What Does Winnie the Pooh Have that I Don't?
By Adam Lewis
September 16 2003
What does Winnie the Pooh have that I don’t have? He is a short, monotone, chubby little bear that eats honey all day. Pooh is extremely hairy and his gut hangs out of his shirt. But for some reason all girls think he is just so adorable. Me. I am short, monotone, chubby little human being that eats most of the day. I am hairy. If you saw me with no shirt you would think I'm a gorilla. My belly doesn't hang out of my shirt; it's not that big. The girls think he is cute and they also think I am cute as well; my mom even said they do so it must be true.
To woman Pooh is huggable soft and suit for cuddling. My friend Emma is a cuddler, she always has her arms wrapped around him while we watch movies together. Not only does she have a larger than needed stuffed Pooh, he also can be found on her underwear, bath towels, t-shirts, dinner plates, television remotes, beer Koozies, coffee mugs, slippers, toothbrush, posters, cigarette lighter, pot holders and pillow cases. She, like millions of woman, can’t get enough of him. They seem to never get sick of this guy.
But for some reason, girls don't like me the way they do with Pooh. I have plenty of friends as he does. They just don't bounce on tails, walk slowly, fly or are stuffed with woodchips and covered with fur. My friends have chest and facial hair, vital organs and can move at various speeds over land, air and sea via technology and physical fitness.
My friends don’t have obvious names pointing out their species like Gopher, Owl and Rabbit whose parents either thought the rest of the world was too stupid to recognize what animal their child was or couldn’t decided on a name. The parents of my friends took the time to think of names and didn’t label their child “boy” or “girl” or “human.” They didn’t assume our intelligence was even lower than it is by pointing out the obvious, they thought long and hard for a well fitting name. For example one of my friends is named Hans and he can play guitar. Doesn’t that count for anything?
Pooh has another pal named Christopher Robin who, to me, is slightly on the girly side. He possesses several womanly qualities that label him a sissy; he is always touching everyone, he talks to everyone about everything, he gossips and is always concerned with what everyone else‘s business is. Everyone knows that is exactly what a women like to do and is what binds them together. Christopher likes to throw parties for his 100-Acre Wood friends complete with party hats and birthday cake. Where the hell is the beer? My friend Noah throws parties all the time too and he has all kinds of adult beverages for us to enjoy in excess. This Christopher character probably runs like a Dickens through the woods when his parents come calling and that means only one thing; he prances because that is how a Dickens would most likely run! My friends run swiftly and fast with high leg kicks and long strides because that is how real people run, like humans.
The 100-Acre Wood is very appealing to women who are vain and spend most of their day in tanning booths while Chinese men spray paint their nails. This area is a gated community and if you aren’t a plush animal there is no way you are getting into that sort of district to live. I for one would never lower myself to the conceited mindset that segregates myself from others as these 100-Acre Wood residents have done. I live in an apartment next door to people on welfare who drink Schlitz Beer and eat generic Oreo cookies. I keep myself humble by living next to the common man even though I drink Guinness and eat real Oreo Cookies. It‘s the least I can do for them.
Pooh lives in a tree. Now imagine a girl going back to his place after a date. I can’t see any female thinking it’s hip hanging out like children in a tree house. Actually it isn‘t even a house, it‘s set up more like a studio apartment because right when you walk in there is his bed and a kitchen table. I can’t believe he would have the gall having his bed out in the open like that because you can tell it from the get go he is thinking sex after a date. But for some reason if I pulled stunt like that, they would turn around and leave, that is why I don’t live in a studio apartment myself. I did however once live in an apartment with a Jacuzzi Tub. That tub was so big; two people could fit right in without the water flowing over the sides. The jets on the tub were adjustable with speed and direction and boy did they feel good. You should see they way my belly-jiggled form the jet sprays. It tickled.
Pooh’s best friend is Piglet. My best friend is named Nick. At least he doesn’t wear the same shirt everyday like this pig character. (Although they both do have similar skin color and shaped noses, that’s irrelevant with the point I am trying to make.) Pooh and Piglet are what I like to call a “man team”. I believe they are gay. Don’t misunderstand me, I see nothing wrong with being gay. But I think this is another reason why woman are so attracted to Pooh and his world. Woman like gay men because it’s like having a sister they never had. Someone they can shop and talk with about the latest fashions . More importantly though, they don’t feel like they are always being looked at like a sex object. As for Nick and I, we have never stayed over at each other’s houses like Pooh and Piglet have done. We have however spent the night in the mountains together. Wait a second… that wasn’t Nick, who the hell was that guy?
What the hell is a Pooh anyway? I'm Adam the Human Being; at least you can put me in a category. I'm classified as the smartest mammal on Earth; I have a college degree in electro-mechanical engineering. Does Pooh? No, he doesn't do a damn thing; he is a bum who doesn't work. Girls like responsibility and a guy to bring home the bacon, Pooh, he only brings home honey. Sur,e he may very well bring Piglet home sometimes but his small stature seems more fit for lean sausage links. I don't know about you but I would get really sick of honey every night for dinner. And Pooh can't even spell the word right. I deliver pizza and even if I do bring home pizza slices everyday, I am bringing home the bacon literally because that very well may be the topping on those slices.
Pooh can barely talk normally; the guy couldn't make a well structured sentence if he took an eighth grade English class. He is always saying words that don’t exist and woman think he is so innocent with the things he says. For example, and I quote:
"My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling, but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
That isn’t innocence, that is ignorance and woman like a man with brains, confidence and brilliance, like myself. To prove Pooh is an idiotic, unconfident bear with no brains I have directly quoted him once again:
"I have been Foolish and Deluded, and I am a Bear of no Brain at All."
"For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me."
"Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said Pooh humbly.
If I walked around making up and using words in sentences that don’t make sense, I wouldn’t be innocent I would be looked at like a complete imbecile. I know proper English and use it day after day, I know how to spell receive properly, I before E except after C or as in neighbor and weigh. Pooh admits he can’t spell at least I can, I bet he signs his name with an “X”. This just isn’t fair anymore, I get a bad rap while Pooh is glamorized and celebrated by woman of all ages and sometimes even by dudes. Why can’t I get any recognition and be cheered while held to a higher standard than he? I have studied and presented you the case proving woman are hypocrites by allowing Pooh to posses all the qualities which is a turn off to them. I have all the qualities which woman go for such as superior intelligent, awesome job, clothes that fit, a nice place to live and great friends. I don’t understand the attraction that guide woman to him, so I ask you once again, what does Pooh have that I don’t?