The Acid Logic Guide To Squeamish Jew Humor

By John Saleeby
August 1, 2007

Jews think they're so funny just because two percent of them have become professional comedians. But ninety eight percent of them aren't funny, they're just squeamish. Like Woody Allen making faces over Diane Keaton eating a sandwich with mayonaise, Ben Stiller getting sick over Jennifer Aniston eating Middle Eastern food with her fingers, and Seinfeld with all that crap about "Man Hands", Bad Nudity", and "I don't wanna be an ORGY GUY!!" - Oh ha ha ha. If an Italian guy ever talked like that he'd wind up at the bottom of the Hudson River. You want to be as funny as your typical Squeamish Jew? Hey, you'll still be a lot funnier than any Irish guy I've ever met! Just stop whining about the last time your Parents came over for a visit long enough to study these examples, already!

THE BEACH
You're going to the beach? What are you going to get hot over some teenage girl in a bikini and shtup a sand castle? The beach? Who goes to the beach?

BLACK WOMEN
You're dating a black woman? What are you wearing a hat with an ostritch feather and sleeping in zebra striped bed sheets? Black women? Who dates black women?

BARBEQUE
You're having a barbeque? What are you going to eat potato salad with insect repellant and wear an apron that says "World's Biggest Putz"? Barbeque? Who has a barbeque?

ELVIS
You're listening to Elvis? What are you going to swallow a pharmacy and marry a twelve year old? Elvis? Who listens to Elvis?

THE INTERNET
You're using the internet? What are you propositioning Federal Agents pretending to be Puerto Rican underage homosexuals? The internet? Who uses the internet?

BEER
You're drinking beer? What are you painting your face in multicolored hues and going to the Super Bowl without as much as an undershirt? Beer? Who drinks beer?

MEXICAN FOOD
You're eating Mexican food? What are you spending the next month on the toilet and shooting guns in the air? Mexican food? Who eats Mexican food?

MICHELLE MALKIN ON FOX NEWS
You're watching Michelle Malkin on Fox News? What are you a drunken merchant marine in a Phillipino whorehouse? Michelle Malkin on Fox News? Who watches Michelle Malkin on Fox News?

MOM FLUSHING NEWBORN BABY DOWN TOILET AT MCDONALDS
You're flushing your newborn baby down the toilet at McDonalds? What are you in too much of a hurry to  give birth in a nice kosher delicatessen? Flushing a newborn baby down a toilet at McDonalds? Who flushes a newborn baby down a toilet at McDonalds?

Anti Semitic? Hey, some of my best friends are going to burn in Hell for all Eternity!

 

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com