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Monkey See, Motley Crue

By John Saleeby
January 16th, 2005
Well, Motley Crue have reunited for a tour and if you're surprised by that you'd better go to the hospital and get an EKG before they announce production of another "Chucky" movie. Motley Crue - They may not be very interesting to listen to but, boy, are they fun to read about! And are they fun to write comedy bits about. This article could have easily  been a three hundred and fifty page book if only I hadn't been blacklisted by the publishing industry for . . . Well, I don't know exactly what for but it must have been something really bad if after all these years I can't come up with anything better to do than this Acid Logic crap. Was that skinny chick I got booted out of The Comic Strip for sticking my head up her skirt Judith Regan? When Tommy Lee pulls that crap everybody goes "Oh, Tommy Lee! Ya great big silly!" but I get dipped in bread crumbs, deep fried, and sold to mongoloids on a stick at back country cock fights. What's he got that ten million other drunken tattooed nimrods ain't got?

Not only is Motley Crue's "The Dirt" book a big hit but now MTV is making it into an all out movie! MTV? Maybe MTV could make a good movie if it was about a really great group like The Beatles or (Here's a good chance for Saleeby to get back in good with everybody in England!) The Clash, but Motley Crue? You would have to dig up the remains of Orson Welles, Alfred Hitchcock, and Stanley Kubrick, grind ''em into powder, and mix em up in a blender with the slime scraped off of the bathroom floor of whoever directed that "Rude Boy" movie The Clash starred in (Dig me, Anglo Peoples!) to make a halfway decent movie about Motley Crue. Those of us at Acid Logic heard about this and went to MTV to pitch either a movie about Mo Rocca starring  Tina Fey or a movie about Tina Fey starring Mo Rocca. Not that we would ever be so low as to do business with MTV, it was all a big scam to infiltrate their offices and then stink the place up with condoms full of three month old Homeless Man urine hidden in our Slash Fan Club Big Black Abraham Lincoln Hats. But then someone tipped off The Office Of Homeland Security and we spent Christmas dancing around Guantanamo Bay singing "Jingle Bells" while the detainees pulled their beards out. Can we go back again this year?

Motley Crue began as a New York Dolls style "Glam" act, looking so silly by even those standards a member of Aerosmith wrote "Dude Looks Like A Lady" because someone in Motley Crue reminded him of his Aunt. We're not sure exactly which member of Motley Crue inspired the song but I'm pretty sure it wasn't Mick Mars because then the song would have been "Dude Looks Like A Gopher". Motley Crue was one of the first bands to emerge from the Eighties LA Metal Scene documented in the "Decline Of Western Civilization - The Metal Years" movie. Everybody remembers the scene in that movie with the drummer from W.A.S.P. (We Are Still Practicing) swilling from a bottle of vodka in a swimming pull of water while his Mother looks on. A swimming pool full of water? Hell, that was a swimming pool full of VODKA! And that wasn't a bottle of vodka, it was a bottle full of VERMOUTH! Those LA Metal Dudes drank some serious ass martinis! And that wasn't his Mother, that was a member of Motley Crue! Aerosmith ain't stupid! The dude looks like a lady! Du-Du-Du-Dude looks like a lady!

The Most Significant Event In Motley Crue History was when Vince Neil killed Hanoi Rocks drummer Razzle Dingle in a Drunk Driving Incident (Pretty much The Only Significant Event In Hanoi Rocks History, although their guitar player got to tour with Iggy. I think.) Now, if I had killed somebody while Driving Under The Influence back in the early Eighties I probably would have been released from prison about a week and a half ago, but Mister Big Hollywood Rock Star Vince Neil only spent a month in jail and put out a lot of money he would have otherwise spent on a diamond studded solid gold exercise wheel for his gerbils. Lucky for Vince he only killed a drummer. If he had killed Michael Monroe, Hanoi Rock's lead singer, he would have been faced with ten years in prison or - Worse yet - twenty years as the new lead singer for Hanoi Rocks. Actually, Hanoi Rocks was a pretty good band. Hell, compared to Motley Crue they were The Beatles! I say Vince should have faced the kind of sentence he woulda been slapped with for killing Ringo Starr! What would that be? Hey, Ringo - Go for a drive with Lemmy from Motorhead and let's find out! 

Vince does not seem to have learned anything from the experience. Brace yourself if you have yet to get punched out by Vince because, from the looks of things, everyone in America will get punched out by him sooner or later. Ashton Kuchar may be playing Tommy Lee in that goddam MTV movie but he'd best forget about making Walking Time Bomb Vince the butt of one of his mean little "Punk'd" practical jokes - Vince ain't takin' no shit off nobody! A "Punk'd" prank on Vince would probably go like -

Vince is in his hotel room. Ashton Kuchar sends John Saleeby to knock on the door in a Bell Boy uniform.

SALEEBY: Room service!

Vince opens the door.

VINCE: Yeah?

SALEEBY: Hey! You're that guy! The Rock Star!

VINCE: Yeah . . .

SALEEBY: You're DAVID LEE ROTH!!

VINCE: Huh?

SALEEBY: Well, lemmee tell ya this, Mister David Lee Roth - SAMMY HAGAR RULES!!!

Ashton is laughing hysterically.

SALEEBY: Yeah! Van Halen with Sammy is THE BEST!!! You suck!!

Vince knocks Saleeby out with a single punch. Ashton walks out, giggling like a simpering douche.

ASHTON: Vince! You've been PUNK'D!!

VINCE: Who the fuck are you callin' a punk!?!

Vince throws Ashton out the window to fall eleven stories to the parking lot below,

ASHTON: Nooooooooooooo, we don't have a camera outside to get the shhhhoooooott!!!

VINCE: Say "Hi" to Razzle for me, bitch.

Mick Mars has had a long and profitable career in which the single creative thing he has ever come up with is calling Jack Daniels "mouthwash". Pretty funny until you realize that Joe Perry of Aerosmith makes about three hundred and fifty jokes like that in his sleep. While sleepwalking. While sleepwalking down the street with his wife, kids, and nurses running ahead of him buying up every bottle of Jack Daniels in his path and pouring them down the gutter before he can have a little drink and probably decide he's sick of all this Aerosmith shit and just retire, the poor man's pushing sixty! At least when Andy Griffith worked his way into The Crypt they let the old guy put on some WEIGHT! Why am I going on like this about Joe Perry in an article about Motley Crue? Cause there ain't dick to say about Mick Mars and I used up all my Ace Frehley material in another article about Blue Oyster Cult - Hell, let's see you come up with some Buck Dharma jokes!

Oh, Hell, let's face it - The only thing about these bums worth talking about are their women. Tommy got things off with a BANG when he married Heather Locklear whom he'd met backstage at an REO Speedwagon concert.

REO Speedwagon Guitarist: Oh my God! Did you guys see who's here tonight?

REO Speedwagon Singer: Heather Locklear!!

REO Speedwagon Drummer: One of us is gonna get to fuck Heather Locklear!!

REO Speedwagon Bassist: This is our LUCKY NIGHT!

REO Speedwagon Keyboardist: But who's gonna be the LUCKY GUY!?!

Tommy Lee walks in.

Tommy: Hey, Dudes - Let's party!

All The Girls: TOMMY!!!

Tommy: Hey, babes . . .

REO Speedwagon: AW, MAN!

David Lee Roth: You guys better grab a few drinks before Slash, Duff, and Izzy get here.

REO Speedwagon: WHO?!

David Lee Roth: You guys are doomed!

But Heather Locklear? Tell me that she's in the same League Of Blondes as Pamela Anderson and Donna D'Errico and you might as well put Vince Neil and C.C. DeVille in there with em. I don't care what you faggots say about Pamela Anderson - I think that woman is a PEACH! A peach with a coupla kumquats surgically attached, but one hell of a sweet juicy peach anyway! I love Pamela Anderson so much I've seen every episode of "Baywatch", every episode of "V.I.P.", and made it through more than ten minutes of the first episode of that "Stripperella" thing - Now, THAT is devotion of genuinely John Hinckley dimensions.

That is the kinda girl a Rock And Roll Star is supposed to get married to. Motley Crue is so Johnny On The Spot not only did Tommy get married to Pamela Anderson but Nikki Sixx got married to The Next Best Thing To Pamela Anderson, Donna D'Errico! I guess Donna D'Errico figured "Oh well, if you can't get married to Tommy Lee get married to The Next Best Thing To Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx!" And don't get me wrong, I've always loved Donna D'Errico, but once a woman has given birth to Nikki Sixx's kids I'd just as soon not think about her anymore. Yes, Pamela Anderson has given birth to Tommy Lee's kids but there's a world of difference between The Freaks In The Circus and The Freaks In The Basement Of The Hospital, ya know what I mean?

Ya know, for quite a while there I liked Donna so much I liked her even more than Pamela Anderson! Yes, it's true! And this was before I even knew that Donna had ever been in Playboy - Who cares about that? Donna D'Errico was My Very Special "Baywatch" Girl, I'll swim with her around The World, She's My Very Special "Baywatch" Girl, An old surfin' tune produced by Terry Melcher, When she gets home I think I'm gonna felch her, My Very Special "Baywatch" Girl, She's My Very Special "Baywatch Girl, If you write these songs Hasselhoff'll sing em, check out that groovy black chick Tracey Bingham, My Very Special "Baywatch" Girl, Myyyyy Verrrryyyyy Speeeeeeecccciaaaallll "Baaaayyyyyywwwaaaaattchhhh" Giiiiiirrrrrrrllllllllllllllllll!!!! But then one day I found out that she was married to that stupid Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue and I scratched her off my list with a great big red Magic Marker that smelled so much it gave me a buzz and I got a tattoo and wound up in LA playing bass in a Motley Crue tribute band called "That 80's Show". That's why right now I'm writing this with a crayon just like in more innocent times.

Hey, Yasmine Bleeth was on "Baywatch" with Pamela and Donna, what the hell was wrong with that Mick Mars? Was he too busy trying to come up with a follow up to that Jack Daniels "Mouthwash" gag to get him a hot lil' "Baywatch" chick of his very own? How did a girl as cute as Yasmine Bleeth wind up so lost and all alone on The Boulevard Of Broken dreams that she got busted for possession of cocaine on the day after the World Trade Center attack? Yeah, that's how much "The World Changed" after September 11 -

Dan Rather: The CIA has announced that the attack is the responsibility of Terrorist leader Osama . . . Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen, I have just been handed this fast breaking News Story - Yasmine Bleeth of "Baywatch" and that thing with Don Johnson and Cheech has been busted for possession of cocaine! When asked for a comment on Bleeth's arrest Mick Mars of Motley Crue told reporters "Cocaine? You mean like . . . foot powder? That's pretty funny, right? Aw, crap . . ."

What? The Pamela and Tommy sex video? I didn't know there was a Pamela and Tommy sex video! Damn, I've been too busy laughing at the Kurt and Courtney sex video to even know about such a thing. Yeah, check out the Kurt and Courtney sex video, it's a laugh riot! Ten minutes of "But, Courtney - What happened to your WEINER? Did it get cut off or something? How are you going to put that up in my butt? NO FAIR!"

And now, I am going to listen to every single Motley Crue record ever released and then provide a detailed analysis of their music. First, I'm going to put on . . . What? Oh, I'm all out of space?

Never mind.


John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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