By Wil Forbis
March 1, 2003
Well,
first I’d just like to say thanks that you fellahs were willing to meet
with me. I mean, I’ve never really pitched a movie idea to big name
Hollywood executives and all, so I really appreciate that you took the
time out of your busy schedules and let me come in to rap at ‘cha! I
promise I’ll make this quick so you can get back to freebasing cocaine
and contributing to the moral decay of society.
Whoa, I
get it - tough crowd. Ok, I’ll get down to business.
Now, as I’m sure you know,
the movie that’s really been racking up the big bucks lately is this
“The Passion of the Christ” flick that actor Mel Gibson bankrolled with
his own money. Hell, if I known people would pay so much money to see
a guy hanging from a crucifix I’d have stapled myself up to one years
ago. Anyway, last Friday I was I’m sitting down at the Spearmint Lounge
thinking about Jesus hanging on the cross while I’m watching the tootsies
shaking what God gave them and it hits me: Why not make a sequel?
Now, of
course there’s a couple of plot issues that would have to be smoothed
over for this to be possible. AS you know, at the end of the “Passion”
[SPOILER ALERT] Jesus dies! Fortunately, Hollywood has a long history
of coming up with hair-brained explanations as to why a character who
died at the end of one film can return for the sequel. I’ve taken the
liberty of jotting a few down which I like to throw at you.
IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
So get this, Jesus is just hanging out, chilling in the Jesus-hammock
and catching a few “zzzzzzz’s.” Judas comes up, gives him a good shake
and says, “Hey, man, wake up.” Jesus starts rubbing his eyes and he’s
like, “Whoa, dude, I just had a totally insane dream.” And it becomes
clear to him that the first film was really just a message from God,
you know? It’s like, “Here’s what could happen to you if you don’t shape
up and get a real job, you know? Quit this carpentry bag and get into
something white collar, like blue chip stocks or running a chain of
car washes.”
BEAM ME UP, PONTIUS
Not to crazy about that one, huh? Well, check this out. Jesus dies on
the cross, but in the beginning of the new film we see a bunch of dudes
collecting samples of all his DNA. They hand it over to Pontius Pilot
who we discover is actually working for a bunch of aliens that have
been floating above the earth in a giant spaceship. They make a clone
of Jesus and send him back down to earth, and he’s totally pissed, you
know? He’s got this big laser sword and he gets to work chopping up
everyone that sold him out the first time. I’m thinking we could call
it, “The Passion of the Christ II: Jesus’s Revenge!”
THE SON OF THE SON IS A SUNNAVAGUN:
Not hip to that one either, eh? Try this out. Jesus dies in the
first flick, but what we didn’t realize is that Jesus was getting freaky
with that Mary Magdalene chick the whole time. So nine months after
Jesus gets crossed out, Jesus jr. is born. Knowing that the Romans
wanted all traces of Christ wiped out, Mary whisks him away to a secret
Shaolin temple where he trains in the most advanced kung fu fighting
styles. And because he’s half human, half God, he’s got all sorts of
super-powers. Like, he can fly around shoot out heat vision and he can
eat as many hot dogs as he wants!
SNOOP GODDY GOD
Uh, okay, look, I’ve got one final idea to I wanted to toss at
you. Now, if you’re like me, you were watching the first “Passion of
Christ” thinking, “Where’s all the passion?” I mean, unless you’re
big into the homo S&M scene – which let me make clear, I’m not –
you probably thought this film was a little short on the triple X action,
you know what I’m saying? So I’m thinking with the sequel we take things
up a notch, you know? Check this out: Turns out the guy we saw die in
the first movie is Jesus’s twin brother. The real Jesus turns to his
peeps and says, “That was close, let’s have a party!” So everyone’s
starts dancing and getting their freak on. I’ve got a great buncha gals
from some rap videos I’ve produced who can shake their bootay like it
ain’t no thang. And since everyone’s figured out he wasn’t a cracker,
I’m thinking Snoop Dog as Jesus, dig it? Also, I don’t know how familiar
you are with the adult film market, but I’ve directed Mary Carey in
a coupla pieces, and she’s been looking for a project to take her legit.
I think a softcore Jesus film could be just the right vehicle for her.
She really just needs-
What’s that – it’s time to
go? Sure, I understand you boys need some time to think it over. No,
I don’t have any problem if the security guards walking me down to the
front. You know, all my contact info is on those sample treatments so
just give me a shout out, you know? Don’t be a stranger. You can have
your people get in touch with my people. Right on.
Call me?
