw! What the heck, I wouldn't vote for the guy but I might buy his CD. I mean, I wouldn't want Steven Tyler to be President but I've still got a shitload of Aerosmith records, right? I looked at the song titles and, after that great joke that crazy Preacher man made about "God Bless America", I was kind of bummed to find that Erykah's not crooning "God Damn America" on this album. Shucks! But now I can do it on my CD - I'm white so people will just think it's Punk Rock and ignore me just like they ignore that Jello Biafra clown. But Erykah, My Brothah, no more pictures of you wearing a towel on your head - You look like a bitch!

Destroyer - "Trouble In Dreams"
"Destroyer"? Great fuckin' record! One of the best Kiss albums ever! Produced by Bob Ezrin, the dude who produced all the best Alice Cooper records and all the shitty Pink Floyd records. The only thing wrong with "Destroyer" is that candy ass "Beth" song, the one that sounds like Barry Manilow or Alice Cooper trying to sound like Barry Manilow. I bet it was Bob Ezrin's idea - Who needs that jerk? And there aren't any Ace Frehley songs on "Destroyer", what's up with that? I bet Bob Ezrin and Ace didn't get along, maybe Ace called him a "homo" and Gene Simmon's tongue wrapped around Ace's waist and yanked him out of the studio - ZZZOOOOMMM!!! Hey, wanna see my impression of Jimi Hendrix singing "Beth"? It's FUNNY! Wha? You don't want a review of "Destroyer" by Kiss? You want a review of some stupid CD by some stupid band called Destroyer? Fuck you, I'm not doing that.

Panic At The Disco - "Pretty Odd"
Panic At The Disco used to be Panic At The Disco! until they finally caught on that no one would ever care enough about them to pronounce their name in anything close to an exclamitory way. If you just absolutely had to have a little grammatical thingie at the end of their name it would probably have to be a question mark such as "Oh, why do I have to write something about Panic At The Disco?" They're certainly too lame to ever provoke anything like "I refuse to write anything about Panic At The Disco!" Now that they've done away with the exclamation mark they should tone things down a little bit further - Let's go from Panic At The Disco to . . . Uh . . . Confusion At The Disco. And why "Disco"? That's a rather funky word for a band as dull as this. How about "Deli"? I can see those mooks behind a counter wearing hair nets and asking "Wait - Did you say salami or pastrami?" Yeah, Mix Up At The Deli! I'll listen to em when they're Screwed Up At The Deli. Until then, screw em.

The Teenagers - Reality Check
Oh, what the Hell - A record by a band from France?! If I had listened to it before I knew where it was from I would have just assumed that they were gay and given it a good review just to stay out of trouble with the local hairdressers. But now I know that The Teenagers are from France and I am filled with contempt, I tell you - CONTEMPT!! Jean Luc Godard's revolutionary editing technique aside, the French do not Rock. The only French record with achieved attempted Rockage was Plastic Bertrand's "La Plane Pour Moi", a record so crazy I am quite sure that today Bertrand is living in a trailer park outside Baton Rouge with a Vietnamese woman Jean Luc wishes he could do some cutting up with. But these Teenagers and their "Reality Check" - I refuse to acknowledge their existence! POOF! They have just disapeared off the face of the Earth! Gone! Just like that!

Bob Mould - "Distinct Lines"
Hey! Bob Mould from The Replacements has a new solo album out! What a relief! When I found out that he'd written all the songs for one of those godawful animated cartoons I thought he'd completely pussied out. You never heard The Replacements? That's okay, not everybody can be as cool as me! They were this really great band from the Eighties and then they had to break up because it was the Nineties. So Bob wrote all the songs for some dumb ass cartoon and Tommy the bass player joined Poison, which is cool cause he looks just like C.C. DeMille, anyway. So if you want to get into The 'Rats (As all us hipster Replacements fans like to call em) "Distinct Lines", Bob's new album, might be a good place to start. Better than "Don't Tell A Soul" or "All Shook Down", that's for damn sure! Whoa!

 

 

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com