Kung Fury

If your Life sucks see “Kung Fury” and you will feel a whole lot better. If you have already seen “Kung Fury” and your Life still sucks, I dunno, try listening to some old Beach Boys records or something. I just don’t want you to commit suicide until you finish reading this article. I’d better leave out the jokes I wrote about the girl you had a crush on in High School dying in a fire. On Christmas Eve. Oh, am I being an asshole? I can’t help it! “Kung Fury” is so funny it makes me COMPETITIVE!!! Hold on a second, I’m gonna put on my crazy Frankenstein mask and walk around with my cock out. Good thing nobody in “Kung Fury” walks around with their cock out or I’d have to whip out my Colostomy Bag! I’m saving that for when we do an article about “The Munsters”. If that nutty Fred Gwynne was packing a Colostomy Bag I’ll have to start doing stuff with hungry rats and dead Iraqi kids.

“Kung Fury”, the Action Packed Tale of a Humble Street Cop who gets Hit By Lightning and Bitten By A Cobra at the same time and is Magically Transformed into KUNG FURY, Martial Arts Master, Crime Fighter, and Star of a really funny Comedy Movie some crazy Swedish guy named David Sandberg Wrote, Directed, Produced, and Starred in. 

“Kung Fury” isn’t about very much but if you have just got to be a dick it is about Traveling Back In Time To Kill Hitler. How come the only use anybody has for Time Travel is Hitler Killing? Yeah, Hitler was (Or “is”, if you have succeeded in traveling into the Past. Say “Hi!” to Buster Keaton for me!) a real pain but there are a lot of other things in the Past that would be Positive Pastime Activities. Like encouraging Buster Keaton to slow down with the booze. Try to do a better job with that than I did. I traveled back in Time to the Twenties and the closest I got to keeping Buster Keaton away from the sauce was getting Prohibition declared. Guess I shoulda went for Hitler, huh? At least I got to make it with Lillian Gish. But anyway, Hitler goes into the Past to get Hitler and it’s Great because Hitler in “Kung Fury” is The Funniest Hitler In Comedy History. Hitler has gotten to be so big in Comedy he is probably more of a Beloved Comedy Star by now than Buster Keaton. And don’t forget, the Hero of Keaton’s “The General” is a Southerner during the Civil War so Keaton is more hated by Comedy Fans of Today than Hitler. I’d better stop talking about Buster Keaton before I get in trouble, huh? 

But Hitler is always good for a laugh and you will never find a Hitler that delivers more Big Yuks than Hitler in “Kung Fury”. Hitler in Jerry Lewis’ “Which Way To The Front?” is really funny although he isn’t played by Jerry Lewis. Is Hitler in that Movie played by Dean Martin? Hhhhmmm . . . That could another good Time Travel Project - Get Jerry Lewis to hire Dean Martin to play Hitler in “Which Way To The Front?”. Boy, don’t get me started on “Which way To The Front”! 

In “Kung Fury” we see Hitler in this huge Nuremberg place (Everything is big in Nuremberg. In the Men’s Room you need a Golf Cart to get from the Urinal to the Sink. A Golf Cart with a Swastika on it - JUST LIKE AT MITT ROMNEY’S COUNTRY CLUB!!! HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!) addressing his Army Of Death and making even more weird arm gestures than Hitler did in Real Life. Hitler saw “Kung Fury” and said “Did I make arm gestures like that? I don’t remember making those arm gestures! Are they making fun of me? Hey, Dean Martin was making fun of me in ‘Which Way To The Sink?’ , wasn’t he? Fuck!” Hitler is into Martial arts in “Kung Fury” so WATCH OUT, NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN!!! Man, if Hitler had some Nunchucks* there wouldn’t have been anything left to Poland but a big empty space between Germany and Russia. That might have saved a lot of problems. Let’s do the same thing to Ohio. I’m tired of hearing people talk about Ohio every time we elect a President. Maybe if we elect somebody in Ohio President they’ll shut the fuck up. Why am I waving my arms around like this?

But there’s more to “Kung Fury” than Hitler. Stalin? WHOA! What do you think this is? Carrot Top in Vegas? No, “Kung Fury” actually goes back in Time to The Age Of The Vikings! No, wait, there are Dinosaurs there, too. Yeah, “Kung Fury” goes back in Time to The Age Of The Dinosaurs! Yeah, we know that there were some Mammals running around in The Age Of The Dinosaurs, I guess they were Viking Mammals. They just didn’t have Ships yet. Have you seen The History Channel lately? They’ll go for a Show about how there were Vikings in The Age Of The Dinosaurs, get em on the Phone. The Phone? Hell, The History Channel is so messed up they’ll go for a Show about how the Dinosaurs had Phones. The History Channel is so messed up they’re running “Kung Fury” as a Documentary. But The Vikings in “Kung Fury” are Cool Vikings because not only do they have Dinosaurs but they are Sexy Cute Hot Chick Vikings! None of that Violent Drunk Noisy Dude Viking bullshit with Tony Curtis’ Falcon tearing Kurt Douglas’ Eye out, I’m talking about that Movie “The Vikings”. You ever saw that? It’s probably on The History Channel a lot. No, in “Kung Fury” the Vikings are Sexy Cute Hot Chick Vikings like Janet Leigh in “The Vikings”. You know, Janet Leigh, the chick who got stabbed to death in the Shower in “Psycho”. Turn on The History Channel, “Psycho” is on right now! They’re gonna show “The Birds” next.

Seriously, watch “Kung Fury” and you will have a Great Time. But don’t try to Write an article about it the same Week your Car breaks down on the Interstate and you miss three days of Work. The article probably won’t turn out to be very good.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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