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Does Bush Need a Penis Enlargement?

By Sandra Kay
February 16th, 2003

You've seen them on TV! Penis Enlargement Pills are sweeping the country!! Hundreds of thousands of men are now discovering the wonder of these "miracle growth" supplements for themselves. Impress your girlfriend! (And the UN!) What man doesn't want a bigger penis?! (And more guns too!)

Ha! Mine's 945 inches! Beat that!

I've been pondrering this war thing a lot lately. It's hard not to when CNN is blaring from my TV set 24 hours a day because I keep expecting for something to happen. Code Orange. I don't quite understand what this means. If I wear black, will it turn into Halloween?

You know, I can’t help but wonder if there's a connection between this impending war with Iraq and the amount of spam email I’ve been getting about penis enlargements. Coincidence you say? Maybe not. There could be a connection there. Just like there could be a connection between oil companies exacting their influence on a White House that doesn't talk about conserving gas.

It’s all about dick dammit, and ours is bigger than France and Germany’s and they’re jealous. Russia suspects ours is bigger than there’s, and we all know that Dubbya’s is probably the size of Ball Park frank (before you cook em’). So my solution is to have a Shlong-a-Thon. All the world leaders should get together in an Internationally Televised Event and compare sizes. The goods get laid out for all to see, and then we could see who the real big bad boy on the block is. Women would play a role as well. Madeline Allbright, Hillary Clinton(although my suspicions are that she doesn’t like dick at all), and Condeleeza Rice would be the judges. But Nelson Mandella would excluded from the competition for obvious reasons. If it turned out that all those urban legends were true, Africa would take over and then we’d all be in big trouble.

North Korea, forgettaboutit, you guys would be long gone. I bet they wouldn’t even agree to do it, they’d say “uppy yours, you people sick”.

Iraq is supposedly trying to hide their dick. Even Hans Blix can’t seem to find it. But we’re damn sure that Saddam’s got a big one. Maybe the CIA saw him in a porno once or something.

Yeah, yeah, I know, if it wasn’t for all you pathologically sick men out there, bridges wouldn’t have been built and we’d all be living in teepees. (You ever been camping? It's not so bad.) Women just don’t have it in them to build nukes and potentially bomb the entire human race and every other living thing off the face of the planet. But without your dick, none of it would be possible, so we need your dick in order to survive. (Or at least buy diamonds that support terrorists. (Hey, they're a girl's best friend!)

You wonder why we look at your wallets more than you IQ or your wit? We’re not looking at your wallet, fool, we’re looking at your dick (and sometimes your wallet). (Sounds like a Missy Elliot rhyme--ed.) It’s survival baby, just the same as you look at my tits and forget everything I just said no matter how profound it was. You tell me you're thinking about Nietsche when your watching “Girls Gone Wild” and I’ll tell you your sexuality is questionable. Maybe you want dick too… I know I do.

And to answer your question, it’s girth, not length.

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