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Psychopathic Daydream

(a Halloween rant)

By Cody Wayne
October 16 2003

Very often, I find myself imagining a scenario involving an axe. 

This is a very new thing for me.  It goes under the category of “Things I Think About While Sitting In Class Sometimes.”  Everyone’s got one of those categories in their brain banks.  For males like myself, these images started to get really vivid and deep in the middle school era and escalated exponentially in the high school years.  In all cases, these imaginations revolved around fucking and sucking our hot, shapely, luscious female peers.  These imaginations revolved around the porno mags and movies we copped a peek at while the parental units weren’t around and the ways in which we would re-enact these porno images, now burned into the inner movie screens of our primitive male minds, with said female peers.  The mere instant the “fuck” thought came (no pun intended) into my mind, my cock did a double-take.  I could actually feel the major power line formed between my brain and the shaft of my dick electrify into life.  Instant boner.  I attempted, and usually failed, to “think” my cock down seeing as though having a stiffy in class… especially in high school class… was game for the subject of mockery till the day I killed myself.

But those days are over and done.  The hormones and the glands and the enzymes and whatever other psycho-chemicals that are floatin’ around have finished their initial jet-propelled blast into my system.  Class boners, once an eminent threat to my social stability, are now a fond erotic memory of classes that once were.

Now, my thoughts have been drowned in a sea of violence… pent-up stupid male ego violence.  (Why it is that mostly men were put in charge of societal and political affairs, I’ll never know.)

Now, my thoughts have evolved(?) to me wielding an axe, chopping things up… in classroom.  It’s a boredom thing, but it results in bad feelings.  Take, for example, sitting in a class which happens to be going over material that I already know and that others around me should already know.  In that example, I imagine taking an axe and chopping up the front desk.  I casually walk up to the front of the class and quickly raise the axe up, plunging it forcefully into the desk.  I tell myself, “I bet everyone’s wondering why I’m doing this.”  At this point, I’m guessing that no one would really know what to do other than move away from the white man with the axe.  But the teacher might be trapped.

So then I would chop into the chalkboard.  Then the wall.  Then a desk.  Then, another desk.  What I realize is that there is no end to the number of things that I can chop up with an axe.  I imagine, inevitably, chopping people up… like the professor.  I imagine putting the axe in his torso in a downward thrust starting at the left collarbone, or whichever shoulder happens to be facing the class.  It wouldn’t be anything against the professor.  Nothing personal at all.  Of course, I would be thinking of the fact that he or she has as much a right to live as I do, that they surely have a lot to offer the rest of the human race, that they hold a dear place in the hearts of those who love them and that I’d be ripping that away from their waking reality, but luckily, in my inner imaginary world, that shit doesn’t enter into the picture.  In my brain, I’m playing a video game with rules that I make up as I go along… where anything is possible.  The teacher would merely be a product of the boredom I felt and the way I chose to demonstrate that boredom to the class… this over and above my haphazard thrashing of material objects around me.  Mainly, it’s the class reaction I’m looking for in my imagination because that’s the huge unknown.  I can tell myself what I’m going to do in my brain, but it’s no fun to imagine an exact way in which those in the class might react.  That’s where the infinity of the imagination can really take off.  Will someone try to stop me?  Will people shudder in fear?  Will people run out of the room?  Will someone come to the aid of the teacher at the front of the class?  In my imagination, I like to think that someone would.

It’s a great thought exercise to imagine what people would do if I took an axe and just started thrashing the fuck out of the classroom.  Somewhere in this scene, I’ve taken a break to contemplate the structure of the axe itself… how the shaft girth must be extra wide just above and just below the axe blade apparatus.

(Am I getting through to you?  Do you understand?)

The police enter in to the picture at some point, so I assume, in my imagination, that I have to keep on the move.  I’d have to leave the classroom at some point.  If there were screams and the door was open, I would surely have attracted attention.  Perhaps I would leave calmly and put the axe in the trash.  But what if I really like that axe?  What if my great grandfather used that axe when he was psychopath?  I couldn’t just throw away an heirloom like that…

But now, this is where my thought-exercise ends.  No more need in pushing forward violent, negative thoughts into the world.  This is when I start to realize that if I use my imagination for constructive, compassionate, peaceful, helpful thoughts and then actively strive to make those imaginative thoughts a reality because of the wide-spread benefit they would provide to human kind, that this is when shit gets done… when the human race pushes forward and further into our true spiritual nature… by the thoughts and acts of one human.

Use your brain.