Messiah of Evil

In “Messiah Of Evil” a beautiful woman (Marianna Hill) travels to the small California Town where her Father Lives because he has been sending disturbing letters about how he has been Possessed by the Evil Spirit which haunts the Town and become a Cannibal Zombie wandering the streets all day and waiting on the beach with the other local Undead all night for the Messiah Of Evil to rise up from the Sea. I do not think she has bothered to pack a Swim Suit. Sounds to me like she figures Dad is in on one Hell of a good Horror Movie and decided “Hey, the guy who Writes for Acid Logic thinks I’m beautiful, I’m gonna get in on some of that ‘Messiah Of Evil’ action myself!” But things never go as planned in these crazy Movies and before long she is under the Spell of that Evil Spirit and puking up bugs, worms, and lizards. Don’t worry, Baby, the guy who Writes for Acid Logic still thinks you’re beautiful. I’m just not going to bring you around my Friends. They’ll make fun of me. Ain’t it bad enough I Write for Acid Logic?

She can’t find Dad but there are plenty of other people in Town for her to bum out with her morose shit until the Acid Logic guy can show up to take her to Juarez and sell into White Slavery. Hey! It’s Thom, a Mysterious Aristocrat who always wears the same White Suit (Thom made a big impression on Steve Martin when he was first putting his Stand Up Act together. Did Thom play Banjo in the original Cut of “Messiah Of Evil”? Did he make Balloon Animals and wear a Fake Arrow through his head?) and wastes no Time getting all Smooth and Seductive on Miss Mopey with the help of his Traveling Companions Toni and Laura. These are some Serious Babes. Toni is played by the adorable Joy Bang. She’s cute but Laura is played by Anita Ford and “cute” don’t cut it when you’re up against Anita Ford. You have never seen Anita Ford? That might explain why your testicles are so domesticated you are paying attention to Taylor Swift. Anita Ford was the White Chick in “The Big Birdcage” that kept things moving whenever Pam Grier was offscreen and if those two had been in a few more scenes together everybody in Iran would have been Singing “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy!!” thirty years ago. Anita was also one of the Models on “The Price Is Right” and -

“Excuse me! You forgot about me! I didn’t put on this White Suit for NOTHING, did I?”

“Eh . . .“

Thom is played by Michael Greer who not only has two gorgeous girlfriends in “Messiah Of Evil” but also has two gorgeous girlfriends in “The Magic Garden Of Stanley Sweetheart”! Way To Go, My Man Michael Greer! Too bad in that Stanley Sweetheart thing his two gorgeous girlfriends dump him for Don Johnson and in “Messiah Of Evil” his two gorgeous girlfriends are devoured by Cannibal Zombies. Wait a minute! In “Fortune In Men’s Eyes” Michael Greer plays a Drag Queen Prison Inmate and in “The Gay Deceivers” he . . . Is it too late for me to take back that “My Man, Michael Greer!”? Should I holler about Anita Ford for another five or six paragraphs? Watch me do fifty Push Ups!

No discussion of “Messiah Of Evil” would be complete without mention of the Cross Eyed Albino Zombie. He may not be The Messiah Of Evil but he sure is The Messiah Of Good Clean Cross Eyed Albino Zombie Fun! How can you not like a Cross Eyed Albino Zombie who eats rats, listens to Wagner, and drives around in a Truck full of Dead People? “That Cross Eyed Albino Zombie RULES!!!” - Hare Krishna Zombie in the original “Dawn Of The Dead”

Oh, yeah, Dad finally shows up and what a Pity Party that turns out to be. He smears Blue Paint on his face, yells “I HAVE TASTED HUMAN FLESH!!!”, and gets set on fire. Dude, we have already seen the Cross Eyed Albino Zombie eat rats, listen to Wagner, and drive a Truck full of Dead People, you gotta do more than paint your face, eat a little bit of somebody, and run around like Richard Pryor to steal this Show! And what kind of Zombie keeps a JOURNAL, for God’s sake? The Hare Krisha Zombie won’t give this jerk the Time Of Day “SCRAM!!!”

Of course, the Best Scenes in “Messiah Of Evil” are when Laura gets eaten by Zombies in a Supermarket and when Toni gets eaten by Zombies in a Movie Theater. What the Hell, if we don’t get to watch those two make out in 3D Cinemascope we might as well watch them get eaten by Zombies in everyday ordinary settings. Laura’s Supermarket Scene is probably more upsetting because she sees a bunch of Zombies in the Butcher Department eating raw meat but in Toni’s Movie Theater Scene she has to sit through the Trailer to a Western Movie Starring Sammy Davis Junior! Yeah, “Messiah Of Evil” - Bugs, Worms, Lizards, People Eating Raw Meat, and The Trailer to a Western Movie Starring Sammy Davis Junior!

“You said something about Don Johnson. That was another Movie, right”

“Oh, yeah! Bugs, Worms, Lizards, People Eating Raw Meat, The Trailer to a Western Movie Starring Sammy Davis Junior, and Don Johnson would be too fucked up!”

“Yeah.”

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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