It's All A Buncha Crap!
By John Saleeby
May 1 , 2014
Rock Music in 2014 is about as lively as the Archduke Ferdinand in 1914. But two recent events had me sending so many angry E Mails to Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis the poor man finally squawked "So just write an article about it awready! And no Archduke Ferdinand jokes! Nobody gets that shit!" First of all, the Archduke was in Sarajevo when . . . Aw, to Hell with him! First of all, KISS and Nirvana were just inducted into The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. Yeah, KISS and Nirvana! That's like Ice Cream and Mustard! Which one would be the Ice Cream and which one would be the Mustard? That's for you to decide! Huh? Huh? Would it be easier for you to choose if I stopped staring at you with this dead baby in my hand? I don't care what you think! Let's just say that the people who were glad to see Nirvana inducted were disgusted to see KISS inducted and the people who were glad to see KISS inducted were out in the Parking Lot chugging beers while Nirvana was Blah Blah Blah who cares about Nirvana? One day I hung portraits of Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and John Lennon on the wall and stood around singing the "One of these things doesn't belong here! Two of these things are kind of the same!" Song from "Sesame Street" until Oscar The Grouch shot me. Big Deal about Nirvana! They were a good Band and made good Records, you can say the same thing about . . . Oh . . . Sweet. Try going around telling people that Sweet were as good as The Beatles and see what it gets you. You'll spend the rest of your Life in a Metal Box with Sharp Spikes going "You know . . . Sweet! 'Fox On The Run'? 'Love Is Like Oxygen'? 'You get too much you get too high, not enough and kiss your ass Good Bye'? Aw, come on!" Paul McCartney performed with the surviving members of Nirvana and it was supposed to be such a Big Honor - For Paul McCartney! Thank God Elvis has been spared such humiliation "Sorry, Elvis, Pearl Jam doesn't want to play with you, but Poison said you should send em a Demo!" Paul McCartney should have played with Ace Frehley and Paul Stanley but he's never heard of KISS. They're still afraid to tell him about Led Zeppelin. KISS kicks Nirvana's ass! There! I said it! BOLD AND UNASHAMED!
But that's not the only thing that had John Saleeby running all over the place waving a bottle of Jughead Juice and Singing "One of these things doesn't belong here . . . " to the tune of "You get too much you get too high . . . ". Malcolm Young of AC/DC had a stroke and it looked like the end of the only Metal Band worth kicking somebody's ass for making bitchy jokes about em. Oh, and by the way, if your first response to that was "Malcolm? Is that the guy in the School Boy Uniform?" that might explain why we kicked your ass. But this was Big News because some people like KISS, some people like Nirvana, but EVERYBODY likes AC/DC, right? Right? Well . . . This is John Saleeby's Big Chance to carry on like Jose Ferrer at The End of "The Caine Mutiny" and I am really gonna go to town!! Excuse me, Rolling Stone Magazine Publisher and Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Founder Jann Wenner, but not all of us were eleven years old when "Nevermind" was the very first album we ever bought. Hate to tell you this, but some of us were Teenage Kids in the Nineteen Seventies and we have been playing attention! Yeah, Mister Rolling Stone Magazine, the "Keith Richards Is The Coolest Guy In The World And All You Kids Should Try To Imitate Him In Every Way Possible" thing may have killed off a lot of us but some of us have made it to 2014 alive and I clearly remember that when AC/DC first came to the USA Rolling Stone ran about ten thousand articles about how AC/DC were the most retarded bunch of no talent shitheads in the entire History of the World. Well, they didn't really Write ten thousand articles about how much they hated AC/DC - That wouldn't have left enough Time for em to Write articles about how much they Loved Jackson Browne - but you see my point. And if you don't see my point maybe I should Write as many Acid Logic articles about it as Rolling Stone Wrote to make their bullshit point about AC/DC. What a bunch of dicks! I don't know how any of those creeps were able to look Malcolm Young in the eye when AC/DC was inducted into the Hall Of Fame
"Gee, it's great to meet you! You guys ROCK!"
Malcolm checks to see if he dropped his cigarettes ‘cause Wenner is looking down at the floor.
"'Back In Black' is a Masterpiece!"
"Is there a mouse down there? What is wrong with you?"
"Uh, I think I saw Stiv Bators down there!"
"Stiv Bators!?! Ha ha ha!"
"Ha ha ha!"
Of course, Jann Wenner isn't funny enough to come up with that Stiv Bators gag, I just threw that in cause this is Acid Logic and we are SO CRAZY!
Okay, I'm just scribbling gibberish here but I'm not gonna stop until everybody has at least three Grand Funk Railroad CDs in their collection. Aw, The Velvet Underground, YAHOOOOO!!! If Andy Warhol had ever gotten an eyeful of Mark Farner you'd all be sitting around listening to "Foot Stompin' Music" and Lou Reed never would have made enough money to screw up his liver.
Hey, Rolling Stone! Spin went outta Business - Take a HINT!
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org