The Stepfather

“The Stepfather” isn’t as well known as “The Godfather” but that’s only because it stars Terry O’Quinn instead of Al Pacino. Who the hell is Terry O’Quinn? I can’t tell Pacino apart from DeNiro and now they’re coming at me with some guy named Terry O’Quinn? They’re trying to kill me with these goddam Movies! Just when I make it through “The Godfather” here comes “The Stepfather”! And now there’s some thing on FX called “Stepbrothers”? No more Cable for me!

“The Stepfather” is about this guy named Jerry. Jerry is a Traditional Family Man Living in the Suburbs with a Wife and Daughter - The kind of Husband and Father we’ve seen on a million TV Shows. Only when things at Home get a little complicated Jerry doesn’t sit around in the Living Room making clever one liners, No - He gets a knife, chops everybody in the House up into little pieces, and gets Married to another Single Mother “Wow! I didn’t know that was allowed!” Shut up, Mike Brady! “A knife? Can I kill my Family with Power Tools?” Get outta here, Tim “Tool Time” Taylor! “He kills em? But does he EAT em? I’d like to kill em and EAT em!” Oh, Ward Cleaver, you crazy guy! But, despite all the killing, Jerry is still an Old Fashioned Family Guy. I mean, an Old Fashioned Family Man. The phrase “Family Guy” has pretty much been ruined. “American Dad” too. And because of “The Cleveland Show” Cleveland, Ohio is now known as Stupid Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Place, Ohio. That stupid Seth McFarlane!

Jerry is played by the mysterious Terry O’Quinn and he is really good. O’Quinn would be a familiar face if you’re the kind of dullard who watches Movies where there ain’t nothing to look at but guy’s faces. Any car crashes, gun fights, or naked women - You won’t remember Terry O’Quinn. The “O” in “O’Quinn” stands for “O, THAT guy!” I made that joke up myself!

Everything would be just fine for Jerry if it wasn’t for Stephanie, his pain in the ass Stepdaughter. Just when Jerry has finished slaughtering his Family and settled in with Stephanie and her Mom this little pill somehow gets it into her meddling head that Jerry is the guy who slaughtered his family and disappeared a year earlier! You think Madonna was a bad influence on these little punks, what about Nancy Drew? Yeah, SO WHAT if Stephanie is right about Jerry being a Mass Murderer? If Jerry wasn’t a bloodthirsty psychopath this would just be some run of the mill Lifetime Movie about a Real Nice Guy whose Daughter is so boring she doesn’t even suspect him of being a bloodthirsty psychopath. Hey, Steph! Jerry is The Star of this Movie! Get outta here with your Molly Ringwald bullshit so we can watch him cut people up with a chainsaw and make Bar B Q out of em! SO WHAT if she catches Jerry ranting and raving to himself in the basement? Show me a Husband and Father who doesn’t go down to the basement for a little ranting and raving and I’ll show you an AM Radio Conservative Talk Show Host. You can build your own Studio down there! Digital Technology is THE BEST!

What can we learn from “The Stepfather”? One, don’t get Married and have kids. Two, don’t kill people. Although if you have just GOT to kill people you’re better off being Single. Ted Bundy didn’t have a Family and he is Bigger Than Bon Jovi! Some schnook named John List killed his Wife and kids and he’s even a bigger nobody than Terry O’Quinn. As a matter of fact “The Stepfather” was based on John List and they couldn’t even be bothered to call it “The John List Story”, “Look Out For List!”, or anything in the least bit List-y! He doesn’t even get a “Creative Consultant” credit! Sucks to be YOU, John List! Does he even have an Agent? Is he on Face Book? What a LOSER!

So, guys - Get “The Stepfather” on DVD and watch it EVERY NIGHT in the Living Room while you drink a fifth of Jack Daniels, sharpen your Machete collection, and yell “YEAH, JERRY! FUCK, YEAH! YOU SHOW EM WHO’S GOT THE BALLS IN THAT HOUSE, BRO!!!”. Let em go to the Little Lady with their dumb ass problems. It was all her stupid idea, anyway.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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