Public Enemy No. 2

By Colin Hoad
January 16, 2003

With the first bombs almost falling on the West’s personal target practice range that is Baghdad, I got to wondering where (once the boredom of UN proceedings and other nuisances have been cleared away) America will go next to play Cowboys and Indians – or, as it is officially known, “the war on terror”. And so, behold, my proposed line up of possible contenders to become America’s Public Enemy No. 2!

1) Canada
With a low crime rate, clean environment and highly functional welfare system, those sneaky Canadians are clearly up to something. Not only are they conveniently and strategically located on the border with the USA, allowing for unlicensed propaganda and quick-and-dirty Grenada-style operations, but they’re also the second largest country in the North American continent, a clear sign that they’re a threat to the stability of the United States. My advice to President Bush is strike now before any of that good social policy surreptitiously infiltrates Capitol Hill.

2) Japan
Don’t let their lack of armed forces and close military alliance with the USA fool you, the Japanese are just as much of a threat to American world dominance as any one of those evil axis characters. Taking out Tokyo shouldn’t prove too much of a problem – after all, America has already had two practice shots at other Japanese cities in the past. And it’s not like there hasn’t been provocation in the past – as if Pearl Harbour wasn’t enough, the cheeky Japanese sent a stealth fishing boat sailing just above a US submarine! If that isn’t espionage at its most devious, I don’t know what is. The fishing boat and all its crew may have been destroyed, but vigilance must be kept up. Secret operatives from Japan are already reporting that those cute fluffy Pikachu dolls exported from the land of the Rising Sun are actually highly dangerous robots which could be signalled to attack innocent American civilians at any moment; those freaky Manga comics are not just for entertainment – they closely mirror Japanese foreign policy.

3) China
Well, they’re Communists, aren’t they? Nuff said.

4) Great Britain
Hollywood was right all along when casting Brits as the evil villains and masterminds in films since time immemorial. It’s proof enough that with their dastardly accent alone, the world could be theirs once again. Action must indeed be taken before the terrifying triumvirate of Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Lee and David Prowse sweeps to power. One tactical nuclear strike could ensure that the sun never sets on the British Empire ever again.

5) Tibet
Peaceful Buddhist monks? They invented Kung Fu, didn’t they? A sure sign of things to come.

6) Germany
Two world wars with the same country in just one century? The Old Enemy can never be trusted, history gives us all the evidence we need for that, and another war with Germany is thus surely inevitable. It started with the EU, but how long before it is renamed the Fourth Reich? If action is taken far enough in advance, America can put an end to the ever-growing threat of German militarist aggression (and lederhosen) forever.

7) Kazakhstan
Countries with unpronounceable names are always a good bet for President Bush to attack; and what right does a country with a name as strange and ridiculous as that have to being on the map? Eradicate it now and save future generations of Republic Presidents the trouble of learning this absurd word.

8) Israel
Kill two foreign policy birds with one nuclear stone! Wipe out Israel and at once remove a possible terrorist threat (Muslims are reported to have been found living in Israel) and solve the Middle East peace process. Why has no President thought of this before?

9) Russia
Communism doesn’t die easily, and with the red star making a come back on the uniforms of the Russian army, it’s obvious that the only thing which has changed in Russia is its name. A problem would arise if the acronym “USSR” returned, of course, since to the mind of a deep South Boll Weevil it’s all too similar to “USA” – and we wouldn’t want to confuse clean and pure capitalists with the dirty cheating communist scum of Russia. With the SDI project rearing its head once again, it looks as if Bush is already taking lessons from Ronnie Reagan. Now all he needs to do is hint at putting a man on Mars, and the Russian economy will fall into further ruination. This leaves the scene clear for a CIA mission to trigger another Chernobyl-like “accident”  – except this time, it’ll be more than sheep which get fried.

10) Antarctica
An easy acquisition for the USA, since the penguins are unlikely to put up much of a fight. What’s more, it can be easily repopulated with Alaskans – a sort of home from home, really.

It looks as if the future’s bright for George W. Bush – the list of enemies runs to at least ten on a brief analysis, and there’s many ways to find more should the need arise (after all, nobody had heard of Vietnam until some Ho became a Communist). With Vice President Dick building a war bunker in his back yard, all that stands in Bush’s way to global domination now is that pesky little thing called an election. Still, there’s always the Enabling Act to consider.