My Friend Dahmer

“ . . . Where were the damn Adults?”

We all know about Jeff Dahmer. We don’t really have to go into all that, do we? Don’t know about Jeff Dahmer? Google him real quick and then come back and read this. Eh, you won’t want to read this after you Google Jeff Dahmer. You won’t want to do anything. Don’t Google him. Don’t read this. Don’t read “My Friend Dahmer”. Don’t know about Jeff Dahmer? GOOD FOR YOU! Go to a Boy Scout Jamboree or whatever Nice People like you do. Get outta here!! Get outta here before someone strangles you, has sex with your dead body, and eats a few parts of you! Yeah, the Dahmer Jokes! Woo Hoo! What a Funny Guy! Yeah, let’s get that out of the way. I’m tired of that shit. Hey, it’s still a lot funnier than Donald Trump Jokes! Let’s start all over again . . .

We all know about Jeff Dahmer. But do you know about Derf Backderf? Derf Backderf is a Cartoonist who went to High School with Jeff Dahmer. Backderf? You’d think that after going through High School with a name like that he would have been the one to turn out to be a Serial Killer. But, no, Jeff Dammer was the one who turned out to be a Serial Killer and Derf Backderf turned out “My Friend Dahmer”, a genuinely disturbing Graphic Novel about finding out that the Weird Kid you goofed around with during your Adolescence grew up into an Alcoholic Necrophiliac Cannibal. And a Homosexual. I’m not sure where “Homosexual” would go into all those other words. I don’t want to get into trouble!

Far as Cartooning goes, Backderf’s Work in “My Friend Dahmer” is excellent considering his hands must have been shaking so much he probably couldn’t put a Fork full of Scrambled Eggs into his Mouth without stabbing himself in the Eye. The Artwork in “My Friend Dahmer” is so lifelike I’m sure that when Backderf draws a picture of a Bowl Of Fruit it looks just like a Bowl Of Fruit. Hey, Derf! Do a Graphic Novel about a Bowl Of Fruit! You deserve a break!

There’s a lot of stuff in “My Friend Dahmer” that I’m not going into here. You can read about it yourself while I’m sitting around feeling like crap and wishing that I had never read “My Friend Dahmer”. For me the biggest revelation in the Book is Dahmer’s Brilliant Career as a High School Class Clown. Every High School has it’s Headliner Cut Up but this kid Dahmer was a regular Jeffcat Goldthwait! You know, like Bobcat Goldthwait? Only his name was Jeff? Danny Pughley, The Funniest Kid At The Local High School, made that one up. At least he says he’s The Funniest Kid In That Stupid School. Get outta here, Danny! You SUCK! But Dahmer was The King Of Comedy back in Revere High School where Our Man Backderf was a Founding Member of The Dahmer Fan Club, a group of Teen Nerds who admired Dahmer’s penchant for breaking into Epileptic Fits and Howling Spazz Attacks in the middle of the School Library, Cafeteria, and Hallways. Dahmer’s Breakdowns were real Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon Slapstick and it is tragic that he could not channel that energy into a Professional Comedy Career. Thank God Jerry Lewis was able to make it in Show Biz! Imagine the Global Holocaust that would have been inflicted on Humanity if “The Nutty Professor” and “The Big Mouth” had never been possible! The Dahmer Fan Club later evolved into The Acme Ash Company, a Sketch Comedy Group in which Backderf performed while dressed up as Adolf Hitler (At the urging of The Acme Ash Company’s Attorney I must mention that Jeff Dahmer was never a member of the Team). One of the most striking images in “My Friend Dahmer” is Backderf as Hitler taking a drink out of a Water Fountain as Dahmer strolls by with a cheerful “Greetings, Mein Fuhrer!” Why can’t Life always be like that?

Everytime some guy kills a bunch of People his Neighbors and Co Workers always say something like “He was a Nice Guy. He was quiet.” That’s because if they said “He was NUTS!! Used to rub Peanut Butter all over his face, climb up on the roof, and scream at Satan all day” we’d know they don’t care about him killing all those People any more than they cared about him up there Shouting at the Devil with a Peanut Butter Sandwich for a Head. Nobody cares! When Jeff Dahmer was finally revealed to be a Mass Murderer a Revere Faculty Member told the Press ”I can’t say that there were any signs that he was different or strange.” Is that Shitcake collecting a Government Pension? And I thought MY High School was run by Morons! There weren’t any SIGNS? By Dahmer’s Senior Year the only way the poor bastard could shut down the “Gee, wouldn’t it be nice to kill a guy, do all kinds of stuff to his cold dead ass, maybe cook one of his arms . . . Mmmm!” Voices in his head was to consume large amounts of Alcohol. The kid was staggering around in front of everybody bombed out of his skull All Day Every Day and every single Boy and Girl attending Revere knew it. Revere? If Paul Revere had been there he would have been riding his Horse up and down the Hallways yelling “JEFF DAHMER IS DRINKING!!! JEFF DAHMER IS DRINKING!!!” Danny came up with that! Way To Go, Danny! Dahmer could have been injecting Heroin into the Throbbing Vein On The Side Of His Head while Singing Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “That Smell” and sitting on the Principal’s desk and nobody would have cared. Nobody gives a shit. If anybody cared about Jeff Dahmer and all the other kids in that goddam School all the People he killed might still be alive and . . . What difference would that make? Nobody cares about those People. You’re so horrified by Jeff Dahmer - QUICK! Name just one of his Victims! Just ONE! ONE! Just a first name? A couple of initials? Huh? Huh? That’s how much you care. How many People did Dahmer kill? Four? Eight? Thirty two? What City did Dahmer commit his crimes in? Huh? Huh? Nobody cares! But - What Actor Played Jeff Dahmer in the Movie they made about him? “Oh! Jeremy Renner!” “The ‘Mission Impossible’ guy!” “He was the Bad Guy in ‘SWAT’!” “And ‘Twenty Four Weeks Later’! He was in ‘Twenty Four Weeks Later’!” YOU ASSHOLES!!! Still can’t name one of his Victims? Well, my Name is John Saleeby and I Care so much I know what your Name is - Your Name is Dogfart O’ Assfuck! Thanks for Reading this, Dogfart!

Read “My Friend Dahmer” and get really PISSED OFF.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

Dude, partake of some other Motherfucking Masterpieces! Iggy Pop's "Party" by John Saleeby With the arrival of the 80's, Iggy Pop turned to one man to resurrect his career: Ivan Kral! Heavy Metal by Wil Forbis This animated film from the 80's had more naked alien chicks than you could shake a phallicized laser pistol at. Scanners by Johnny Apocalypse Was Scanners a parable about out of control corporations or just an excuse to show exploding heads? Repo Man by Wil Forbis Packed with dead aliens, punk rock angst and Harry Dean Stanton in the role of his career, Alex Cox's cinematic masterpiece defined the term "cult film." RoboCop by John Saleeby Peter Weller shines as the clanking crimefighter in need of axel grease. Falling Down by Wil Forbis The final defense of the angry white male. Office Space by Wil Forbis Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead, satirizes the modern deskjob. Mr. Bungle by Wil Forbis The maniacal album that inspired tens, even dozens of musicians to become agro/metal/funk fanatics. Remember the clowns! Body Count by Cody Wayne Ice-T's hardcore metal group, famous for their ode to cop killin', get their due. John Carpenter's "The Thing" by Cody Wayne John Carpenter redefined the horror genre with his study of arctic isolation and shape shifting aliens. And here's more!