Moments of the 1970's
By John Saleeby
Missed the first batch? Go here!
- By the end of the
Ford Administration the Office of the President has been so cheapened
that Jimmy Carter is clod hoppin' around the Oval Office trying to find
the phone number of the man who can feed all the poor people. Dean Martin
was almost going to be President until Sinatra told him Sammy Davis
Junior had to be Vice President and Dino told him to go fuck himself.
- KISS gets a big
hit single with "Beth", unfortunately a ballad - Not even a power ballad!
- with strings about missing your wife while working in the studio with
a band instead of a fast noisy rocker about chasing under age whores
while you're on the road with a band.
Beth I know you're lonely
And I hope you'll be allright
But me and the boys are watching
A teenage lesbian catfight
Ah hahhhhh . . .
They shoulda let Paul Stanley write it.
"Mott The Hoople?" says a record company executive "What the fuck kind of a name for a band is that? From now on you idiots are called . . . uh . . . The Door Knobs! That's it! The Door Knobs!". By 1980 The 'Knobs are one of the best selling bands in the world. 'KNOBS RULE!!!
- Jerry Ford occasionally
falls down so Chevy Chase could become a big star doing "Jerry Ford
Falling Down" jokes. As years pass people forgot all asbout Jerry Ford
falling down and what was so funny about Chevy Chase in the first place.
The only guy who made it big by making Jimmy Carter look stupid was
Ronald Reagan and he's already forgotten about us before we could forget
about him - What a cool guy!
- As you've all seen
on "That Seventies Show", every teenage guy in America during the Seventies
had an incedibly beautiful big nasty redhead living right next store
to make out with - An idea Henry Kissinger had while going down on Jill
St. John. Whatever happened to all of those wonderful redheads? Just
wait until next season when "That Seventies Show" presents the Very
Special One Hour "Eric Has A Psychotic Fit While On Acid And Cuts Donna's
Head Off" Episode. Now we all dig Jackie.
- Suzanne Somers became
a big star on "Three's Company" and the strange fact that she has become
something of an international joke is only further proof of The International
Homosexual Conspiracy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Suzanne looked kind of silly
selling that Thighmaster thing, but exactly how many of those things
do you think you'd be able to sell with, I dunno, Diane Keaton or Candice
Freakin' Bergen on the goddam commercial? Suzanne is the prettiest girl
that ever lived and I don't care what anybody says, God Damn It!
- Pattie Hearst is
kidnapped by The Symbionese Liberation Army and is brainwashed into
joining her captors in all kinds of zany antics including bank robbery,
drug abuse, and group sex. Thousands of young Americans pack up and
wander the globe searching for "that really fun sounding Symbionesia
- "Jonathon Livingston
Seagull" becomes a huge internayional best seller, presumably through
the mail because very few seafulls are seen in the bookstores. Ha ha
ha. I wrote that when I was twelve.
- "The Exorcist" starring
Linda Blair as a young girl possessed by a demon, is a gigantic success.
Blair never does appear in another successful film, although she does
develop one of the most amazing set of tits the world is too busy looking
at Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino to see. Did I spell those guy's names
right? I'm not sure, I don't even know what they look like.
- America is bewildered
by the appearance of Bruce Springsteen on the covers of both "Time"
and "Newsweek" at the same time, even though his current record "Born
To Run" is never that big a hit. Springsteen devotes his life to playing
the kind of culturally significant music that could justify that kind
of attention and becomes about as entertaining as Spiro Agnew, Walter
Mondale, and Natalie Merchant.
- Farrah Fawcett sells
millions of posters and if you don't understand why you've either never
seen Farrah Fawcett or . . . uh . . . No, that won't work - Even gay
guys love Farrah Fawcett, what's YOUR goddam problem? What the hell
were you decorating your room with back in the Seventies if you didn't
have a Farrah poster? The mummified heads of teenage runaways dangling
from the ceiling by their intestines? Hell, even that picture of Patty
Hearst posing with a machine gun in front of the SLA poster - If she
had moved a couple of feet to the right she would have been in front
of a Farrah poster and then the SLA would have conquered the world.
- The Vietnam War
finally ends, suddenly leaving millions of Americans without anything
to bitch and moan and carry on about until the Music Industry is kind
enough to give them Disco. Yes, Bill Clinton was against Vietnam - But
where did he stand on Disco? George W Bush supported the war - But does
he have a liesure suit in his closet? Al Gore was in the war although
he was against the wat and if that isn't the kind of moral ambiguity
that gave us the Village People not only will I eat my hat but I'll
also eat the Indian Chief's feathered hat and the Construction Worker's
metal hat. But not Al Gore's hat.
- Richard Pryor is
dismayed to find that he has signed an agreement to star in a weekly
comedy series for NBC. Even though he actually did sign the contract,
Hollywood sleazeballs have hit on a way to trick the drug addled loonie
into doing things against his will.
"What? Did I really sign an agreement to make a movie with Gene Wilder?"
"Yep, this is your signature right here, Richard. See?"
"Uh . . . Okay."
And a little bit later -
"Damn! I signed another agreement to be in another movie with that fuckin' Gene Wilder?!? Shit!"
- The soundtrack to
"The Sting" features ragtime musician Scott Joplin's classic "That Goddam
Old Piano Thing They Won't Stop Playing On The Radio Or TV" which becomes
a huge hit single. Record stores all over the USA are overrun by mobs
of people hollering "You got that goddam old piano thing they won't
stop playing on the radio or TV?" and tearing the place apart. To this
day no one can quite remember the actual name of Joplin's tune, but
no one will ever be able to ever forget the burning searing rage that
possessed us all every time we heard THAT GODDAM OLD PIANO THING THEY
WOULD'NT STOP PLAYING ON THE RADIO OR TV. "The Sting" is a really good
movie, although when you rent it make sure you get the new version with
"We're An American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad on it instead of "That
Goddam Old Piano Thing They Wouldn't Stop Playing On The Radio Or TV".
- The international success of "Walking Tall", a low budget tale of redneck vigilante justice, scares the daylights out of sensitive liberals. Buford Pusser, a small town sherriff who refruses to allow the Bill Of Rights to get in the way of smackin' crooks in the head with a great big ol' hunk o' pine, was played by . . . uh . . . Wait a minute . . . I don't remember the name of the guy who starred in "Walking Tall". Gosh, I haven't seen him in years! Haven't seen "Walking Tall" in God only knows how long either, now that I think of it. Hhhhhmmmm, maybe them liberals weren't so powerless, after all. Remember what an example they made out of Andrew Dice Clay? And how come Howard Stern never got to make another movie? Oh, man! Where is Buford Pusser now that we really need him? We put up with eight years of Ronald Reagan for this? Bummer.
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - email@example.com