The Day The Earth Stood Still

I always heard about this great Fifties Science Fiction Movie "The Day The Earth Stood Still" when I was a kid but never got around to actually seeing it until I was a broken down old geezer. I think I was put off by the "Stood Still" in "The Day The Earth Stood Still". "Stood Still" never sounded that exciting to me. Now, "The Day The Earth Got Chewed Up" or "The Day The Earth Got All Flattened Out Like A Pancake" - Those are titles for Science Fiction Movies that would have had me sitting up all night until 2:30 AM to catch em on The Late Late Show. But "The Day The Earth Stood Still"? That sounds like the title of some inky tinky Folk Song all about how We're In Too Much Of A Hurry, Man, Take Some Time To Smell The Roses, Live For The Moment, Vote For Walter Mondale, And Buy The New Album By Crosby, Stills, Nash, And Suck A Great Big Donkey Dick! So . . . Uh . . . That's why I never saw that Movie until this Afternoon. Yeah.

So, what is "The Day The Earth Stood Still" about, anyway? Well, not that I want to give anything away - People are more uptight about that SPOILERS jazz than ever. I mentioned Zombies in an article about "The Walking Dead" and some black chick cut my head off with a Samurai Sword - It's a Movie where a Space Ship lands in Washington DC and a David Bowie Type pretending to be from another Planet comes out and says that if Earthlings build Space Ships that can carry Nuclear weapons into Outer Space his Robot will mess us up. Yeah, he's got a Robot so he don't need Iggy. I'm pretty sure that building Space Ships that can carry Nuclear weapons into Outer Space was the last thing anybody on Earth was thinking about, but Thanks A Lot For Coming By, Major Tom!

What we are basically talking about is a Movie about a guy and his Robot. The Space Man is named "Klaatu", the Robot is "Gort", the Movie is "The Day The Earth Stood Still", and whoever is handing out the names around here has really got to Hit The Bricks. Klaatu? Gort? If these guys are from such an advanced Culture why don't they know about "Ron" or "Dennis"? On the other hand, Klaatu is still better than "Zac"? Remember that weird phase when everybody on TV had a kid named Zac? I'd name my kid Gort before I'd call him Zac. Oh, if your name is Zac and you're reading this - TOO BAD! If your name is Gort and you're reading this - KLAATU BARADA NIKTO! That's the Big Secret Code Message Klaatu has his Earth Lady Friend pass on to Gort to prevent him from destroying the Earth when Klaatu gets killed - SPOILER! SPOILER! SPOILER! BLOW ME! BLOW ME! BLOW ME!

The Real Star Of The Show is Gort The Robot. Gort mostly stands around off to the side like Zeppo in a Marx Brothers Movie but it is implied that Gort has the Power to Destroy The Earth so there may have been a reason for Zeppo's presence in "Monkey Business" and "Horse Feathers" after all. Maybe if the Captain had thrown the Marx Brothers off of that ship in "Monkey Business" laser beams would have shot out of Zeppo's eyes and . . . What am I? HG Wells? Why am I Writing about the Marx Brothers? Because they're more interesting to Write about than anybody in "The Day The Earth Stood Still" but My Man Gort! Talkin' 'bout GORT! Talkin' 'bout GORT! AH CAN'T STOP TALKIN' 'BOUT GORT!!!!

Gort is played by a guy named Lock Martin who was SEVEN FEET TALL! I guess they didn't know about Basketball back then. That explains why nobody makes dismissive jokes about Klaatu's Tennis Shoes when they first see him come out of the Space Ship. Some Hollywood Big Shot discovered Lock Martin while Lock was working as an Usher at a Movie Theater. My God! If the Usher who threw me out of a Movie Theater back in 1978 for drinking beer while watching "The Buddy Holly Story" had been Seven Feet Tall I wouldn't have given him a Ticket for that Flight with Richie Valens and the Big Bopper. That joke was Seven Feet Long! I wish I was Seven Feet Tall. Although I was Born with Seven Feet. They cut off Five and made a Senate Investigative Committee out of the Toes. But it's great to be back in Baltimore . . .

Gort spends most of his Time in "The Day The Earth Stood Still" standing around looking really scary. He is very good at standing around looking really scary but, if you ask me, he is TOO good at it. Klaatu tells everybody that they had better do what he tells them to do or Mister Gort over there looking really scary will get to Work and, By Golly, they do it! Maybe if Gort wasn't quite so scary some Palooka might try to mess with Klaatu a little bit and we might get to see Gort do The Mess Around on his Klaatu disrespecting ass. Maybe if Gort had a Bad Hair Cut or would belch every now and then - Something to make him seem like kind of a Doofus - some Weisenheimer might be encouraged to give Klaatu a little lip and then we'd get to see Gort kill a few Hundred Million People. The first we see of Gort he is making Soldier's Guns, Tanks, and Artillery Pieces DISAPPEAR. That's awesome, but before he does all that he should get caught picking his nose so everybody laughs at him and he throws a tantrum and kills all the Soldiers and sells their Guns, Tanks, and Artillery Pieces to some stinky Third World Dictator. But Gort doesn't even have a nose! Not even a little plastic one he can snap onto the front of his head like a Refrigerator Magnet! Damn, I oughta do some Science Fiction Writing! Nah, the last time I tried to describe a Space Monster Whoopie Goldberh thought I was talking trash about her and squirted Acid at me through an opening in her forehead and I melted down into a puddle of slime. And I've never felt better!

So, see "The Day The World Ate At The Waffle House, Got Sick, And Couldn't Go To Work". Yeah, I changed the name. Picked up the Phone . . . Made a few calls . . . I Write for Acid Logic - I'M A BIG MAN!!

What do you think America? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - mailto:goon61_@hotmail.com

Dude, partake of some other Motherfucking Masterpieces! Iggy Pop's "Party" by John Saleeby With the arrival of the 80's, Iggy Pop turned to one man to resurrect his career: Ivan Kral! Heavy Metal by Wil Forbis This animated film from the 80's had more naked alien chicks than you could shake a phallicized laser pistol at. Scanners by Johnny Apocalypse Was Scanners a parable about out of control corporations or just an excuse to show exploding heads? Repo Man by Wil Forbis Packed with dead aliens, punk rock angst and Harry Dean Stanton in the role of his career, Alex Cox's cinematic masterpiece defined the term "cult film." RoboCop by John Saleeby Peter Weller shines as the clanking crimefighter in need of axel grease. Falling Down by Wil Forbis The final defense of the angry white male. Office Space by Wil Forbis Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead, satirizes the modern deskjob. Mr. Bungle by Wil Forbis The maniacal album that inspired tens, even dozens of musicians to become agro/metal/funk fanatics. Remember the clowns! Body Count by Cody Wayne Ice-T's hardcore metal group, famous for their ode to cop killin', get their due. John Carpenter's "The Thing" by Cody Wayne John Carpenter redefined the horror genre with his study of arctic isolation and shape shifting aliens. And here's more!