Jesus Didn’t Have To Be Funny
By John Saleeby
Sick Comedy (Definition) : Rude Humor about Death, Tragedy, and John Saleeby’s Sex Life. Featuring insensitive jokes about Pain, Misery, and John Saleeby crying about his Ex Girlfriends all night.
Why do horrible things always give me ideas for Comedy Bits? Why do Concentration Camps, Serial Killers, and Chinese All You Can Eat Buffets provide inspiration for the amusement and entertainment of otherwise healthy Human Beings? Have I been blessed with a Gift for comforting others from the most disturbing aspects of Human Existence?
“Nah, you’re just a DICK!”
“I’m the evil little part of your mind that makes up stupid jokes about unhappy events just because you are a DICK!!”
Wait a minute . . .
“By the way, I’ve been working on a few jokes about the Donner Party.”
The Donner Party?
“You know, those poor people who stuck in the mountains in the middle of winter and were forced to resort to cannibalism to survive”
Uh . . . Yeah, that could work. No! Wait!
“Ha Ha! You’re a DICK!!!”
Go away! I’m right in the middle of Writing an article for Acid Logic!
“Acid Logic? Uh oh! Time to really bring out the SLEAZE!”
It’s your fault I’ve been Writing for Acid Logic all this time instead of Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmell, isn’t it?
Lenny Bruce is everybody’s Big Hero when it comes to Offensive Sick Gross Out Dead Baby Comedy. He was funnier then I will ever be, that’s for sure. The only thing I could do that Lenny Bruce did is falling off of a toilet in a drugged stupor and dying naked on the bathroom floor. But what had Lenny Bruce’s dead naked ass dissolving into a bubbling puddle of green slime is the time he spent working as as Emcee in disease infested LA Strip Clubs . The Lenny Legend contends that this was the Combat Duty which transformed Lenny Bruce from the Hack Jokester of his Youth into the Gargantuan Satirist worshipped and emulated by the bubbling puddles of green slime of today’s Hot Hip Happening Comedy Scene. But let’s take a realistic look at those Strip Clubs and the kind of man who would choose to spend his time in them.
“Hey, how about a bit about the Donner Party going to an LA Strip Club and eating Lenny Bruce?”
STOP IT! Those Donner Party people weren’t stumbling around in the snow eating parts of their dead relatives to stay alive out of design. The Story of the Donner Party is about people in a horrible situation, not about horrible people.
“That’s why it’s funny!”
SHUT UP! But the Story of Lenny Bruce in those Strip Clubs is not a story about a guy in a horrible situation, it is a story about a horrible guy.
“I can’t believe I hang out with you.”
Lenny Bruce didn’t have to spend all that time in them dumps! The only other Comics you saw in there were Amateur Kids just starting out or broken down old bums one step away from living on the sidewalk and Writing for Acid Logic . . . HUH?!
“HA HA HA!!!”
I HATE YOU!
“My Great Grandfather was the evil little voice inside Lenny Bruce’s head that had him Emceeing in shitty Strip Clubs instead of Starring in ‘FunTime With Lenny’ on NBC every Tuesday Night!”
Uh . . . Lenny Bruce was a DICK!!!
Why have I devoted my Life to such garbage? I meet nice women and they are impressed when I tell them I am a Writer. But then I tell them I write Jokes about Ted Bundy and the Ebola Epidemic and they fold their arms, blink their eyes, and disappear in a weird looking vase. Huh?
“It’s an ‘I Dream Of Jeanie’ reference, dumb ass!”
Maybe one day I will find a girl that isn’t repulsed by School Shooting gags but what is going to happen when I come home from the Doctor’s Office and tell her I’ve got Cancer?
“Cancer? HAHAHA! Where is my phone? Say that again so I can put it on Face Book! Cancer! HA!”
“Hey, what is that bubbling puddle of green slime on the floor?”
“Oh, Saleeby was just working on another article for Acid Logic.”
“Eh . . . “
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
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