Aw, Big Deal About Scarlett Johanson!!
By John Saleeby
April 1 , 2007
Hillary Clinton or "What's His Face" Obama? Democratic Party insiders are predicting that who will be the party's Nominee in 2008 may depend on one decisive issue - Hillary's belief that George Romero's original is the best "Dawn Of The Dead" and "What's His Face"s contention that Zack Snyder's remake is the best "Dawn Of The Dead". Even though it is still only 2007, both Candidates are being urged to take a bold, aggressive stance. "If Hillary doesn't step forward to assert that the running zombies in the remake are just stupid 'What's His Face' will blindside her with a bitter put down of that retarded Pie Fight in the original." says NBC News David Gregory. John Edwards, of course, has no chance at all of ever being President and should look forward to playing video games with his Wife in a backyard shed just like the end of his favorite Zombie movie, "Shaun Of The Dead".
Why do I write that shit? Well, I've got a gig opening for Rascal Flats at the casino in Biloxi tonight and I need some new material. How did I get booked for this gig? Beats me! I haven't done Stand Up in years and I wasn't looking for bookings even then. All I know is that I was walking around the parking lot outside my apartment entertaining the little black kids with my Great Big Fred Flintstone Feets when a Great Voice came a'thunderin' down from the sky commanding me "Prepare, John Saleeby! Prepare to open for Rascal Flats at the casino in Biloxi tonight!! Prepare!!" Whoa! I asked the little black kids "Did you hear that?" and they just looked at me all "Say what?" like. But one day they'll hear their Great Voice come a'thunderin' down from the sky and when they ask me if I heard it I'll be there to back them up on their Holy Mission ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!!!
And then I remembered - Fred Thompson is considering running for President and my article about him in Acid Logic has been getting so much attention I'm hoping to get a job writing jokes for The Great Fred's campaign. That would be AWESOME! Why not? If Lenny Kravitz can write for Aerosmith I can write for Fred Thompson. I just had to mention Lenny Kravitz cause it always gets a Big Laugh out of the little black kids in the parking lot.
But this gig tonight could be my Big Break! I'm gonna go out in the parking lot and practice my act for all the little black kids before I go down to Biloxi. First I have to put on my rubber Fred Thompson mask I ordered from Famous Monsters Of Filmland. Actually it's a Creature From The Black Lagoon mask but after I painted it White Man Color it's a Fred Thompson mask. Sorry, Mister Fred, but it's true. Maybe I should apologise to The Creature From The Black Lagoon but In Water No One Can Hear You Kid.
But there must be more to my transformation than merely wearing a rubber mask! Before I can portray Fred Thompson with complete conviction my prior existence as John Saleeby must be completely OBLITERATED!!
(Saleeby slams his face into the wall until he breaks his nose, blood shooting in crimson fountains all over the room. Saleeby puts on his Fred Thompson mask, runs to the closet, carries out an armload of copies of MAD and CREEM which he dumps onto the floor and ignites with a nautical flare gun.)
"This bleeding! This humiliating symbol of my inextinguishable tie to the foul rabble! There is only one way in which it can be stemmed!!"
(Saleeby forces his face into the flames for as long as he can stand)
"Stop the bleeding!!! Stop the bleeding!!! THE BLEEEEEDIIING!!! I'm going for that 'Tried To Blow My Head Off With A Shotgun After Listening To Judas Priest But Didn't Work Out The Angle Quite Right' effect. THE BLEEEEEEEDIIIING!!!"
About ten minutes later I walked out into the parking lot . . .
"Good Evening and welcome to the show! I'm Funny Fred Thompson and . . . "
The act wasn't really going over with the little black kids but that didn't disturb me, this was sophisticated "Political Satire" after all. I was just working out the material the way I used to do it in those stinky Folk Clubs up in Greenwich Village before I took it to the regular comedy clubs over in New Jersey like The Giggle Pit. So I was cool with it until all the little black kids stopped staring at me with their mouths hanging open and started screaming and hollering at me all Horror Movie like. Now this was unprecedented, although it did bring to mind that one night at The Speakeasy when I did a little skit about Joan Baez having a Three Way with Joey Bishop and Little Richard. Well, no wonder I wound up back here in Mississippi! I would have made an entry in my little lavender "Epiphany" book if only all the little black kid's parents hadn't started shooting at me.
"That white man done turned hisseff into a MONSTUH!!!"
I might have gotten killed but, come on, just because some guy can afford to buy an Uzi or an AK47 doesn't mean he can hit anything with ‘em. I mean, they still do that stupid thing with a Forty Five where they hold it tilted off to the side like some fool in a movie. You can't hit anything like that any more than Eddie Griffin can drive! They were all so wrapped up in blazing at me running all over the parking lot like a little bitch they didn't realize they were destroying every single one of their own cars - Gas tanks erupting, windows shattering, and stereos crying "Oh, goddam! Jesus! Help me, Lawd!" At least I hope it was the stereos.
I hopped into the UPS man's truck and took off for Biloxi. It was so exciting driving that UPS truck to Biloxi with US Army helicopters shooting rockets at me I actually stopped thinking about Salma Hayek in "Desperado" for a couple of seconds. Was I worried about them Army Helicopters? Sheeeit, if those guys were any good they'd be shooting at UPS trucks in Iraq. Those pilots were so lame they couldn't hurt anybody if they were working for John Landis. We still have a few more miles to go until we get to Biloxi, let me explain that last gag to you . . .
(About eleven pages of John Landis gag explaining cut by Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis. Wil Forbis uses Pearl Drums and Gibson Guitars because he wants THE BEST!!!)
. . . as I entered Biloxi I bounced off of a fat lady so the UPS truck flew up into the sky like that car in "The Dukes Of Hazzard", crashed through the roof of the casino, fell on top of Rascal Flats as they completed their latest single "I Could Just Scratch Anne Coulter's Eyes Out", and exploded with an explosively explosive explosion instantly killing me, Rascal Flats, and fortunately no one else cause who the fuck wants to see a show with John Saleeby and Rascal Flats?
A moment later I stood before God as he told me that I had done good and he was proud of me. But then - What the Hell!?! - Those Rascal Flats creeps were standing before God and he was telling them that they had done good and he was proud of them! I started to say something but before I could get into Mike Hammer mode Rascal Flats started beating the shit out of me! Just when I was about say "Well, Dang My Cats!" there was a respite from the constant rain of rabbit punches and sissy kicks and I found that I had a new ally in my struggles - BRAD DELP, LEAD SINGER OF BOSTON! Brad had just committed suicide and now he was here to back me up against these Tiddly Winks. That's why he'd killed themself - To help me! Awright!
So That's How It's Been Ever Since And Ever Shall Be, Forever And Ever, War Without End, Quit Reading This And Change Your Grandpa's Depends. Amen!
Now, about that Scarlet Jo - LOOK OUT, BRAD!!!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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