By John Saleeby
the future of a nation can hinge on the integrity of one man"
Mark Bowden, "Killing Pablo"
I told those punk
ass retards who created Nutty News.com that they weren't funny and should
just go offline but they wouldn't listen. And people who don't listen
don't count, got it? Sent em just one last e mail warning them that
if they stunk up the net with just one more issue of those stupid 'Funny
News Stories' I was going to be putting them out of business myself.
But did they listen? No, they did not and you know what I say about
people who don't listen, right? You WERE listening, right? Cause if
you weren't you just may be in for a little bit of what I gave to the
miserable losers of Nutty News.com. And you do not want that.
I knew from their
'Masthead' ( The nerve of those pricks to have a "Masthead", they were
beggin' for it from the very beginning ) that Nutty News.com was slapped
together by a guy named Ron Chelsey, another fool named Dave Kelman,
and a real piece of garbage who called himself Colonel Colon and drew
terrible cartoons about guys moving their bowels in various "humorous"
situations. If it wasn't for their association with Colonel Colon I
could have been persuaded to show Chelsey and Kelman a little mercy,
but they picked their horse and they made their bets and when you work
with shit you smell like shit and birds of a feather get eaten together
. . . These were the phrases that ran through my mind as I made my way
to meet these characters, these were the principles that have guided
me to do what I have done.
May 24, Somewhere
Chelsey and Kelman were tied to a couple of chairs in a small shed out
in the woods. They hadn't eaten in three days and every time they fell
asleep I'd punch em in the nose. Chelsey finally broke down crying and
begging to know what it was I wanted. Kelman, however, was a tough son
of a bitch who clearly was not about to give in. So, just to push Chelsey
over the edge I shot Kelman in the face with a thirty-eight, cut his
brain leaking head off, and dropped it in Chelsey's lap.
"What do you want?
What do you want?" he squealed.
"Colonel Colon." I
said "Give me Colonel Colon and you'll make it through this alive."
He was talking before
I could finish that lying bullshit about him making it out alive.
"Dennis! Dennis is
"Dennis? Dennis who?
Colonel Dennis Colon?"
"No! No! Dennis Schaeffer!
He works with me at the liquor store! Dennis Schaeffer!"
I picked up a chainsaw.
"You remember that
part I said about you making it through this alive?" "Yeah?"
"That was just a
He just looked at
me with his mouth hanging open. He looked like a sap.
"After all the bad
jokes you put me through with Nutty News.com. I figure I owe you at
And then I cut his
legs off, threw gasoline all over the place, and lit it up.
I sat on the hood
of the Saleebymobile and watched the flames spread to the trees.
"I told you guys
you weren't funny. I told you and I told you but you still wouldn't
stop. You weren't funny and now you're dead. You were stupid and now
I got in the car
and drove out of the woods while I still could. Cause I'm not stupid.
And I'm funny, too.
I walked into the
liquor store, Colonel Dennis Colon was behind the counter giving a red
nosed old juicer his change for a fifth of vodka.
I shouted "Your friends Chelsey and Kelman sent me!"
"Yeah, but don't
worry about them - They're dead."
I pulled out a .357
Magnum and a pile of Colonel Colon cartoons I'd copied with my printer.
"Look at this." I
said to the old drunk. "Look at these cartoons your friendly neighborhood
liquor store clerk has been drawing, Mister. Look - Colonel Colon taking
a dump in some guy's aquarium. How about that?"
"It's terrible! Look
at this one - Colonel Colon dropping a load in some little kid's sand
box. Whattya think about that?"
Here's another one, Pops! Colonel Colon taking a shit on homeplate in
the middle of a Little League game! You like that?"
"I hate it!"
"So do I! Colon,
colon, colon! Hey, where exactly is a colon, anyway? Down here?" I asked
and sliced Dennis' gut open with a hunting knife and hopped behind the
counter with him as his intestines spilled out.
"Oh, that's awful!"
the old man said as I held a fistful of pooh plumbing in front of Colonel
Colon's screaming red face.
"Yeah! There's your
colon right there, Colonel! Real funny, eh? Let's see what happens when
I shove the end in your mouth and squeeze it? Now, THAT'S funny! Let's
see if you've got room in your mouth for this . . . " And I put the
barrel of the .357 in his mouth and blew his head off.
The old guy threw
the cartoons onto the mess I'd made out of Colonel Colon and said "To
Hell with him. I didn't see a thing."
"You didn't see a
thing?" I asked with disappointment "I disemboweled the creep and blew
his brains out for you! What have I gotta do to get a rise out of you
people? Rip out his heart, throw it into a waffle iron, and feed it
to a truck driver with butter and maple syrup?"
We were out in the
parking lot by then.
"I don't need that,
I was in Korea! " he said as he got in his car and opened his vodka.
"Eh, if they don't
send you overseas you just gotta find an excuse to do it right here
at home." I said, suddenly realizing that I was standing out there in
the open with the .357 still in my hand.
"No foreign commie
could piss me off as much as that asshole in there." the old man said,
had a good long drink, and started up his car.
So that was the end
of Nutty News.com, not at all that different from the end of Wally's
Wacky Web Page, BoogerGazzette.com, MulletsUnlimited.org, and a couple
of others I can't mention because the cops have reportedly picked up
on a couple of clues I foolishly left behind and I don't want to draw
any more heat. Not that I am unwilling to take responsibility for my
crimes - But not before I get to see Matthew Broderick in "The Producers"!
A Warning From John
Saleeby To All The Crappy Humor Sites I Can't Be Bothered To Mention
But Whose Staff Members I Would Be Happy To Track Down And Gouge Their
Eyes Out, Drive Nails Into Their Knees, Chomp Their Noses Off, Rip Their
Wind Pipes Out, Blast Them In The Gut With A Shotgun Fill The Resulting
Wounds With Canned Dog Food And Throw Em Into A Crowded Veterinarian
Waiting Room: No more of these stupid 'Fake News Stories', that crap
is almost as annoying as Jennifer Love Hewitt's laugh. Oh, I know what
you're saying ( I'm monitoring your e mails and phone calls, it doesn't
take a lot of effort, you weasels don't have any friends ), "What about
The Onion? Huh? Huh? What about The Onion? The Onion does fake news
stories all the time? Huh? What about The Onion?" Yes, The Onion does
that shit, but The Onion has cash to invest in a top notch security
team to protect their cumguzzling editorial staff from The Saleeby Treatment
with electric fences, surveillance towers, guard dogs, and loudspeakers
blasting recordings of Janeane Garofalo's stand up act. You can't afford
that so, if you don't want to spend the final moments of your life wondering
if modern medicine has developed a method of reattaching the right side
of your body to the left side, give up on the "Bush Forgets Middle Initial"
stuff. Not that The Onion and that Modern Humorist mess have got it
made, it's just that before Hitler conquered Poland and France he had
to spend twenty years killing every other German crank who thought he
was going to be the one to conquer Poland and France. So don't wind
up like those poor fools in the Bavarian Frog And Polack Haters Society,
wise up to the inevitable truth that you'll never taste the delicious
thrill of our enemy's destruction until you bow your head and start
taking orders from me, John Saleeby - Lord Of Lobsters, Lepers, And
Lutherans! Think it over, Hicks - Either take down those dumb ass web
sites of yours and spend all your time telling people how great John
Saleeby and Acid Logic is or start spending as much time alone as possible
- We don't want to have any of that "collateral damage" jazz, if you
know what I mean.
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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