Beavis and Butthead

The recent release of Mike Judge's "Beavis And Butthead" on video and DVD leaves everything on broadcast and cable television as useless as deoderant, dental floss, and women who aren't modeling on internet porn sites. What a pleasure to see these icons of American Comedy in action again for the first time since they were cancelled by those . . . those . . . I'm sorry, I can't think of anything insulting enough to call the people who work at MTV. Now that I think about it, what could possibly be more insulting than "the people who work at MTV"? I wouldn't even call the people who sexually abuse their own children that. But if you called the people who work at MTV "the people who sexually abuse their own children" they would sneer at you for being narrow minded and judgemental and force you to watch that old hag Sheryl Crow make goo goo eyes at Kid Rock until you lose all interest in women who aren't modeling on internet porn sites and stop using deoderant and dental floss.

Yeah, "Beavis And Butthead". Cool.

Huh? Wha? Huh?

I have to write more? Well, you clearly don't know very much about "Beavis And Butthead" if "Yeah, 'Beavis And Butthead'. Cool." doesn't sum it all up for you. You must be the sort of person who enjoys Tim Robbins releasing huge amounts of methane gas through the front of his head on C-Span. A "Simpsons" fan, in other words.

What a drag that "Beavis And Butthead" was on MTV. If it had been on any other network it would have been recognised as every bit as good as that hyped up piece of Hollywood elitist doo dah "The Simpsons" and Matt Groenig wouldn't have enough money to buy a bag of corn chips, much less shovel huge amounts of cash into the Democratic National Committee's "Let's Serve Up America To Red China On A Seseme Seed Bun" Fund.  Groenig has stated that The Big Message behind "The Simpsons" is that "America will kill you", which might make some sense if it had been about a wacky Iraqi family, but we all know that Mister Matt is too Poltically Correct for anything as potentially insensitive as that. Like every good little artsy fartsy lefty, Groenig's big beef is with The Traditional Family - Or, as they insist on calling it just to make it sound really sinister, The Nuclear Family. I bet a "Simpsons" fan could enjoy "American Beauty" and make it through the next week and a half without coming up with four hundred and ninety three things in it that didn't make a bit of sense (Here's one to get you started - It's soooooo weird that the neighbor has a china plate with a swastika on it but nobody bats an eye that his son has a huge supply of marijuana in his bedroom. God, are you people dumb).

Since Bart and Lisa Simpson don't appreciate how lucky they are to have a Mom and Dad who will do anything they can to give them everything they need to grow up into healthy, happy adults maybe they oughta spend a little time in Beavis And Butthead's weird little black shoes. Like Jackie Gleason's "The Honeymooners" or Joe Lieberman's Presidential Campaign, it's a good thing that "Beavis And Butthead" is so funny cause otherwise we'd break down crying over the relentless misery of the whole situation. If we've just got to live in a nation full of neglected, deprived children (And, with an army of Federal and State employees making a very nice living off of  the situation, you bet your ass we really do have to live in a nation full of neglected, deprived children), a funny TV show about these poor kids should have been far more appreciated than "Beavis And Butthead" ever was. Why would hifalootin' egghead TV critics praise a show about millions of American kids growing up in squalor when they could write ten gazillion words praising a show about "nothing"? Don't get me wrong, "Seinfeld" was a great show (It's my Dad's favorite, so why put it down? Ask Matt Groenig about his Dad's fave show and he'll probably rant and rave at you until you put all the chairs up on the tables, turn off the lights, and leave him muttering in the dark), but a country that finds the life of a zany stand up comic who doesn't do anything but chase tail and swap ironic little quips with his "friends" of more interest than two little dudes who get as much attention from their parents as I get from Renee Zellweger will only produce more and more kids like Beavis And Butthead in the future.

After "Beavis And Butthead" Judge went to Fox to create "King Of The Hill", a show about suburban American family so positive that, if Hillary Clinton ever becomes President, Judge will certainly wind up in a three foot by four foot cell with eleven roommates and a two mosquito a day diet. "King Of The Hill" is so out of place on today's television that at times it feels like Andy Griffith's old show about Mayberry. Yeah! I'll say it again, you twisted little faggots - MAYBERRY!! MAYBERRY!!! MAYBERRY!!!

Ha!!

Artwork by Daniel Gordon . Click on graphic for larger version.

But a lot of folks will never acknowledge the comic brilliance of "Beavis And Butthead" because of it's dedicated commitment to furthering the noble cause of Adolescent Kid Humor. As a State Of Mind I'd rank adolescence somewhere between Acid Induced Fascination With The Teeny Weeny People Living In The Toaster and Getting So Pissed Off About The Dixie Chicks You Bother To Call Your Local Phone In Radio Talk Show Host , but those thirteen - fourteen year old are a pretty funny bunch of bozos. You know -  Fart jokes, turd jokes, dick jokes - Great stuff. But, speaking as a highly trained Veteran Of The Comic Wars -  Farts, turds, and dicks are infinitely funnier than fart jokes, turd jokes, and dick jokes. Also "Beavis And Butthead" couldn't possibly feature real farts, turds, and dicks cause it was only a cartoon so you could make a case for it laying the groundwork for that "Jackass" thing. Have you caught on by now that I just like talking to you about farts, turds, and dicks? No wonder I have yet to recieve a positive response from Eliza Dushku to my many love letters. But - HEY! - Farts, turds, and dicks sure are more fun than all that handwringing garbage about neglected kids, eh? Shit, YEAH!

So, who are these boys - This Beavis and that Butthead? Well, Butthead wears an AC/DC  t shirt and Beavis wears a Metallica t shirt. That says it all, right? Huh? What the hell do you mean how does that say it all? Allright, I'll explain how that says it, but don't come crying to me if it goes on as long as the "Yeah, 'Beavis And Butthead'. Cool." mess. Both Beavis and  Butthead are obviously screwed up but eventually Beavis will wise up enough to realise that Metallica sucks dead skunk butt and then he'll get an Ozzy t shirt. Butthead, on the other hand, is never going to wise up in any way, shape, or form so it's just a good thing that he is wearing an AC/DC t shirt because once you are an AC/DC fan you are an AC/DC fan for life. It would be perfectly fine if Beavis was in an AC/DC t shirt, but it would be terrible for Butthead to be in a Metallica t shirt because he's so dumb he'll never catch on to what a no talent bunch of dickbags those morons are and he'll make a fool of himself walking around in the same stinking Metallica t shirt for the rest of his life. You can't have that!

(It's just a cheap joke that their fat little wussie friend Stewart wears a Winger t shirt. If MTV had him wearing a U2 or R.E.M. t shirt they really would have been as naughty as they thought they were.)

Everybody says Beavis And Butthead are stupid but they're wrong - After four years in the Army and seven years in stand up comedy I know Stupid when I see it. Butthead is stupid but Beavis is actually pretty bright. Unfortunately, like most intelligent people eventually do, Beavis has gone completely crazy so he might as well be as dumb as Butthead for all the good being smart will ever do him. Despite joke peeks into the future which present them as adults living in the exact same conditions they're in as kids, there is the distinct possibility that Beavis will dump Butthead to move up a few levels in High School Society. Maybe he would have started going out with that Daria chick and then her MTV series might have had a little pizzazz to it.

Naw, that never woulda happened. I just know from watching "Beavis And Butthead" that I am watching The Final Days before these kids got into drugs and finally died. I've seen enough of these two to know what they'll say when somebody offers them some crack. Forget "Just Say 'No'", how about "Just Say 'Hey, Butthead - Check It Out!'". MTV has certainly proven to be crass enough to go for a cartoon show about a couple of teen meth addicts who get shot to death while trying to hold up a convenience store, so let's just be grateful Judge got the chance to do "King Of The Hill" for Fox when he did. How long until Beavis And Butthead died? I give em two - three years tops, so they've probably been worm meat for five or six years now. That's a drag, but at least they never had to see Sponge Bob Squarepants. I don't think they would have liked him any more than Johnny Thunders and Jerry Nolan would have liked Beck. If you don't get that because you don't know who Thunders and Nolan are, you are a fart knocker. If you don't get it because you don't know who Beck is, can I have ten bucks worth of whatever you are smoking?

Oh, before I go to return these Beavis And Butthead to the video place, check out the Acid Logic article about Matt Judge's live action feature film "Office Space". Pretty good movie, although mostly known for starring Jennifer Aniston and prompting all Real Men to wish it had Courtney Cox in it instead.

"He said 'Cocks'!"

I did not! I . . . Eh, you kids!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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