London Calling, Says 'Hello'
By John Saleeby
August 1st, 2005
The July 7 bombings in London were obviously more of a trauma to the American news media than to anyone in England. Diane Sawyer was so hysterical on ABC's "Good Morning America" I figured her meds had worn off and she'd finally realized that she'd gotten married to a little old show business queer. The poor woman! And she looked so hot on 9-11 with her hair all messed up like she'd just gotten out of bed and a man's white shirt tied off around her waist - SEXY! But on 7-7 (As people in desperate need of a Seagrams and Seven Up insist on calling the day of the London attacks) she was in such a tizzy a man in London whose face been blown off was doing his best to calm her down . . .
Mr. No Face: Oh, are all those cameras here for ME? I thought perhaps Posh Spice was about. I was only hanging around to maybe have a look at her, get an autograph perhaps.
Diane Sawyer: We're here to cover the EXPLOSION!
Mr. No Face: The explosion? Well, it's all over, I'm afraid. Which you can clearly see by the total lack of a tell tale "BOOM"ing sound.
Diane Sawyer: But all the hurt people!
Mr. No Face: Oh, I'm sure a lot of them were hurt before the explosion. Excuse me, sir, but weren't your intestines spilling out onto the floor before the explosion?
Mr. Intestines: Yes, I'm sorry. It's impossible for me to hold them in and read the newspaper at the same time.
Mr. No Face: No need to apologize, in the current circumstances it's quite all right,
Mr. Intestines: Thank you.
Mr. No Face: Anything about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in this morning's edition?
Mr. Intestines: Hhhhmmm . . .
Diane Sawyer: But, sir, YOUR FACE HAS BEEN BLOWN OFF!!!
Mr. No Face: Well, it's not like I'm Hugh Grant or anything.
Diane Sawyer: And what is your name?
Mr. No Face: Gary Oldham.
(Wacky "Laugh In" Gag Music)
Meanwhile on NBC they were so bananas Katie Couric had ‘em stuffing another video camera up her colon while Matt Lauer's scalp rotated around and around like the lid on a jar of peanut butter so Al Roker could make sandwiches out of his brain with Smucker's Grape Jelly. "The Today Show"! If "Saturday Night Live" was that funny somebody might offer Lorne Michaels a job! On CBS . . . Do they still have a morning show? Is that hot oriental chick who hosts "Big Brother" on it? She ever get naked, stuff a camera up her colon and stuff? No? No wonder nobody watches that shit. CBS never should have gotten rid of Captain Kangaroo. That show kicked ass! I bet when CBS fired him Captain Kangaroo and Mister Greenjeans and Dancing Bear and My Man Mister Moose went to England and they've been kickin' BBC butt ever since! Except for Bunny Rabbit - I hate that little bitch! Stupid terrorists bomb The Treasure House and My Man Mister Moose'd be dropping ping pong balls all over the Arab World! Mister Moose - MACHO TO THE BONE!
Excuse me, but was I just going on about Captain Kangaroo right in the middle of an serious, hard hitting think piece on how much I admire the British people and their calm, composed response to the horror of Terrorism? Oh, well, you know us Americans - We're PUSSIES! Bombs shut down the entire city of London on Thursday and on Friday they just get up and go to work like nothing had happened at all. We've all seen "Shaun Of The Dead", after the London bombings I bet if all the dead in England were to come back to life they would be too busy going to work as usual to eat the living. Maybe that's what they would have done on weekends, maybe nibbled a bit on a few people on the way home from the office. I love Zombie movies. Well, maybe not Rob Zombie movies.
These people are TOUGH! They even liked The Clash AFTER Mick Jones left - THAT'S dedication! These people have been through Hell - of course their teeth are the same color as a pair of US Army Battle Dress fatigues! They used to Rule The World. But then some fag invented Multiculturalism and before England could come up with a snappy comeback the goddam Germans got all Prussian on us just to give the White Man a permanent bad rep. I would have used the phrase "Stiff Upper Lip" here but, to be honest, I've always found it kind of disgusting.
Everybody knows that the Germans attacked London with airplanes and rockets but in doing research for this article I found out that in World War One those Eternal Sons O' Fun bombed Great Britain with ZEPPELINS!!! I didn't know there really was such a thing a ZEPPELIN!!! I thought that was crazy shit Robert Plant made up while trippin' on 'shrooms! Whoa! Zeppelins! Can you dig it? Yes, I can! What if Al Qaeda came at us with Zeppelins? That would be FREAKY! Is there such a thing as an Aqualung, too? Now every time I listen to "Kashmir" while on 'shrooms I'm gonna freak out and call the Department Of Homeland Defense on my Maxwell Smart Shoe Phone - "Yo, George W! You and me have gotta have a conference in The Cone Of Silence!"
So then The Cone Of Silence comes down while George W and me settle down with a coupla Banana Strawberry "Smoothies" (That's what George W calls ‘em, I really don't feel like drinking it but it's cool to finally find out what the fuck those "Smoothies" everybody's been talking about are. Zeppelins, Smoothies - I'm LEARNING!) and have an intelligence briefing.
"Mister President, Al Qaeda's gonna come at us with Zeppelins!"
"Al Qaeda's gonna come at us with Zeppelins!"
"What did you say?"
"ZEPPELINS! Al Queda's coming at us with ZEPPELINS!!"
"Oh, that's enough! Bring this thing back in the ceiling! What a pain in the neck!"
The Cone Of Silence goes back up to the ceiling . Saleeby jumps on it and rides up into the air.
"Yippeee!! Look at me! I'm Robert Plant flying to London in my Zeppelin!"
"Hey, you're on 'shrooms! You're holdin' out on me!!!"
Saleeby is crushed to death between the ceiling and The Cone Of Silence.
Nothing could ruffle those Londoner's feathers, except maybe pointing out the fact that they have feathers. So next time you take a vacation go to London and just go APESHIT! Drink five or six pints of Guinness, take a huge Guinness dump in the men's room without flushing or wiping or even dropping your pants for that matter, and go back into the pub wearing a rubber Creature From The Black Lagoon suit. In America that kinda stunt would get you locked up in Gitmo but in England they'll just assume you're a former member of The Pogues.
A suggestion - The giant cannon Johnny Depp built in Colorado to blast Hunter S. Thompson's ashes into the sky should be shipped to London so they could blast the ashes of the bombing victims into the sky at the very moment Robert Plant's Zeppelin comes in for a landing at Heathrow Airport. WHOA!
And have the Royal Navy keep an eye out for them Aqualungs!
wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand
up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org