Curse Of The Werewolf

The Werewolf is a pretty basic idea for a Movie Monster. Every now and then a Normal Human is turned into a Bloodthirsty Berserker and . . . What the . . . I’m all out of Coffee? HOW THE FUCK CAN I BE ALL OUT OF COFFEE!?! Saleeby runs outside, attacks a bunch of people, rips their arms off, tears their intestines out, and wakes up the next Morning with his Notebook all full of scribbling . . .  Uh, this is pretty good stuff! Yeah, I can get an Acid Logic article out of this! First I’ll have a little Coffee . . . AW, SHIT!!!

“Curse Of The Werewolf” is my Favorite Werewolf Movie because I liked it when I was a kid and when I saw it on Cable the other day it didn’t give me any traumatic  “When I Was A Kid” Flashbacks - Except for that Morning when my Dad found out we were all out of Coffee and . . . Runs outside, attacks a bunch of people, etc.

“Curse Of The Werewolf” is maybe The Best of the Horror Movies Produced by the Hammer Studio in the The Nineteen Sixties. Everybody Loves those Hammer Movies about Dracula and Frankenstein but, I’m Sorry, “Night Of The Living Dead” ruined all that Highfalootin’ Aristocratic Noblemen Flouncin’ about Luxurious Castles in the Eighteen Hundreds for me. I watch a Hammer Movie with Peter Cushing going out of his Mind with Terror and I’m just “Whatchoo worried about, Bro? You’ve got at least another Century until the Zombie Apocalypse breaks out! You don’t have to worry about stealing a Helicopter and hiding out in a Shopping Mall! Just pick up a good Gas Mask and you’ll make it through the First World War just fine! SHIT!”

Oliver Reed is the Star of Tonight’s Creature Feature and he is a Natural Choice to play a Werewolf because he is already terrifying as Hell when he is still a Normal Human Being. Look at Oliver Reed in any Movie he was ever in - The Guy already looks like he is about to KILL somebody. Hell, he looks like he’s ALREADY killed somebody. They couldn’t put him in a Murder Mystery because as soon as the Cops looked at him it would be “Oh, he’s the Killer. It’s so obvious!” “Yeah, you’ve got me!” and they would have to spend the rest of the Movie playing Charades. “Next time we put him in a Mystery we’ll fix it so they don’t see him until the very end!” “Shut up! I’m trying to guess what Movie she’s giving us clues for! Uh . . . Oh! ‘Curse Of The Werewolf’!” “YAY!!!” Reed had a long and successful Movie Career despite always looking like he was about to climb out of the Screen and beat the shit out of everybody in the Audience. Did that ever actually happen? MAYBE! One Night in 1976 a Theater full of People in Sydney, Australia were found beaten Black And Blue by an Usher looking to see if any Kangaroos had snuck in to see the Show. None of the victims were willing to talk about what had happened but . . . The Movie they were watching that fateful night was . . . “He Looks Like A Prick” Starring OLIVER REED!!!

“Curse Of The Werewolf” is also of interest in that it is set in SPAIN rather than some crazy Eastern European Country that doesn’t even exist. Wouldn’t it be nice if Eastern Europe didn’t exist? I know there aren’t really any Werewolves or Vampires over there but the place is still creepy as Hell without them. They only came up with Stories about Werewolves and Vampires to explain why nobody ever wants to go there.  Like how here in the South we had to come up with New Orleans and Florida. Spain is kind of like France and Italy but we’ve already seen Ten Billion Movies in France and Italy so “Curse Of The Werewolf” has a special kind of “Let’s order the Chicken and see what they do with it!” kind of Excitement.  Who knew Spain was so SPOOKY? Remember The Spanish Civil War? It was between the Spanish Vampires and the Spanish Werewolves! The Cheerleaders were HOT! Portugal? Those people are kidding themselves. Quit POSING! You’re SPANISH!! EMBRACE THE EMPANADAS!!! Eh, if you were French you’d be Belgian. Fuck you!

“Curse Of The Werewolf” was Directed by Terence Fisher who Directed about Three Hundred Hammer Horror Movies. Fisher’s Direction is mostly a matter of “Oh! Look at the DRAPES! And that GOBLET!” Fisher throws his hands and gasps “And THAT DIVAN!!!! Get a Shot of that Divan!! Peter Cushing! Sit on that Divan!!!” “What shall I wear?” “OH, THE POSSIBILITIES!!!” Terence Fisher was once considered as the Director for a Charles Bronson “Death Wish” Movie. He did not get the job.

And when Oliver Reed finally turns into a Wolf man in this Movie it is The Best Movie Wolfman Ever! Do we have a Still of Reed as the Wolfman here? Hey, Forbis! Get a still of Oliver Reed as the Wolfman here! For the article! Hey! Quit foolin’ around!  GODDAMMIT, FORBIS!!! What a jerk! This is it! I’ve had it! No more Acid Logic articles from John Saleeby! I don’t need this shit! I just sent a Writing Submission to a BIG WEB SITE and I’m gonna start Writing for them and Acid Logic can KISS MY ASS!!! Oh, look! I just got an E Mail from them just now! Let me open it up . . . Uh . . . Shit . . . So, what am I going to Write an Acid Logic article about next Month, Forbis? Led Zeppelin? “Houses Of The Holy”? That’s good Music for when I’m trying to keep from crying . . .

So, watch “Curse Of The Werewolf” and you will be doing ALL RIGHT! Unless you’re Portuguese. I can’t imagine what it takes for you to be happy. The Portugal-Belgium Soccer Match? I wouldn’t watch that if the Black Woman on “Z Nation” was playing Goalie for both sides. No, wait a minute . . .

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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