"This is without a doubt the single most FUCKED UP day in the History Of Mankind!!"
I saw "The Signal" when it first came out and immediately recognized it as Acid Logic Motherfucking Masterpiece material. Every e mail I have written to Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis since has included a polite reminder to rent "The Signal" but has received even less of a response than numerous requests for immediate payment for the hundreds of popular articles I have written for Acid Logic over the years. Enough is enough! Having shrewdly manipulated Forbis into expecting a Motherfucking Masterpiece article about some stupid "X Men" Movie, I have blindsided him with this stealth attack article about "The Signal" no doubt leaving him flat on his back in a puddle of his fecculant Forbis fluids. Ha!
"The Signal" was Directed by David Bruckner, Dan Bush, and Jacob Gentry. Why would it take three guys to Direct a Movie? If a sissy like Wes Anderson can Direct a Movie all by himself what kind of weinie needs two other guys to help Direct a Movie? Have you seen Jonathan Demme's last few Movies? Send a couple of kids from NYU Film School over to Demme's house to change his diaper and clean his bed linens - That poor fool is fallin' apart! What good Movie has ever needed three guys to Direct it? "Airplane"? Yeah, sure, but two of those guys were Brothers and the third guy probably spent most of his time sneaking around the Brother's house trying to get a peek at their Sister taking a shower. Is "The Signal" as good as "Airplane"? They're both really funny but before you see "The Signal" on Cable as often as "Airplane" technology will have progressed beyond Cable and Movies will be transmitted directly into your mind against your will. And you think you're sick of "American Pie - Band Camp" now? That is the basic premise of "The Signal" - Something is being broadcast on every Television network, Radio station, and Telephone line which is making people go crazy and start killing each other. Wasn't there an episode of "The Monkees" where something like that happened? Ssshh, I don't want the girls to know what an old geezer I am!
The Movie begins on New Year's Eve as two Lovebirds, Mya (Annessa Ramsey) and Ben (Justin Wellborn) are in bed together for the first time. Mya, unfortunately, is not just Married to another guy, she is Married to a real knucklehead named Lewis (AJ Bowen) and this weird Signal thing is on the TV so when Lewis tries to watch a Baseball game with his Buddies he goes Psycho and kills one of them. His other Buddy (Sahr Ngaujah) is a Nice Black Guy who tries really really hard to be a Hero like a Nice Black Guy in a George Romero Movie but finally loses it when he hears the Signal on the Radio while riding in a Car with Mia. Meanwhile, Lewis beats the crap put of Ben with a Baseball Bat, throws him into the back of his Van, and takes off to find Mya.
Lewis and Ben's confused search for Mya brings them to the Home of a very nice Woman named Anna (Cheri Christian) who is determined to have a very nice New Year's Eve Party despite the fact that Civilization has collapsed and she has been forced to stop blowing up balloons long enough to kill her Husband. The impact of the Signal on this lovely Woman provides the Film's funniest and then most frightening moments. Anna is joined by Clark, her Landlord and the last person to have seen Mya alive. While the other characters in the film are tattooed hardnoses, Clark and Anna are the kind of innocent civilians we immediately expect to see stomped into hamburger when they are trapped in nasty Movies like this and it doesn't take long for them to win our Hearts. Well, I liked them!
Clark is increasingly confused by the Signal but, as a Brainiac Science Geek, he is capable of assessing the problem and developing an explanation for it. But then he commits the most horrific act of violence in the whole Movie and decides to wear a hat made out of tin foil. Anna continues with her New Year's Eve Party but things go bad when Lewis shows up demanding to know where they are hiding Mya, starts hallucinating that Anna is Mya, and instantly kills a neighbor who comes to the door for help. I Swear To God - All of this is hilariously funny and genuinely scarey. Rent it and see it for yourself, Dumb Ass! (Sorry, Folks, that "Dumb Ass" was aimed at Forbis) And, just when you're thinking that "The Signal" couldn't possibly get more transcendant, it presents . . . JIM PARSONS!
If there is but one reason why you must see "The Signal" it is to see Jim Parsons. Played by the Magnificent Chad McKnight, Jim Parsons is more than just a character in a Motion Picture, Jim Parsons is a Living Monument to all that was Good and Decent About America In The Early Twenty First Century. Jim Parson - The Number One Most Essential Mass Media Event Of 2008! I Love You, Jim! (Saleeby goes on about this Jim Parsons guy like that for about five or six pages. What a "Dumb Ass"! - Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor)
Things don't go very well for Jim or Anna, but Clark is promoted from Bumbling Comic Relief to Ben's Devoted Sidekick and the rest of "The Signal" is a thrilling chase to find Mya before Lewis can get to her. Who will win? Eh, you don't give a shit. I bet you don't even know about "The Mighty Boosh"! You suck!
Buckner, Bush, and Gentry are three talented kids who are definitely going places while I just spent my Summer Vacation sitting around pretending I was Mila Kunis' Boyfriend, so screw them. They shot "The Signal" in Atlanta for only fifty thousand dollars. You can make a Movie this good in Atlanta for only fifty thousand dollars? Shit, how much does it cost to rent an apartment and eat pizza once a day in Atlanta? Have people in Georgia gotten over that R.E.M. mess yet? I'll be right over!
"Hey, Forbis! You seen the Spanish Movie 'Quarantine' was based on? You should rent that!"
"Who wants cocktails?"
"Eh . . ."
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org