"Numb Nuts Nation"
By John Saleeby
September, 16, 2002
"Hi, this is Lou Bucholz of the New York Fire Department with a message for all you guys fighting terrorism overseas with the Army, Navy, Air Force, and the Marines."
"Hey, Lou! Somebody sent over a few cases of beer!"
"Oh, great!" Lou opens a can and drinks. "I'm sure a lot of you guys over there in Afghanistan and all them other places got wives and kids over here in the states and are worried about 'em being lonesome without you here."
"Hey! Somebody sent over a whole truck full of free pizza!"
"Grab me a coupla slices with pepperoni! Anyway, even though there ain't very much about you Army and Navy guys on TV over here, there's a ton of stuff about us Fireman! So even though nobody's thinking about you guys very much, your wives and girlfriends seem to be totally nuts about us firemen so don't worry at all about em being lonesome or nothin'!"
"Hey, Lou! Another TV crew's here! You wanna do another interview?"
"Uh, yeah - Just gimmee a minute to work up some tears for the camera." Lou puts "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen. "Well, this has been Lou Bucholz from the New York friggin' Fire Department - You mess with us we'll kick your ass! - sayin' 'Later' to all youse guys in the Army and the Navy and . . . uh . . . whatever."
A woman answers the telephone.
"Hi, this is Bruce Springsteen. I just read in the New York Times obituary page that your husband died in the World Trade Center attack and I'd like to ask you a few questions so I can write a song about it and get my face on the cover of Time magazine again."
"How did your day begin on September eleventh?"
"Well, I got up in the morning -"
"'Got up in the morning'? Hey, that's pretty catchy!" Springsteen begins playing guitar and singing. "Well, I got up in the morning and I went out drivin' down the ol' highway . . . "
"No, no, I got a call on the telephone -"
"Ooohh, that's good!" Springsteen starts singing again. "Got a call on the telephone and found out I lost my job at the ol' factory . . . "
"No, no, I found out that a plane had crashed into The World Trade Center- "
"SAXOPHONE SOLO! Take it, Big Man!"
"Aw, Bruce - How can you do this to people?"
Springsteen and Clemmons begin hootin' and ahollerin' as the woman tries to talk to them.
"Hey, when you guys go on tour can I get tickets for my parents? They really like you. Or was that Billy Joel? Who the hell cares?" She hangs up the phone. "It's not like it was Dave Matthews or Limp Bizkit or anything."
"And now an interview with Country music star Eb Cullins who claims he was kicked off of a PBS Fourth Of July special because the liberals wouldn't let him play his song about the September eleven attack."
"Them liberals wouldn't let me play my song. I was CENSORED!"
"And what is the name of your song, Eb?"
"My song is called 'Them No Good Towelheads Knocked Over Our World Trade Center'."
"Uh huh. And what did the producers of the PBS show say when they heard 'Them No Good...', when they heard your song?"
"They asked me if I had another song and I said 'Another song about what? Having gay sex with communist performance artists?' and from the look on their faces I could tell they were going to have a flashback from all the LSD they smoked in the sixties and kill me and write 'Helter Skelter' on the wall with my blood so I just got in my truck and ran over dead animals on the side of the road until I felt better."
"And how does your song go?"
"It goes like this . . . " Eb starts playing guitar and singing. "Them no good towelheads knocked over our World Trade Center, them no good towelheads knocked over our World Trade Center, them no good towelheads knocked over our World Trade Center, and put a great big dent in the Pentagon building, too. Doo doo doo . . . I hate them no good towelheads even more than I hate Mexicans, I hate them no good towelheads even more than I hate jews -"
"Okay, okay, that's enough. That's enough . . . "
"That's enough? How can there ever be enough patriotism? Wha . . . I've seen that look on your faces before - You're having a flashback from all the LSD you smoked in the sixties and you're going to kill me and write 'Helter Skelter' on the wall with my blood, aren't you?"
"Well, yes and no - I'm having a flashback from all the LSD I 'smoked' in the sixties and you're turning into a pony so I'm going to take you to a children's birthday party and let all the little kiddies ride around on you."
"Hey, that sounds fun! Let's go!"
NEXT ISSUE - Sheryl Crow Is One Old Bitch
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com