John Saleeby - Shkitsophreniac!!!
By John Saleeby
October 1, 2002
"Hello, Baby Boomers! And now it's time for 'We're Not Old, Are We? No, We're Not Old!'. Today on 'We're Not Old, Are We? No, We're Not Old!' we're
going to talk about Susan Sarandon - She's so hot! No, she's not old, is she, Al Gore?"
"No, Susan Sarandon isn't old! She's totally sexy! She's not old at all! Right, Tom Petty?"
"Susan Sarandon old? Susan Sarandon is hot! Red hot! She's not old!
Do you think Susan Sarandon is old, Tom Brokaw?"
"I would kill to have sex with Susan Sarandon! She's not old! No way!"
"Well, that's all for this week on 'We're Not Old, Are We? No, We're Not Old!', Baby Boomers! Be sure to join us next week for 'Paul McCartney Kicks Ass! No, He's Not Old At All!' on 'We're Not Old, Are We? No, We're Not Old!', brought to you by Depends Adult Diapers!"
"This Sunday Nick At Night is showing 'Cheers' all night long! One episode if 'Cheers' after another all night long so watching the show about sitting
around in a bar all night will be just like sitting around in a bar all night!"
The "Cheers" theme song is heard . . .
"Just one more . . . "
The "Cheers" theme song is heard again . . .
"Okay, just one more . . . "
The "Cheers" theme starts up again . . .
"Eh, let's have another one . . . "
The "Cheers" theme again . . .
"Okay, one more! Just one more!"
Fuckin' theme song again . . .
"Oh, my God! Will you look at what time it is!! Oh man, I gotta go to work in the morning! Oh man! Shit!"
"The Brady Bunch" theme song is heard . . .
"'The Brady Bunch'!?! That's what my kids watch when they get up in the morning! Damn!"
"Daddy, have you been up all night?"
"Roger! How can you let the children see you like this?"
"I was just gonna have a couple -"
"Staying up hanging around in a bar all night! That's it! I want a divorce!"
"Nick At Night - Prime time TV all night distorting your perception of reality and inducing temporary psychosis! Killed the wife and kids in a
bloodthirsty rage? Don't kill yourself! Go with the Nick At Night Temporary Psychosis Defense! Yeah! Go right ahead and find out what their brains taste
like! When you -"
"Hey, is he making all that up?"
"It's not in the copy!"
"Get him out of the studio! Get him . . . Oh, shit! He's got a machete!"
Horrible screams are heard, then footsteps out the room and silence until
the tape runs out.
Jazzy saxophone music is heard . . .
"And now, another trip back to the golden days of Hipster Stand Up Comedy
with the legendary Lenny Bruce. Yes, cats, it's time for 'Memories Of
The sax peaks and fades . . .
"Danny Cheezini, janitor at The Barking Cat night club in the early sixties
remembers . . ."
"One morning I was sweeping the place out after Lenny had played the night before and what did I find under the tables with all the cigarette butts and broken glass and tore up copies of 'Naked Lunch' and shit but Lenny Bruce, all blue and rigor mortis like just as usual. Beautiful cat, just fabulous. Stuck his tongue into the wall socket and gave him some bennies to wake him up, next thing I know he's having a flashback to the war when he pretended to be a homosexual to get out of the Navy and he's singing 'Cry Me A River' and I hadda beat the crap outta him to get him off of my leg. But he was a beautiful cat, just fabulous. Is there part of a jelly doughnut in that wastepaper basket? I smell a jelly doughnut. Can I have it?"
"This has been 'Memories Of Lenny' another trip back to the golden days of hipster stand up comedy with the legendary Lenny Bruce. Next week - Lenny frames his wife for possession of marijuana to get custody of their daughter. Hey! Don't eat that! Put that down!"
HEY, ACID LOGIC READERS!!!
TIRED OF DOUG MCCLURE WALKING AROUND WITH HIS COCK OUT IN FRONT OF ALL THE LITTLE KIDS?
SICK AND TIRED OF LARRY KING USING HIS FILLED UP COLOSTOMY BAGS AS WHOOPIE CUSHIONS?
JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH WHOOPIE GOLDBERG PICKING HER NOSE AND SPRINKLING KOOL AID ON THE BOOGERS SO YOUR KIDS WILL EAT THEM?
Well, you're just being prissy.
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org