Petey Wheatstraw, The Devil's Son In Law

"Petey Wheatstraw, The Devil's Son In Law" is a life changing experience. Before I saw this movie I was an eight year old Norwegian child peddling pickled herring in some ass backward fjord - And just look at me now! (Results May Vary)

"Petey Wheatstraw" is a Dolemite movie and now that I have seen it and "Disco Godfather" I want to see all the other Dolemite movies. Yeah, I've only seen two Dolemite movies - I'm a white guy, between listening to The Beach Boys, reading Dostoyevsky, and selling "The Turner Diaries" at gun shows I don't have a lot of time for Dolemite movies. And two Dolemite movies are more Dolemite movies than most other white people have seen. I bet you've never even heard of Dolemite movies. I bet you've had no idea what I've been talking about this whole time, lost interest, and went to Google to try and find naked pictures of that Rhianna chick. And who can blame you? That girl is a piece!

Dolemite movies are Rudy Ray Moore movies and all I have to say to Mister Rudy Ray Moore is "Blessed be the womb that bore thee and the paps that give thee suck - Especially the paps!"

"What the fuck?"

I got that from Dostoyevsky.

"Dostoywhatsky? Is that the white man word for methamphetemine? You white people better leave that shit alone!"

Good thing I didn't quote from "The Turner Diaries"!

"Don't make fun of Ike Turner! He's dead!"

No, "The Turner Diaries" are . . . Yeah, they're Ike Turner's diaries. Yeah.

Rudy Ray Moore is a Comedy Legend. "The King Of The Party Records", the Comedian so Out Of Control he had to produce and distribute his own records and movies to reach his audience. Years before white people couldn't talk about albums and films without using the word "Independant" forty times in a sentence Rudy Ray Moore was DIYing all over the goddam place without  going to no silly ass Robert Redford Film Festival even once. Well, maybe Moore went to Sundance once but I bet some damn fool like Harvey Weinstein thought he was a Waiter, told him to go fetch a a cheeseburger, and Rudy shoved a coupla reels of some no good Kevin Smith movie up Weinstein's fat ass. Rudy Ray Moore don't need that shit!  I don't have the space to go into the Life of Rudy Ray Moore here, then this would be an Interesting Motherfucker article instead of a Motherfucking Masterpiece and if you think that's too much cursing the less you know about Rudy Ray Moore the better.

What I love about Rudy Ray Moore is how lighthearted he always is - He's a FUN GUY! "Petey Wheatstraw" has a spooky cemetary scene in which a wino falls into an open grave so everybody thinks he is a dead body come back to life and Petey can hop right over to gleefully kick a little dirt on the guy. Cause that's what you do when The Dead Come Back To Life - Kick dirt on ‘em for a few quick laughs! Too bad Rudy Ray Moore wasn't the Heroic Black Guy in "Night Of The Living Dead". He would have -

A FEW WORDS FROM ACID LOGIC EDITOR WIL FORBIS -

Oh, yes - Another "Night Of The Living Dead" digression from John Saleeby. Has there ever been an Acid Logic article from this goon without two or three paragraphs about that movie? I fear we'll just have to excuse Saleeby on this, he was exposed to "Night Of The Living Dead" at an early age and will never get over it. But at least he isn't drooling and slobbering at us about that skanky Bai Ling all the time anymore. And what's with this Dostoyevsky shit? What a homo! (A bunch of zombies break into Forbis' house and eat him)

- should have shown Barbara's Brother eating her titties! Mmm mmm mmm!

I don't want to get into the plot of "Petey Wheatstraw" cause it's so small I'll get stuck and when I yell for help Rudy Ray Moore will just run over and kick dirt on me. Let's just say that Petey Wheatstraw is a stand up comedian that gets tricked into marrying The Devil's Daughter and emphasize that at one point Petey finds a bomb inside a nightclub restroom, throws it outside, and blows up a pick up truck full of watermelon. (Lotta watermelon in this movie. The Opening Scene presents Petey's Birth in Full On "I Don't No Nothin' 'Bout Birthin' No Babies!" Mode and a watermelon is pulled out of Missus Wheatstraw right before Petey. It might explain a few things it was connected to the Poor Woman by an umbilical chord) Yes, Cinema Enthusiasts, "Petey Wheatstraw" - The Film That Presents A Pick Up Truck Full Of Watermelon Getting Blown Up By A Bomb - IN SLOW MOTION! ( Unfortunately, the people in the movie just seem kind of dismayed by this. Why all this Realism all of a sudden? Wouldn't it be funnier if everybody was overcome with Joy, dancing around in Ecstasy as watermelon rains down on the Ghetto from Above? Cause, you know - They're black people . . . and . . . it's raining watermelon and . . . What are you looking at me like that for? Uh . . . I'll be outside. I have to go do something) Hey, Sam Peckinpah! To Hell with Warren Oates getting shot up by Mexicans in slow motion, if you was really down with the Sisters you'd have made a movie with pick up trucks full of watermelon getting blown up in slow motion! Damn! Now THAT would have been a movie! That cocaine messed you up!

Yeah, Petey finds a bomb in a nightclub. Boy, I thought Stand Up Comedy was a Dog Eat Dog game when I was performing in those smelly Greenwich Village Folk Clubs in the Eighties. Petey Wheatstraw has to deal with people getting shot for putting up gig fliers, machine gun mass murder - If I had known those tactics were allowed Jon Stewart and Dave Attel never would have had a chance! If only I'd read "The Turner Diaries" twenty years earlier!

"Hey, John! Jim Gaffigan is auditioning at The Comedy Cellar tonight!"

"Yeah? Remember that Magic Staff Rudy Ray Moore used to find a bomb in the nightclub restroom in 'Petey Wheatstraw'?"

"Yeah?"

"Does Jim Gaffigan have one of those?"

"No."

"Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

"You're supposed to rub your hands together when you do the 'Bwa ha ha ha!' thing."

"But I'm eating a pickled herring."

But enough about the violence - What about  the Fine Black Women? "Petey Wheatstraw" comes through for those who find getting off on White Women  to be as impossible as getting drunk on beer with Ebony Wright, a girl so Hot they named the entire category of Black Porn after her. If she had been named Thelma you'd go to an internet porn site and see all the categories like "Teen, Asian, Mature, Thelma, Lesbian . . . " and think nothing of it. Whatever happened to Ebony? I hope she is allwright.

Probably the best scene in this wonderful movie has Petey being attacked by a gang of assassins (I wonder if that's ever happened to Patton Oswalt?) right in the middle of a romantic scene with My Girl Ebony so he has to beat the hell out of everybody in his lime green underwear (Petey's wardrobe is really something but what is this, Bravo?). I haven't been so freaked out since I saw two cats do it Doggy Style! Is that scene in "Eastern Promises" where Viggo beats up those guys  bare ass naked an attempt to top this sequence? I guess Viggo (If Forbis was writing this that would have been "I guess The Viggster . . . ") doesn't know about that "Angel Of Destruction" movie where a Super Stripper beat up a whole bunch of guys naked.

"But . . . But . . . I had TATTOOS!!"

"Oh, get outta here, Amy Winehouse!"

"Petey Wheatstraw" is the the most fun you'll ever have with a DVD without sharpening the edges so it cuts people's throats open when you throw em like a frisbee. What else are Steve Martin movies any good for these days?

And don't forget -

"Frankie and Johnny were lovers! Oh, Lordy! How did they love! Frankie and Johnny were lovers! Oh, Lordy! How did they love! Frankie and Johnny were lovers! Oh, Lordy! How did they love! Frankie and Johnny were -"

If you've seen "Petey Wheatstraw, The Devil's Son In Law" you are laughing your ass off right now. If not - YOU SUCK!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

Dude, partake of some other Motherfucking Masterpieces! Iggy Pop's "Party" by John Saleeby With the arrival of the 80's, Iggy Pop turned to one man to resurrect his career: Ivan Kral! Heavy Metal by Wil Forbis This animated film from the 80's had more naked alien chicks than you could shake a phallicized laser pistol at. Scanners by Johnny Apocalypse Was Scanners a parable about out of control corporations or just an excuse to show exploding heads? Repo Man by Wil Forbis Packed with dead aliens, punk rock angst and Harry Dean Stanton in the role of his career, Alex Cox's cinematic masterpiece defined the term "cult film." RoboCop by John Saleeby Peter Weller shines as the clanking crimefighter in need of axel grease. Falling Down by Wil Forbis The final defense of the angry white male. Office Space by Wil Forbis Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead, satirizes the modern deskjob. Mr. Bungle by Wil Forbis The maniacal album that inspired tens, even dozens of musicians to become agro/metal/funk fanatics. Remember the clowns! Body Count by Cody Wayne Ice-T's hardcore metal group, famous for their ode to cop killin', get their due. John Carpenter's "The Thing" by Cody Wayne John Carpenter redefined the horror genre with his study of arctic isolation and shape shifting aliens. And here's more!