Came Out Of Nowhere, Guess I’ll Go Back
By John Saleeby
February 1 , 2016
Lemmy from Motorhead has died. What else is there to Write an article about? I don’t know, what was I supposed to Write about for the February Acid Logic before Lemmy passed away? Oh, I remember - An essay about “The Ingrown Toenail That Brought London To It’s Knees” - Great Movie! You ever see that? Peter Cushing plays Dennis, a Sneaky Bastard with a SECRET! Oh, did I wander off a bit there? Sorry, I can’t keep my Mind on Lemmy’s Death without it shutting down and then I wander into traffic. This Morning I got hit by a truck. I keep this up and next Month I’ll be Writing about MY Death - And it won’t be funny!
Oh, why did it have to be Lemmy, WHY? Easy Answer - He was OLD. Once a Man turns Seventy it’s no surprise when you look at the Internet and find out that a Japanese Girl is naked. I mean, once a Man turns Seventy it’s no surprise when you look at the Internet and find out that he has Died. You find out that someone has Died every time you look at the Internet and as long as it’s not a naked Japanese Girl I’ve got no complaint. We can comfort ourselves with the fact that we all knew Lemmy was going to go at any moment so we could relax and wait for something else to happen, like ABC finally dumping “The View” from it’s Morning Schedule. Learning that Lemmy Died was horrible but finding out that Joy Behar is unemployed will be even better than when that annoying Asian Girl on “The Real” . . . Let’s look at Japanese Girls on the Internet. No, once a Rock Star is in such bad Health that he is staggering off of the Stage in the middle of a Concert he is either going to Die or start The Joe Perry Project. Ha Ha Ha. That Joke was almost about Frehley’s Comet instead of The Joe Perry Project. I’m sorry, did I wander off again? At least that Time I only got hit by a Car instead of a Truck. But Ace Frehly was driving the Car! Call my Attorney!
A FAN’S CONFESSION - Motorhead has more Good Records than you can shake a Log Cabin at but I never saw Lemmy Live In Concert! I blew all my Concert Ticket Money on The Eagles just to laugh at Don Henley when he goes “The Doctor says he’s coming but you’ll have to pay in Cash!” in that stupid Girl Voice - FUNNY!
It’s Great to hear everybody saying Nice Things about Lemmy ( “He brought the Pork Chop to the Sock Hop!” - Barak Obama ) but I don’t know if I buy all this stuff about what a Nice Guy he was. I’ve heard a lot of Motorhead and that is no Nice Guy Music. Motorhead is nastier than Irish Seafood (I’m watching Tony Bourdain on TV while I Write this which accounts for my Cool, Sophisticated Attitude IS THAT ANY WAY TO CHOP BROCCOLI!?!) If I had ever met Lemmy and he didn’t slice my throat with a Bowie Knife I’d be as brokenhearted as if I met Bruce Springsteen and he wasn’t handing out Planned Parenthood pamphlets. Nice Guys don’t collect Nazi stuff, they collect “Star Wars” stuff! Maybe Nice Guys collect Third Reich Action Figures but they don’t take them out of the original packaging and wave them around going “I AM HERMAN GOERING AND I CAN FLY!!!” “Lemmy, did you make a Cape for Herman Goering out of a Paper Napkin with a Swastika drawn on it with a Red Crayon?” Although I doubt if Lemmy killed anybody. Lemmy hung out with Metallica a lot and that Lars asshole is still alive so . . . But, no - Lemmy was not a Nice Guy. NICE GUYS DON’T ROCK! I just had Morning Tea with Bryan Adams and after we watched “The View” he changed the stitches from when Lemmy sliced my throat. I told him it was a “Shaving Accident”. “Shaving?” Bryan asked “What is ‘Shaving’?”
No! I am not Writing a “David Bowie Is Dead” article! I’m Writing a “That Horrible Little Creep In Green Day Is Dead” article! Just for KICKS!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com