I saw "The Funhouse" on cable for the nine thousandth time and decided to write an Acid Logic Motherfucking Masterpiece article about it. I ALWAYS decide to write a Motherfucking Masterpiece article about "The Funhouse" after I see it in cable but then I turn the lights out to go to sleep, start thinking about The Monster in "The Funhouse", and wind up running around the street in my jammies crying like a little bitch until I forget all about the article. But this time the Sheriff read in TV Guide that "The Funhouse" was coming on cable that night and was waiting outside my house so he could taser me as soon as I came out in my jammies. So I said "Oww! Guess I'll just writes me an article!" and went back inside. No, actually that wasn't the first thing I said after he tasered me. The first thing I said was "I SEE A LITTLE SILOHETTO OF A MAN! SCARAMOUCHE! SCARAMOUCHE! WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!?" So then I told Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis that I wanted to write a Motherfucking Masterpiece article about "The Funhouse" and he said he thought we'd already done that! Can you believe that guy? Is this any way to run a Corporation? "Hey, Steve Jobs, let's put out the I-Pad!" "Uh, didn't we already do that?" "Huh?" "Get to work on those MacIntosh PCs that come in different colors like jellybeans!" "Okay."

I guess Forbis was mixed up from the Interesting Motherfuckers article I did a while ago about Tobe Hooper, who Directed "The Funhouse", "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and . . . uh . . . "Cabin Fever". Yeah, Tobe Hooper Directed "Cabin Fever". And "House Of Ten Thousand Corpses". Yeah. There are people who say the only good Movies Tobe Hooper ever Directed are "The Funhouse" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" but they don't know anything! How about "Cloverfield"? Do you know anything about that Movie? You don't? Okay! Tobe Hooper didn't just Direct "The Funhouse" and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", he also Directed "Cabin Fever", "House Of Ten Thousand Corpses", and "Cloverfield"! And all the Spiderman Movies, too! Tobe is TOPS! Yeah! Oh, I'm just trying to make Tobe feel good. Boy, has he ever made some crap! But, hey, at least he Directed "Bubba Ho Tep", right?

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is great but I think "The Funhouse" is even better. For one thing, it doesn't have any annoying fat guys in wheelchairs. I made sure about that before I ever watched it on cable. I called Hooper on the phone and asked him if there were any annoying fat guys rolling around in "The Funhouse" and when he said "No" I hung up before he could start whining about "Poltergeist". I also prefer "The Fun House" because it's more of a traditional Horror Movie. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is good but a little "Hip" for my taste. Luckily, it's Seventies "Hip" so you never get the feeling that it was Directed by some guy in a really cute little hat who lives in a "Loft". I like Seventies Movies Directed by people like Peter Bogdanovich and starring people like Jack Nicholson but if those guys were going to make a Movie where people are getting cut up by chainsaws they would have gotten it out of their system while they were still working for Roger Corman. I know that was one hell of a long way to go for the Obligatory John Saleeby Article "Roger Corman Reference" but most of you regular Acid Logic readers had your guard up and I went all the way around the back to sneak up on you. But "The Funhouse" is so Old Fashioned it evokes Tod Browning Movies from the Twenties and Thirties like "The Unholy Three", "Freaks", and . . . uh . . . Some other creepy old Movie Tod Browning made about Carnival Geeks and Circus Freaks. People always wonder if Browning would have been able to make a Movie like "Freaks" today. Hell, if the guy was sick enough to make a Movie like that back in The Old Days When America Was Still A Civilized Society today he'd be making Movies that would have Harmony Korinne and "The Human Centipede" guy collaborating on a new series of Andy Hardy Movies starring Justin Bieber. Yeah he was really some kind of a Movie Director, that Tod Browning! Wonder if he ever worked for Roger Corman?

The best thing about "The Funhouse" is that is a genuine Monster Movie instead of just another Slasher thing. Monsters are Cool. These guys like Michael Meyers and Leatherface who are just regular humans until they put on a stupid mask and start killing other humans - Anybody can do that! Where's the Magic? My Psychosis is too sophisticated for that Bourgeois mess. My God, have you heard the kind of jokes rubes like Wil Forbis make about Ted Bundy, John Gacey, and Jeffry Dahmer? No way am I going to get blood all over my clothes so those cheap hacks can sit around cracking shabby "John Saleeby" jokes. But Monsters? If I had born with razor sharp lobster claws instead of hands or radioactivity mutated me into the Antlerheaded Moose Man - Fuck, I'd be killing people all over the place! You think anybody would have made fun of Jeffry Dahmer if he had the head of a Great White Shark on top of his body instead of the head of a schizophrenic alcoholic homosexual cannibal? Hell, no! They would have feared, respected, and ultimately revered him. It might have been harder for him to pick up black guys in sleazy gay bars, but the Great White Shark Man would have compensated one way or nothing. Nature always finds a way. And The Monster in "The Funhouse" is such a Natural the killing doesn't break out until AFTER he takes off his mask! How bad ass is THAT? And what kind of mask is he wearing? A mask of Boris Karloff's "Frankenstein" Monster, The Elvis of Movie Monsters (I'd say the "Funhouse" Monster would be Lemmy from Motorhead but that would be insulting - Insulting to the MONSTER!! Ha ha ha!! But Lemmee tell ya . . . ). Like the "Frankenstein" Monster, the most frightening thing about the "Funhouse" Monster is how HUMAN he is. That's why Science Fiction Monsters from Outer Space like in "Alien" or "Independence Day" don't make it. Aliens are just assholes. They come here without being asked, they can't be bothered to learn English, they take jobs away from . . . I'm sorry, I got in a face scratching Sissy Fight with Keith Olberman last night. But no, Spacemen don't qualify as Monsters, they're just dicks. Not as bad a dick as Keith Olberman, but still pretty bad. What planet is Olberman from, anyway?

I can't write much more about the "Funhouse" Monster because it's really late at night, I'm all alone, and I can't think about him without jumping up and running into the other room to make sure he isn't in there getting ready to come in here and kill me. I got up and made five trips into the other room and back just while writing that last sentence right there. WHAT WAS THAT!?! Oh, it's the Sheriff. Hope he doesn't have that god damn taser again.

So instead I'll write about Elizabeth Berridge who plays the Teenage Girl the Monster chases all over the Funhouse. She's no Angie Harmon but she's pretty cute (I'm watching "Law And Order" right now. Sam Waterson is prosecuting some Monster for allegedly chasing a Teenage Girl all over a Funhouse and, Man Oh Man, is Jerry Ohrbach making with the sardonic one liners!). Right after "The Funhouse" Berridge appeared in some Movie called "Amadeus". Was that a Monster Movie? Is Amadeus a Japanese name? Was Amadeus that giant turtle? He was cool. Amadeus loves the Children of Japan! Amadeus! Amadeus!

Monster Movie Mofos will recognise the Drunken Magician in "The Funhouse" as William Finley who played the title character in "Phantom Of The Paradise". Hey! Now there's a Movie we should do a Motherfucking Masterpiece article about - "Phantom Of The Paradise"! (We already did that - Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor) No, we didn't! (Yes, we did - Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor) Don't argue with me in front of the fans! - John Saleeby, A Man Who Needs No Introduction, Has A Great Big Tool Of Reproduction.

Well, that's The Story on "The Funhouse". Except for The Story, I mean. You've already seen it so often you already know what it's all about. I only wrote this to encourage you to talk about what a great Movie "The Funhouse" is next time dickwipes are talking about junk like "The Godfather" or "Star Wars". Fuck those Movies! "The Funhouse" is The Best! "The Funhouse" is The Best Movie Ever Made!! If you don't love "The Funhouse" You Should Fucking Die And Go To Hell!!! No, I won't stop screaming!!! Fuck you, Sheriff!!! No, I won't stand still!!! No, I . . . OH, MAMA MIA! MAMA MIA, LET ME GO!! BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL PUT ASIDE FOR ME, FOR MEEE, FOR MEEEEEEE!!!!!

Next Month's Motherfucking Masterpiece - "Funhouse" By The Stooges!

Didn't we already do that? - Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor

I didn't like that joke you made about my appearance. - Lemmy, Motorhead Vocalist

I'm going out for a cup of coffee! - John Saleeby, Going Out For A Cup Of Coffee

Get me a latte, will ya? - Monster, "The Funhouse"