The Passion of the Christ: The Sequel!
By Wil Forbis
March 1, 2003
Well, first I’d just like to say thanks that you fellahs were willing to meet with me. I mean, I’ve never really pitched a movie idea to big name Hollywood executives and all, so I really appreciate that you took the time out of your busy schedules and let me come in to rap at ‘cha! I promise I’ll make this quick so you can get back to freebasing cocaine and contributing to the moral decay of society.
Whoa, I get it - tough crowd. Ok, I’ll get down to business.
Now, as I’m sure you know, the movie that’s really been racking up the big bucks lately is this “The Passion of the Christ” flick that actor Mel Gibson bankrolled with his own money. Hell, if I known people would pay so much money to see a guy hanging from a crucifix I’d have stapled myself up to one years ago. Anyway, last Friday I was I’m sitting down at the Spearmint Lounge thinking about Jesus hanging on the cross while I’m watching the tootsies shaking what God gave them and it hits me: Why not make a sequel?
Now, of course there’s a couple of plot issues that would have to be smoothed over for this to be possible. AS you know, at the end of the “Passion” [SPOILER ALERT] Jesus dies! Fortunately, Hollywood has a long history of coming up with hair-brained explanations as to why a character who died at the end of one film can return for the sequel. I’ve taken the liberty of jotting a few down which I like to throw at you.
IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
So get this, Jesus is just hanging out, chilling in the Jesus-hammock and catching a few “zzzzzzz’s.” Judas comes up, gives him a good shake and says, “Hey, man, wake up.” Jesus starts rubbing his eyes and he’s like, “Whoa, dude, I just had a totally insane dream.” And it becomes clear to him that the first film was really just a message from God, you know? It’s like, “Here’s what could happen to you if you don’t shape up and get a real job, you know? Quit this carpentry bag and get into something white collar, like blue chip stocks or running a chain of car washes.”
BEAM ME UP, PONTIUS
Not to crazy about that one, huh? Well, check this out. Jesus dies on the cross, but in the beginning of the new film we see a bunch of dudes collecting samples of all his DNA. They hand it over to Pontius Pilot who we discover is actually working for a bunch of aliens that have been floating above the earth in a giant spaceship. They make a clone of Jesus and send him back down to earth, and he’s totally pissed, you know? He’s got this big laser sword and he gets to work chopping up everyone that sold him out the first time. I’m thinking we could call it, “The Passion of the Christ II: Jesus’s Revenge!”
THE SON OF THE SON IS A SUNNAVAGUN:
Not hip to that one either, eh? Try this out. Jesus dies in the first flick, but what we didn’t realize is that Jesus was getting freaky with that Mary Magdalene chick the whole time. So nine months after Jesus gets crossed out, Jesus jr. is born. Knowing that the Romans wanted all traces of Christ wiped out, Mary whisks him away to a secret Shaolin temple where he trains in the most advanced kung fu fighting styles. And because he’s half human, half God, he’s got all sorts of super-powers. Like, he can fly around shoot out heat vision and he can eat as many hot dogs as he wants!
SNOOP GODDY GOD
Uh, okay, look, I’ve got one final idea to I wanted to toss at you. Now, if you’re like me, you were watching the first “Passion of Christ” thinking, “Where’s all the passion?” I mean, unless you’re big into the homo S&M scene – which let me make clear, I’m not – you probably thought this film was a little short on the triple X action, you know what I’m saying? So I’m thinking with the sequel we take things up a notch, you know? Check this out: Turns out the guy we saw die in the first movie is Jesus’s twin brother. The real Jesus turns to his peeps and says, “That was close, let’s have a party!” So everyone’s starts dancing and getting their freak on. I’ve got a great buncha gals from some rap videos I’ve produced who can shake their bootay like it ain’t no thang. And since everyone’s figured out he wasn’t a cracker, I’m thinking Snoop Dog as Jesus, dig it? Also, I don’t know how familiar you are with the adult film market, but I’ve directed Mary Carey in a coupla pieces, and she’s been looking for a project to take her legit. I think a softcore Jesus film could be just the right vehicle for her. She really just needs-
What’s that – it’s time to go? Sure, I understand you boys need some time to think it over. No, I don’t have any problem if the security guards walking me down to the front. You know, all my contact info is on those sample treatments so just give me a shout out, you know? Don’t be a stranger. You can have your people get in touch with my people. Right on.
Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.