The Glory Stompers

“The Glory Stompers” (1967) is the best Dennis Hopper Movie. Yeah, I know about “Apocalypse Now” and “Blue Velvet” but after all the Time I wasted pretending to like “Apocalypse Now” I could give a shit about “Blue Velvet”. A shit? I call “Blue Velvet” “Brown Velvet”! Ha Ha Ha! It’s an Acid Logic article by John Saleeby! Yay! And “The Glory Stompers” is the first Dennis Hopper Biker Movie! It’s about a Biker Gang called The Glory Stompers and another Gang called The Black Souls. But they couldn’t call it “The Glory Stompers And The Black Souls” because then John Saleeby would make a shitty Joke about “The Glory Stompers And The Brown Souls”. “Ha Ha Ha! Acid Logic articles by John Saleeby BLOW MY MIND!!!” - Dennis Hopper

I like Dennis Hopper in earlier Movies before he freaked out like “Giant”. He’s all Well Groomed and Polite until - “CUT!” “Hey, man, this Movie is lame, man! I heard about this Movie with Rock Hudson called ‘Giant’ and I thought My Man Rock was gonna play this Big Tall Jack And The Beanstalk Motherfucker, man! Fee Fi Fo Fum, man! Ha Ha Ha! Dig it, man, let’s shoot Rock stompin’ all over some little toy houses and takin’ a whiz on some model trains! Choo Choo! Pee Pee! Wow! What? I’m fired? Hey, man, I thought you guys were Cool!”

Any Dennis Hopper Movie is cause for Heavy Sedation but “The Glory Stompers” is really mind wrenching because Casey Kasem of “America’s Top Forty” and “Scooby Doo, Where Are You?” is in it as a member of the Black Souls who might maybe kinda sorta seems to be GAY! WHOA! A Sexy Ambiguous Biker Gang Member Played by Casey Kasem!?! Did Casey Kasem ever go to a Costume Party as that big scary Biker in “The Road Warrior” with the Mohawk and Assless Chaps*? Look that up in Wikipedia while I find a hat to cover up my Mohawk! 

At the beginning of the Movie the Black Souls crash a Glory Stompers party and Casey Kasem looks Pony, the  most Well Groomed and Polite of the Stompers, right in the eye and silently mouths “I LOVE YOU!” Pony is so freaked by this he misses the next half hour of the Movie to go get Married to his Girlfriend Doreen. Dennis Hopper - as Chino, the Leader of the Black Souls - goes into the party, takes one look at a beautiful blonde chick named Chris (Chris Noel), and goes completely out of his mind. No, wait - He’s Dennis Hopper, he’s already out of his mind. Nah, he’s just in Love. Too bad Chris already has a Stomper Boyfriend named Daryl (Jody MacCrea) and Chino already has a Girlfriend named . . . What is this? “Dawson’s Creek”? The Black Souls get booted out of the party while Daryl and Chris go to a secluded location so Chris can demand Daryl give up the Stompers to become a Regular American Square. BUMMER! And then,  BUMMER #2 - The Black Souls attack the bickering couple, beating up Daryl so badly they think he is dead, and abducting Chris. This is the Worst Part of the Movie unless you’ve got a personal gripe with Jody McCrae. Get over it! He’s the Comedy Relief Guy in “Bikini Beach”!

The Chase begins! The Black Souls plot to take Chris to Mexico and sell her into Sex Slavery while Daryl is on their trail accompanied by Smiley (Jock Mahoney), a retired Stomper who has made the same Lifestyle change Chris is nagging Daryl to make.Smiley is Cool but I bet about three seconds after the Movie is over he suddenly remembers “Oh, shit! I’ve got to go to the Store and pick up a loaf of bread! And a dozen eggs! And a light bulb! How long is it going to take to get back to town? Oh, my Wife is going to KILL me!”

I’m making “The Glory Stompers” sound kind of silly because I’m John Saleeby and this is Acid Logic but it really is an inspiring tale of Loyalty, Friendship, and Making Too Big A Fuss Over Really Good Looking Girls. Seemingly a conflict between Chino and Daryl, “The Glory Stompers” is actually held together by Pony, played by Gary Wood who later became a Genuine God Of American Cinema when he Produced and Starred in “Hardbodies”, everybody’s favorite Movie about Making Too Big A Fuss Over Really Good Looking Girls. Why isn’t Gary Wood a Big Celebrity? Is he that “Dancing With Wolves”-“Waterworld” guy everybody hates so much? Too bad! 

After Pony and Donna disappear from the Movie to get hitched they finally return at the most repulsive Sixties Movie Outdoor Party  that doesn’t feature the Rolling Stones and a Black Guy getting stabbed to death (Doreen is a lot more laid back than Chris) when who shows up but those damn Black Souls. Casey Kasem and his Scooby Boyfriend (Wonder where he is on the Countdown?) immediately march right up to Pony and advise him to take Doreen to Mexico and sell her just like they are about to do with a girl they have stolen from the Stompers. Smooth, Casey Kasem, Smooth! A huge fight breaks out everybody has a Good Time!

The next Morning brings the Best Scene of “The Glory Stompers”. But, no, it does not involve Dennis Hopper “Aw, just like ‘Giant’, man!”. Daryl and Smiley arrive at the Party site where Bikers are lying around like Pepperoni on a Pizza and when they fill Pony in on the Plot of the Movie he gradually remembers some Black Souls talking about kidnapping some Stomper’s Girl and “ . . . Uh . . . Wait a minute . . . They’re gonna take her to . . . Uh . . . They’re gonna take her to . . .  Uh . . . Mexico? . . . Yeah, they’re gonna take her to Mexico and . . . Uh . . . Let me think . . . Uh . . . They’re gonna take her to Mexico and . . . Uh . . . Sell her to some Mexicans!” “Sell her to some Mexicans?! Where are they going to make the trade, Pony?!” “Uh . . . They’re going to make the trade at . . . “ “Try to remember!” “Uh . . . They’re going to make the trade at . . . “ “Come on, Pony!” “Uh . . . They’re going to make the trade at . . . UH OH!!!” “WHAT!?!” “ONE OF THOSE BLACK SOULS LOOKED AT ME AND TOLD ME THAT HE LOVES ME!!! Oh, man!! Geez!!!” “Never mind that! Where are they going to make the trade?” “I think it was CASEY KASEM!! Casey Kasem said he Loves me!! What am I gonna do?!” “Don’t worry about that! Homosexuality is perfectly natural and nothing to be afraid of!” “Really? This is still 1967, right?” “Come on, Pony! Where are they going to sell Chris to those Mexicans?” “Now I have to make ‘Hardbodies’ about GUYS!!!” Anyway, Pony finally remembers the location of the delivery and Daryl and Smiley prepare to ride away. But WAIT! “Daryl!” Pony calls and as they turn around the Screen is filled with a Huge Gigantic Close Up of Pony announcing “I’M GOING WITH YOU!!!” What a GREAT Moment! What a GREAT Movie! What a GREAT Guy! Pony is The Best! I LOVE HIM!!! Uh . . . No, not in a Casey Kasem way . . . Uh . . . What are you looking at?  . . . Uh . . . PORTA ROSITA!! Yeah! They’re making the trade at PORTA ROSITA!!! Yeah!

NEXT MONTH - Casy Kasem’s Top Twenty Reasons Why He Didn’t Want You To Know About “The Glory Stompers”

*A Quick Shout Out To Seth Green For Introducing “Assless Chaps” To My Vocabulary On “That Seventies Show”! You’re EDUCATIONAL, dude!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - mailto:goon61_@hotmail.com

Dude, partake of some other Motherfucking Masterpieces! Iggy Pop's "Party" by John Saleeby With the arrival of the 80's, Iggy Pop turned to one man to resurrect his career: Ivan Kral! Heavy Metal by Wil Forbis This animated film from the 80's had more naked alien chicks than you could shake a phallicized laser pistol at. Scanners by Johnny Apocalypse Was Scanners a parable about out of control corporations or just an excuse to show exploding heads? Repo Man by Wil Forbis Packed with dead aliens, punk rock angst and Harry Dean Stanton in the role of his career, Alex Cox's cinematic masterpiece defined the term "cult film." RoboCop by John Saleeby Peter Weller shines as the clanking crimefighter in need of axel grease. Falling Down by Wil Forbis The final defense of the angry white male. Office Space by Wil Forbis Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead, satirizes the modern deskjob. Mr. Bungle by Wil Forbis The maniacal album that inspired tens, even dozens of musicians to become agro/metal/funk fanatics. Remember the clowns! Body Count by Cody Wayne Ice-T's hardcore metal group, famous for their ode to cop killin', get their due. John Carpenter's "The Thing" by Cody Wayne John Carpenter redefined the horror genre with his study of arctic isolation and shape shifting aliens. And here's more!