So Alone by Johnny Thunders

"Hey, man!" you say, buttoning up your flannel shirt so I can't see that you're wearing a Bob Seger T-Shirt "I know about Johnny Thunders! Uh . . . He was a junkie and . . . Uh . . . He was in a band and . . . He was a junkie . . . And . . . Uh . . . He died!" Thank You, Rolling Stone Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame! All that you know about Johnny Thunders is he was a junkie and he died but you've got the name of Steven Tyler's House Cat Tattooed on your butt in Red, White, and Blue. And here I am, two paragraphs into the article and you STILL haven't bought "So Alone" yet! I don't know why I hang around with you guys!

Here are a few Biographical Facts about Johnny Thunders. Don't Worry, there will not be a Test at The End - You have already FAILED! Johnny Thunders played Lead Guitar in The New York Dolls, The Best Band In Rock And Roll History. Don't say anything or I will slap the shit out of you. The New York Dolls were also the first Punk Band. What did you say? The Stooges? (Saleeby's Hand comes out of the Reader's Screen and slaps the shit out of him) The Stooges? Iggy is Great but listening to The Stooges is like seeing Jack Klugman in Movies before he was Oscar in "The Odd Couple". Come back once you've got it figured out, kid! Nirvana? Don't make me stick my Shotgun through that screen, man, I will send you to Hell with Kurt Cobain. Yeah, Johnny Thunders might be down there but at least he's still got a head. Johnny made two Albums with The Dolls and then one Album with The Heartbreakers, the band he started after he quit The Dolls. That's why I told you about the two Albums he made with The Dolls before I told you about the one Album he made with The Heartbreakers - Because the two Dolls Albums were before the one Album he made with The Heartbreakers. I am stating the obvious here because I am talking to people so STUPID they didn't buy Johnny's Solo Album "So Alone" when it came out THIRTY SIX YEARS AGO in 1978. If I was Writing a complete book about Johnny Thunders here instead of just an article about one of his Records I might have room to tell you how to brush your teeth or explain what a dick's for.

"So Alone" was Recorded in London at the Height of Seventies Punk. Oh, Hell - "So Alone" IS the Height of Seventies Punk! There aren't any British people in here, right? Some seriously Cool people are on "So Alone" with Johnny - Steve Jones and Paul Cook from The Sex Pistols, Chrissie Hynde from The Pretenders, guys from The Only Ones . . . Aw, crap. If I'm gonna get you Philistines to turn off that damn Pink Floyd long enough to get into "So Alone" I'll have to tell you that Joe Walsh and Glenn Frey from The Eagles, Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac, and the guys from The Electric Light Orchestra . . . I feel sick. HEY! PHIL LYNOTT PLAYS BASS AND SINGS ON "SO ALONE"!!! I'm serious! The Thin Lizzy guy! THIN LIZZY!!! You know . . . the guy from "The Boys Are Back In Town"! "If that chick don't wanna go, forget her!" "Saturday Night they'll be dressed to kill down at Dino's Bar And Grill!" "Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims and strap your hands cross my engines!" Yeah! That guy! Who were The Only Ones? Good Question, Horshack! The Only Ones were a British Band with tons of great Songs like "The Whole Of The Law" which I enjoyed crooning in the back seat of the car on long drives to terrorize my Mom and my Sister "I used to have the nooooootion I could swim the length of the oooooooooooocean if you were on the ooooooooother side waaaaaaaiting for meeee . . ." "SHUT UP!!!" "But, Ma - It's The Only Ones!" "Thank Gawd it's da Only Ones, if there was more I'd go NUTS!!!" "HAW HAW! Good one, Ma!" Sis just sat there.

"So Alone" proves that Johnny Thunders wasn't just a great Guitar Player, he was also a really good Singer! He could have been the Lead Singer of The Dolls but then they wouldn't have had anything for David Johanson, The Funniest Man In The World, to do. If Johanson hadn't been such a great Singer The Dolls would still have given him a job telling jokes and making crazy faces "And now, before Johnny Thunders and The New York Dolls come out to play, David Johanson is gonna come out and tell jokes and make crazy faces for a few minutes - DAVID JOHNANSON!!!!" And then what woulda happened to Freddie Prinze? But Johnny didn't need so Singers! It wasn't his drug addiction that was always getting him in trouble, it was his courageous refusal to suck up to them Singing egomaniacs "Rod Stewart? Who needs ya? Not me! Drop dead! Robert Plant? Why ya always gotta make such a racket? You get on my nerves! Get me a beer, awready! Oh, shit - Roger Daltry? I hear they're havin' auditions for supporting roles on TV Sit Coms in LA! Whattya doin' here?!? You STINK!!! Ozzy, John Saleeby don't care about ya now but he'll finally catch on to how good you are around 2012 or 2013 - Hang in there, Lard Ass! And now, before I get thrown outta here, David Johanson - The Funniest Man In The World - is gonna get up and tell jokes and make crazy faces for a few minutes - DAVID JO!!!" "Thank you, Johnny! Hey, it's really great to be here . . . " "Uh, hold on, David, I wanna holler at that John Cougar asshole a little bit." "Knock yourself out, Johnny!"

So check out "So Alone" and even a dope like you will have a great time. Eh, maybe I'm being too hard on you poor dumb bastards. Hey, I never knew how good Ozzy is until about a year ago! If only Ozzy had teamed up with Thunders instead of that poor Randy Rhoades kid "I ain't goin' up in dat crate! I'll be in da bus wit' dat nice Rudy Sarzo guy!" Sorry, Johnny Thunders Fans, that was a little Ozzy Humor for the Squares.

The Thunders Fans shrug, light cigarettes . . . Just like Old Times . . .

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

Dude, partake of some other Motherfucking Masterpieces! Iggy Pop's "Party" by John Saleeby With the arrival of the 80's, Iggy Pop turned to one man to resurrect his career: Ivan Kral! Heavy Metal by Wil Forbis This animated film from the 80's had more naked alien chicks than you could shake a phallicized laser pistol at. Scanners by Johnny Apocalypse Was Scanners a parable about out of control corporations or just an excuse to show exploding heads? Repo Man by Wil Forbis Packed with dead aliens, punk rock angst and Harry Dean Stanton in the role of his career, Alex Cox's cinematic masterpiece defined the term "cult film." RoboCop by John Saleeby Peter Weller shines as the clanking crimefighter in need of axel grease. Falling Down by Wil Forbis The final defense of the angry white male. Office Space by Wil Forbis Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead, satirizes the modern deskjob. Mr. Bungle by Wil Forbis The maniacal album that inspired tens, even dozens of musicians to become agro/metal/funk fanatics. Remember the clowns! Body Count by Cody Wayne Ice-T's hardcore metal group, famous for their ode to cop killin', get their due. John Carpenter's "The Thing" by Cody Wayne John Carpenter redefined the horror genre with his study of arctic isolation and shape shifting aliens. And here's more!