Ja! Nein! Rammstein!
By John Saleeby
It’s a hard time to be a Rock And Roll fan. For one thing, all us Rock And Roll Fans are OLD! That used to be “Rock N’ Roll” but now that we are all OLD that “N’” thing seems a little too cocky if you ask us. Anybody that goes around saying “N’” ought to go out and get a job like we did when . . . Yeah, we’re OLD.
Everything sucks these days but Rock Also Roll? Green Day is a Big Deal Band? No wonder we’re all supposed to pretend to like Country Music. No way am I pretending to like Green Day. I’d rather pretend to be Alice Cooper and run around scaring the little black kids in the parking lot. Who else is out there? I’ll have to stop writing and pace around the room to figure that one out. Ow! My knees hurt! (Saleeby falls out) Yeah, Out Boy! whatever happened to The Fall? Rock = Roll is OVER! This Pearl Jam Song on the radio goes on and on forever but Rock With Roll is OVER!
So I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at naked Japanese girls . . . I mean, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the Internet, a Magical World where you are just Two Clicks away from The Unexpected. In my case the Unexpected is naked Japanese girls with dicks but one day I was startled to find myself watching a RAMMSTEIN video and my Life has changed in Oh So Many Ways! Yeah, you’ve probably heard about Rammstein, a German Band that . . . When I hear “German” I think of . . . What is that noise? Are those Dive Bombers? ARE THOSE DIVE BOMBERS!? Nah, it’s a Rammstein concert. Boy, those guys like explosions even more than KISS!
Yes, discovering Rammstein was such a transformative experience that I rose up from the Grave and went right back down into the Berlin Bunker. Rammstein is COOL AS FUCK!!! Seeing them on You Tube was like seeing The Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show” only I was as old and miserable as Ed Sullivan and there are enough bombs and fireworks to get rid of all the Paul McCartney Solo Albums. Boy, are Rammstein into the Pyrotechnics! Too bad they are too young to have Worked for Werner Von Braun. Go Google “Werner Von Braun” and come back to reread . . . Google “Ed Sullivan” too. And "Paul McCartney.” And . . . Eh, you crazy kids with your Fall Out Boy!
But Rammstein is Aces even without The Rocket’s Red Glare, The Bombs Bursting In Air, Giving Proof To The Night That The Merch Is Still There. Unlike other German Bands like The Scorpions and . . . The Scorpions and . . . crap . . . The Scorpions, Rammstein is too Hard Core for the English Language. You know, like most RAPPERS!!! HAW HAW HAW!! No, sorry, all Rammstein Songs are in German. Maybe if I translate that Rappers joke into German I’ll be able to go outside without getting my ass kicked.
When you first see Rammstein they are the most terrifying band to come along since Deep Purple tried to be Deep Purple with a different Singer, a different Guitar Player, a different Bass Player, and a Polar Bear with Forrest Tucker’s arm hanging out of it’s mouth for a Drummer. I’m kidding about the Polar Bear. It’s the same old Deep Purple Drummer with Forrest Tucker’s arm in a Beer Cooler. But after a couple of tunes that make the 9/11 attack sound like “John Denver’s Greatest Hits” it quickly becomes apparent that Rammstein is a bunch of Hard Rockin’ Funny Guys who just want to show us a Good Time. Explosions And Comedy Bits? Hell, let’s go All Out Crazy and make that “Explosions N’ Comedy Bits”! It’s enough to get Anne Frank and Adolph Eichmann out of hiding!
So stop being so bummed out, Rock Fans! Give up staring at your dust covered Nirvana CDs and feeling depressed. Get up off of your ass and find some really cool music that you are completely unaware of right now. Continuing to listen to Music you got thoroughly sick of a quarter century ago will have you staggering around a Rammstein concert ranting “REMEMBER THIN LIZZY!?!” at terrified teenage kids just like that old “REMEMBER THE YARDBIRDS!?!” guy at that Thin Lizzy concert. Aw, Hell, have you been watching the News? There won’t be any rock concerts in the future. Don’t translate into German! I don’t want to bum Rammstein out. They really are kind of scary.
Rammstein’s Special Effects Director pushes a button. John Saleeby bursts into flame. The crowd goes wild.
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
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