Downfall

A German Movie about Hitler? Why do I have to Write about this thing? Why not that creepy guy who always dresses in black and has a tattoo of Jeff Dahmer flossing his teeth? What is he Writing about this issue? Oh, "Caddyshack". That makes sense. "Downfall" is a really good Movie about Adolf Hitler and the Nazis so I can't watch it without wanting to go to Germany and drive a Tank around knocking over buildings and squishing people. You know, like I can't watch a Woody Allen Movie without wanting to go to New York and drive a Tank around knocking over buildings and squishing people. I can't watch any Movie without wanting to drive a Tank around knocking over buildings and squishing people. I'm a DICK.

"Downfall" is set in the final days of the Second World War when the Third Reich has finally been defeated and there is some Hope for the Future of The Human Race. But, don't worry, it's not quite as depressing as that sounds. Most of the Action is in the Underground Bunker where Hitler takes refuge from the relentless bombing and shelling with occasional scenes outside the Bunker where everybody is putting up with the bombing and the shelling and the exploding and the breaking and the screaming and the yelling and why don't they have an Underground Bunker, what are they, Chopped Liver? I just threw that in to compensate for the complete and total lack of Jews in this Movie. The Jews are all . . . Sorry.

Bruno Ganz plays Hitler in "Downfall". He's very good but there is no mystery why they hired Wil Ferrell to Star in "Anchor Man" instead of Bruno. Not a Funny Guy! I remember Bruno doing Bits at Comedy Open Mikes when I was in New York and encouraging him to become a Folk Singer or one of those guys you see on the Subway smoking Crack and screaming at People That Aren't There "Maybe you should be One Of Those People That Aren't There!" So when I heard that Bruno had gone back to Germany and gotten hired to play Hitler I was so happy I went back to New Orleans to get a job playing . . . No New Orleans jokes! Ain't it bad enough we got all these Holocaust jokes in this mess?

There's a lot of Suicide in this Movie so they should have hired Robin Williams to play Hitler. He was always bummed out but he was funny so maybe the Movie wouldn't be such a BUMMER. Why are all the Hitler Movies about Sad Hitler? Why not a Happy Hitler Movie about when it still looked like he was going to destroy Civilization and kill everybody? That would be a nice change of pace. Yeah! Robin Williams as Hitler right after the Fall of France when he went to Paris and threw a kitty off of the top of the Eiffel Tower. That would have been hysterical. There could have been a light hearted Improvisational version of the scene in "Bunker" where Hitler gives two young women a friendly little lecture on how to blow your brains out with an Automatic Pistol. Robin Williams could have gotten a sixty minute HBO Stand Up Comedy Special out of that! Why are all these Nazis committing Suicide? Courtney Love wasn't even Born yet! At the End they have that "Animal House" thing where they tell us what happened to everybody after the Story, only in "Downfall" everybody that is still alive at the End winds up spending at least ten years in a Soviet Prison. Believe me, if you were about to spend at least ten years in a Soviet Prison you'd probably commit Suicide, too. You can bet Bluto, Pinto, Otter, and all the Deltas would have been taking Cyanide and blowing their brains out if they had been in for a decade or two in a Soviet Prison. That's probably what would have happened if John Belushi hadn't gotten mad and made that big "Nothing is over until WE SAY IT IS!!!" Speech. Wow, Good thing Hitler didn't make that Speech!

HITLER : Joe Stalin . . . He's a DEAD MAN! Roosevelt . . . DEAD! Churchill . . .
GOEBBELS : DEAD! Hitler's right!
(Hitler looks surprised that someone thinks he is right)

The Nazis are FREAKIN' OUT! This one Officer goes AWOL and they find him in a Hotel Room with a Prostitute and some Heroin. Or maybe it's Cocaine. I'm not even sure if the Prostitute is a Male or a Female, how can I tell if it's Heroin or Cocaine? I guess that guy is in the Movie to give any American who might be in the audience someone to relate to. Dreamworks has a whole Movie about that guy coming out with Owen Wilson.

Godamighty, there is so much Suicide in this Movie I'm surprised they had enough Nazis left to start up Fox News! HAW HAW HAW!!! What a Knee Slapper! Why but slap your knee when Sarah Palin is still around!?! HAW HAW HAW!!!! I'm sorry, all that talk about Soviet Prisons has me so scared I really want to get in good with the Liberals. "Downfall" is a really good Movie while you are actually watching it but when it's over it's just "Okay". All through the Movie you are watching all these Germans going through absolute Hell and it breaks your Heart into ten billion pieces. Then it ends, you put the DVD back in the case, and you think "Oh, fuck those people!" You know, that "Driving Home From A Weekend With Your Relatives" Feeling. You can mess with Reality but History is One Tough Monkey. Everybody Loves Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty but nobody remembers Bonnie and Clyde's last names. If that Movie had been called "The Sexy Bank Robbing Kids" nobody would even know their first names. How many people remember Hitler's first name? Was it Adolf or was it Adolph? That always confused me. Fuck that guy! And you too, Uncle Larry! Or is Harry? I haven't spoken to him since I learned to talk.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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