Stir of Echoes

The usual interpretation of "Stir Of Echoes" is that it's Hero, Tom Witzky, goes crazy because he is hypnotized at a party. WRONG! Am I really the only one who remembers that Poor Tom finds out that his Wife is pregnant right before the party? Could it be that being hypnotized is the only thing that keeps Tom from really going out of his mind? Sure, Tom gets a little weird after the party but I bet that if he hadn't been put under for a few minutes he would have wound up on top of a campus bell tower with a sniper rifle giving coeds a good excuse not to put out for the drunken frat boys. So that's what you should do as soon as you find out that your Wife is pregnant - Get hypnotized. That way when having a pregnant Wife begins to have a debilitating effect on your ability to go through the day without pushing old ladies in front of buses or setting fire to little kid's lemonade stands everyone will just blame it on the hypnotism. In fact, don't wait until your Wife gets pregnant - Get hynotized right before the Wedding or maybe as soon as you realise that you are a heterosexual - Don't take any chances!

It doesn't hurt that Tom is played by Kevin Bacon, such a great actor that his not having ever won an Academy Award can only be explained by his showing at the World Premier of Steven Spielberg's "Schindler's List" in a Gestapo uniform. No, he didn't really do that, but whatever has denied this most beloved of Hollywood actors the kind of acclaim that is deservedly his must be unspeakably bad. I thought "Footloose" was unspeakably bad, but what do I know? Maybe it was Bacon's first movie appearance as that total dick who pledged with the Omegas in "Animal House" that did it? Remember what a douche Bacon was in that movie? Maybe so many millions of filmgoers hated Bacon for being so snide to Flounder and Pinto that they harbor unconscious hostility 0towards Bacon to this very day? Maybe they should be hypnotized! What happened to all the other Omegas since "Animal House"? No, not getting raped in prison and shot by their own troops - I mean what kind of Show Business careers have they had? Is there an "Omega Curse"? Did Kevin Costner play an Omega? I guess Bacon is still most known for "Footloose" where he moves to a new town and is like "What? It's against the law to dance in this town? What? That's crazy?" Have you ever heard of "The Woodsman", the movie where Bacon plays a pedophile? I guess he moves to a new town and is like "What? It's against the law to fuck kids in this town? What? That's crazy?" Why is Joey Greco looking at me like that?

Kevin Bacon is so good in "Stir Of Echoes" it compensates for the unfortunate casting of Kathryn Erbe as Maggie, Tom's Wife. What can I say about that ugly little troll without being insulting? You might be familiar with Erbe from her series "Law And Order: Creepy Actor's Unit" with Vincent D'Oonfrio. In "Stir Of Echoes" Tom has his first hallucinatory glimpses of the girl's murder while having sex with Erbe. Is that D'Onofrio's big crime solving secret on "Law And Order"? They review the evidence, duck into the crime lab, and do a little "investigatin'" until D'Onofrio starts getting visions and starts hollering "The Stepfather! The Stepfather did it! The Stepfather did it! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get offa me you ugly little troll!!". Why couldn't Maggie have been played by that cute little brunette in "Spider Baby"? Oh, she got killed in a car wreck? Well, so what? This movie already has one mummified corpse, why not two? Or Tia Carrere - Did you see how fine she was in "High School High"? Every time I see her in "High School High" I Jack Off Jack.

It also helps that Acid Logic Unappreciated Babe Illeanna Douglas is in "Stir Of Echoes" as Tom's Sister In Law, Maggie's Sister, Martin Scorsese's Ex Wife and is as cute, sexy, and funny as she always is. Gee, what a neat girl! Gosh, I love her! I'd like to hug her and kiss her and squeeze her and love her and hug her and kiss her and . . . What? So what if that's the same stuff I wrote about Lucy Liu in the Motherfucking Masterpiece I wrote about that piece of shit movie she was in with Cedric The Entertainer? Damn!

"Stir Of Echoes" is an adaptation of a novel by Richard Matheson. Half of the Horror and Science Fiction Movies in the History of Hollywood were based on novels by Richard Matheson but when you go to the bookstore to pick up one of those novels the employees just look at you like you asked them for corned beef and cabbage. Where are all the Richard Matheson novels? Where? Where!?! Don't tell me I can find them on the internet. You can find my book on the internet and if nobody bought my book on the internet I ain't gonna buy no friggin' Richard Matheson books on the internet! "I Am Legend"? Well, I am fed up! But Matheson should get all the credit for "Stir Echoes" because it was written and directed by David Koepp who wrote "Jurassic Park", "Mission Impossible", "War Of The Worlds", "Spider Man", and pretty anything else you will give him a shitload of money for. I could do that kind of garbage but I've got too much class. Spielberg called me up and asked me to write "Jurassic Park" and I said "Blow me, Hack Boy, I'm too busy writing an Interesting Motherfuckers about Shemp Howard for Acid Logic!" and hung up before he could start begging. Koepp is mostly known for the four million dollar paycheck he got for the "Panic Room" script. It was originally going to be "Panic House" but after they blew so much money on the script they had to scale it back to "Panic Room."

But The Best Thing About "Stir Of Echoes" is Tom Witzky, A Genuinely Great Movie Hero that John Ford and Howard Hawks would have recognized - Here Is A Man who knows the difference between Right and Wrong and refuses to pretend otherwise. You jerks can follow your Travis Bickle Straight To Hell, I'm ridin' with Tom Witzy! "Stir Of Echoes", Motherfuckers, "Stir Of Fuckin' Echoes"!

DIG.

Oh, by the way, Forbis - When are you gonna run that Motherfucking Masterpiece about that piece of shit movie Lucy Lui was in with Cedric The Entertainer? Quit screwin' around!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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