Marky Mark is a Very Bad Man
By Wil "Cold Dogg" Forbis
September 1, 2001
Here's the funny thing about Marky Mark - the guy's probably the baddest motherfucker ever to hit rap music, yet no-one gives him any props. After all, this is a guy who took a Vietnamese dude's eye out with a metal hook and told one of Madonna's bodyguards that he "looked like a homo," yet he's still seen as this nice guy all around goodbody. Meanwhile, Eminem, a guy who for the most part just talks tough and has to have D-12 do his dirty work, is crowned the king of bad boy rap. What's wrong with this picture? Why can't Marky get the credit he deserves?
Now, sure, you might say, "But, Wil, Marky ain't even in the running because he's not rapping anymore; he's an actor!" Can you blame him? Rap music is a genre that's always prided itself on creating the toughest, hardest icons of the music world. Yet when a stone-cold motherfucker like Mark Walhberg gets in the game (a guy who'd been to jail for a violent assault) they don't even give him the time of day. They just have him hop around singing about "good vibrations" and dropping trou in some Calvin Klein ads. (A job pertained for him by David Geffen who seemed to have no problem ignoring Mark's various anti-homosexual remarks.) No wonder Mark split to thespianism when he realized he was never going to get the respect he was due for being a rapper living the thug life.
In fact, even compared to the king of Thug Life, Tupac Shakur, Marky comes out tops. Let's take a look at Tupac's rather spotty record of being a real thug and lay it against Walhberg's. For one thing, Tupac started out at Baltimore School for the Arts where he studied ballet and reportedly wrote poems and shit. Aw yeah, hard, motherfucker, hard! Then Tupac moved into the world or rap starting out as a dancer (Translation: homo!) for a happening hip hop group of the day. Which band of street hard homeboys was Tupac prancing about for? NWA? Wu-Tang? Hell, no, fool, we're talking about Digital Underground. That's right, the fool with the nose always rapping about, "I'm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy." So far, Tupac's looking about as hard as the Pillsbury doughboy. Tupac then went on to get shot, serve time for an admittedly questionable rape charge, then get shot again (ain't this fool ever heard of ducking!) this time to death!
In fact, when you compare most of rap's "bad boys" to Marky you see they probably couldn't hold a candle to Will Smith. Snoop Dogg? Motherfucker's stylin', ain't no doubt about that, but the only thing he even did time for was some dope dealin'. How about the Geto Boys' Bushwick Bill? Instead of blinding other motherfuckers, that fool got his eye shot out by a bitch! It don't get no lower than that. At least Dr. Dre made a stab at respectability when he smashed TV host Dee Barnes face into a wall. But after he was done, that hoe* still had both eyes. Dre should of had Marky come in and seal the deal. When he'd finished Dee would have needed a seeing eye dog!
I'll tell you what the problem is here: racism. The lily-white "establishment" press, doesn't want to admit that a good looking honkey like Marky can be just as much a savage brute as those ghetto killers in Compton. (The only reason Eminem gets play as a bad boy is 'cuz he got Dre sponsoring him.) As a result, whenever they write their fawning articles proclaiming him this generation's Cary Grant, they completely overlook the great advances he's made for racially inspired beatings. I was reading a recent piece in Vanity Fair about Walhberg and in the whole article they only mentioned his attack on the Vietnamese guy once! That's pretty cold, ignoring a guy's best work like that. Imagine reading a profile on Charlie Manson where they only make a passing reference to the whole "ordering people to stab Sharon Tate's unborn baby" thing. Sometimes, a guy just can't win.
You'd think that if Marky couldn't get credit for being a racist thug, he could at least get some props for his homophobia. But, get this, a spokesman from GLAD recently insinuated they viewed Marky's anti-gay comments as youthful indicretions that they hoped he'd outgrown. (I'm paraphrasing here since I lost the original quote.) This is GLAD, the same people who threw a conniption fit when Eminem performed with Elton John at the Grammies. What's our boy got to do to get a rise out of these people, throw up on Judy Garland's grave?
However, I sincerely hope that despite all these slights, Marky hasn't given up on his career as a thug rapper. And in fact there's quite a few things he could do to get his rebel reputation back on track. How bought a little kidnapping? Maybe date-raping Thora Birch? Hell, reputed mob ties certainly never hurt anyone, just ask Sinatra. Marky may have to work a little harder, a little faster to get the credit he deserves for being a gay-baiting, asian-bashing barbarian, but I think he's got what it takes.
*You know, what is the correct spelling of "hoe"? You'd think it would be "ho," but I routinely see it spelled like the gardening instrument and I'm starting wonder. If anyone has the definitive word on this grammatical quandary, let me know.**
**Update, Sept 3 - Problem Solved! Christian from Stockholm was nice enough to do some research into the proper spelling of this difficult term. A search at dictionary.com provided these results:
n. pl. hos
Slang. A prostitute.
[African American Vernacular English, alteration of whore.]
Check out Christian's great art here: http://www.ripper3d.com/selector1.html
Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.