"What The Hell, I'll Direct The God Damn Movie!"
By John Saleeby
December 1st, 2011
If you had told me years ago that there would be an article entitled "Fuck Zombies" on Acid Logic and that I would whole heartedly agree with it, I'd tell you Charles Schultz would rise up from The Grave to syndicate a Comic Strip about JFK getting gang raped by Demons in Hell. (I've been waiting for an opportunity to work that into conversation for a while and finally had to contrive one on my own.) But it really has happened - They've overdone The Living Dead so much that people are sick to Death of the poor things! Next thing you know people will be sick of skinny long haired white guys playing electric guitars! Who is to blame for this? George Romero? That asshole who Directed the "Dawn Of The Dead" remake?
I know what's gone wrong - Everybody's so tired of waiting for the Movie version of the "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" book to come out that they've lost all interest in Zombies in general. Why are they having such a hard time getting somebody to Direct that Movie? All this sitting around waiting for the "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" Movie to come out has been as bad for Zombie Movies as waiting for "Chinese Democracy" was for Rock And Roll. That damn album put Steven Tyler on "American Idol" and next year "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" will have the Hare Krishna Zombie from the original "Dawn Of The Dead" on "American Idol" singing some cosmic crap off of an old George Harrison album. There's been nothing to do but think about "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" and I don't know about "Pride And Prejudice" but the more you think about "Zombies" the dumber they look. How long ago was "Night Of The Living Dead"? Forty three years? That Old Man Zombie was terrifying to Barbara when she first saw him in the Cemetery but if she had to hang around with the poor dead geezer for forty three years she'd be ragging on him as casually as her poor Brother Johnny "Oh, when are you going to get a new suit? You look like a bum! Did you use that mouthwash I bought you?".
"Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" should have been released and forgotten long before "Kick Ass", "Scott Pilgrim", and "Sucker Punch" were released and forgotten. "Zombie World" was a Hit but if "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" had come out when it was supposed to "Zombie World" would have been completely ignored. The only thing that Movie had going for it was that surprise appearance by Bill Murray. Surprise? If "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" had already come out they would have told us about Bill Murray being in it before they told us about the Zombies. "Zombie World"? It would have been called "Murray World"!
To Hell with it! If they can't get anybody to Direct "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" I'll do it just to get it over with. And after I finish making the Movie I'll go to Iran and launch a Nuclear Strike against Israel. I'm tired of hearing about that all the time, too. Let's just get it over with! Shit!
Who was the original Director on "Pride And Prejudice And A Long Stupid Title?" DW Griffith? Hahaha! I'm sorry! No, it was David O. Russell. The "O" in David O. Russell stands for the "Oh!" you say when you finally remember one of the Movies he's Directed. Russell is mostly known for getting in BIG FIGHTS with the Stars of his Movies, like George Clooney in "Three Kings". I guess Russell getting his ass handed to him by Clooney wasn't caught on film because then it would be in the Movie instead of all the stuff with Nora Dunn and Jamie Kennedy. Then he got in a Regular Donnybrook with Lily Tomlin while filming "I Heart Huckabees" that was on the Internet with all those cute videos of Cats N' Kitties. Is there a video on the Internet of Russell getting in a fight with Cats N' Kitties? I'd watch that. Russell didn't tangle with Mark Wahlberg until after they filmed "The Fighter" and now he won't be Directing the sequel. Which is a shame because I hear in the sequel Wahlberg fights George Clooney, Lily Tomlin, and a bunch of Cats N' Kitties. So it's no surprise that Russell walked out on "Pride And Prejudice And Cats N' Kitties" - See you later, PRICK!
Then Mike White got mixed up in this mess. I actually like Mike White so him getting out of "Pride And Prejudice And Don't Forget To Call Your Mom" is almost as good as Heather Graham getting out of her clothes in "Boogie Nights". Mike White Wrote "School Of Rock", "Nacho Libre", and . . . I probably shouldn't bring this up . . . "Chuck And Buck" . . . and he also . . . What? No, I don't want to talk about "Chuck And Buck". Mike White also . . . Leave me alone about "Chuck And Buck"! What? I said I like Mike White? So? Yeah, I rented "Chuck And Buck" . . . You actually looked up my record at Blockbuster? So what if I rented "Chuck And Buck"? Huh? I rented "Chuck And Buck" but I didn't storm into Blockbuster ranting at the Employees about how DISGUSTING it was and demanding my money back like a Normal American Man would? What? I HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD!?! OW!! OUCH!! OWWW!!! STOP HITTING ME!! I HATED "NACHO LIBRE"!!!!
After Mike White was chased out of the Neighborhood some guy named Gillespie was brought in to Direct "Pride And Prejudice And I'm Hiding In A Garbage Dumpster" but he didn't even last long enough for anybody to remember his first name. Chuck? Buck? Who cares? It's time for some one to step up and get this thing taken care of and I guess it's up to me.
Prior to "Pride And Prejudice And Forget Spielberg, Saleeby's Taking Over" I was planning to make my Directorial Debut with an adaptation of my Script about a guy with two boxes of Kellog's Special K cereal on the ends of his legs instead of feet. I almost Directed that "Clash Of The Titans" remake but when they found out I was planning for Pegasus to have four boxes of Kellog's Special K cereal on the ends of his legs instead of hooves they moved Rob Schneider ahead of me on the "Who's Turn Is It To Fuck Kate Hudson?" list and I hit them with a lawsuit so big they thought it was the script to "Under The Dome." Hollywood is a dangerous place, even without Charles Manson and John Landis.
I hired Aaron Sorkin to Write the script but had to fire him when I found out he doesn't Write while smoking crack and tripping on mushrooms anymore. What's the point of having that asshole around if he doesn't have any mushrooms or crack? Who's got the mushrooms and crack? Toss em over here! I'm in the garbage dumpster!
So I've been working on a few ideas for my "Pride And Prejudice And Rehearsing Is For Fags" Movie and it is going to be a PIP! First of all, every one of the female characters will be played by The Love Of My Life Brenda Song and Tommy Chong will play the guy who makes all the "Weed" jokes. You Can't Go Wrong With Brenda Song And Tommy Chong! Zombies? You bet! Thousands and thousands of Undead Glenn Becks eating the flesh of the Living and carrying on like idiots on AM Radio and the Internet. When There's No More Room On Fox News Glenn Beck Will Walk The Earth! LOOK OUT, BRENDA SONG!!! OH, HE TORE HER ARM OFF!!! At least now we won't have to look at her tattoo. Meanwhile, I'm sitting next to the Camera smoking crack and tripping on mushrooms and wondering "What would Jean Luc Godard do?" Did Godard ever make a Zombie Movie? That woulda been AWESOME!! (I had to cut out forty seven pages of "Godard Zombie Movie" jokes here - Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis) HEY! Where did all my "Godard Zombie Movie" jokes go? "They're in the garbage dumpster across the alley from your garbage dumpster." Oh! (Saleeby jumps out of his garbage dumpster, runs over to the other garbage dumpster, sticks his head in, and forty seven pages of "Godard Zombie Movie" jokes grab him, drag him into the dumpster, AND FUCK HIM UP!
Fulci: Now, why didn't I think of that?
Like we know what's going on inside that big Italian egg plant head of yours!
Now I'm so screwed up I don't even feel like making the Movie any more than Chuck or Buck Gillespie did. But I've got to do it just to keep My Darling Brenda Song too busy to get any more tattoos! Geez, give her some shades, a stovepipe hat, a cigarette, and people will think she's SLASH! Not a compliment, Brenda, not a compliment. I'll put her retard fiancee in the Movie and blow his head off in some kind of "The Crow" like On-The-Set Fatality. I didn't know John Landis Directed "The Crow".
So then I picked up a copy of "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" and found out the Real Reason why nobody wants to make a Movie out of it - This Book SUCKS! If it's not the Most Stupid Thing I Have Ever Read it's only because I have never received an email from Clint Eastwood. This Book is just Cute White People Shit. There's no getting away from that stuff - Right when R.E.M. finally went away I read an interview with Mindy Kaling in McSweeney's. There's no getting away from those Cute White People no matter now many Starbucks franchises go out of Business. They just took Jane Austen's old book, threw in a Zombie every few pages, and it's supposed to be funny. "Pride And Prejudice" is a good book - I can say that now that I'm safe in this garbage dumpster - but having the characters get in Hand To Hand Combat with the Living Dead every other chapter just makes the whole thing look dumb. "Kashmir" is My Favorite Led Zeppelin record but if they added some Black Guy rapping on it I'd hate the whole thing.
What? You're RIGHT! They already did that, didn't they? Shit! Black Guys from The Past are Time Traveling into The Present to steal My Stuff! Right now Heavy D is in 1996 eating the McDonald's McRib I left in my refrigerator!
But, what the Hell, if they can make a Good Movie out of a Terrible Book like "The Human Centipede" . . . Oh, "The Human Centipede" wasn't based on a book? I could swear I read a book that . . . Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking about that Book Wil Forbis put out. I always get those two mixed up.
And now here is Wil Forbis banging on the lid of the dumpster with another idea for a book - "Lord Of The Rings And Explosive Diahrrea"?
Yeah, what the fuck. I'll Write that. Yeah. What the fuck.
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org