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Irish pt. L


A few days pass.

Desiree's family has a cabin at Big Bear. Desiree's relations with her family are strained. Desiree and her step mom, who are the same age and both worked as strippers, can't stand each other.

"I can't believe it," says Desiree. "She was stripping when she met Daddy. She waves her pussy in his face a few times and next thing I know they're married. And he's so pussy whipped I want to puke. And it's like, he has to sneak around to even talk to me!"

"I know it's tuff, butterbean," says Larry, putting his arm around Desiree. "But at least your dad is letting us use the cabin in Big Bear for the weekend."

"Why doesn't he grow a pair and tell her to shove it?" says Desiree.

"Men are weak," says YoYo.

"So anyway, yeah, we're going to be out of town for a three day weekend. You guys can babysit Joe...I mean, Aloysious?" says Larry.

"No problem," says Ramona.

"He can't be using that absurd name," says YoYo. "Is he supposed to be some medieval Catholic saint who got tortured to death by heathens? How about we call him Lou?"

"Sounds good to me. Just keep track of him. Don't let him go wandering off." says Larry.

We've been having this conversation right in front of Aloysious. He has discovered Red Dead Redemption on Ramona's laptop and is oblivious to anything else.

"Is that cool with you?" says Larry.

"What, what?" says Aloysious.

"We're going to call you Lou. Aloysious is too much of a mouthful," says Larry.

"I don't like Lou. It's Chinese. For my American street name I want to be called Yoda."

"You want to be called Yoda?" says Desiree. "You want to be named after that ugly little thing?"

"Yoda perhaps was ugly outwardly, but hearts and brains he possessed like a spade," says Yoda.

"In spades," Ramona says. "He possessed heart and brain in spades, is the correct phrase, otherwise you're using a derogatory term to say he had the heart and brains of an African American."

"If he wants to be called Yoda, call him Yoda," says Larry. "So long as he makes me money I'll call him Little Bo Peep if that's what he wants."

Larry and Desiree take off in Larry's Cadillac.

Ramona and YoYo and I and, uh, Yoda are left in Ramona's RV.

"Who wants to play Scrabble?" says Ramona. She looks at Yoda, who is absorbed in another session of Red Dead Redemption on Ramona's laptop.

"Sure, I'll play," I say.

"Deal me in," says YoYo.

We all look at Yoda. He looks up.

"I do not wish to play Scrabble, thank you," he says.

"You don't like playing Scrabble?" says Ramona.

"Not really," says Yoda. "I am sorry."

"Well...that's understandable," I say.

"Sure, he was basically a slave to Scrabble up until he escaped to this country," say YoYo.

"But how could anybody not want to play Scrabble?!" says Ramona.

"Let him play his video game. We can play Scrabble, the three of us," I say.

Ramona grumbles a bit, but acquiesces.

We play two games of Scrabble and Ramona wins both.

"So you worried about Larry replacing you?" says YoYo, to Ramona, about half way through the second game.

"Replacing me?" says Ramona.

YoYo nods her head at the kid, bent over the laptop. He has earbuds in and has completely shut us out.

"I don't care about that," says Ramona.

"But what are you going to do with yourself if you don't have Scrabble?" I say.

"Maybe I'll write another book," says Ramona.

"That's not a bad idea," I say. "Any ideas?"

"A writer never talks about their ideas!" says Ramona, primly.

YoYo and I laugh out loud.

"Well we don't!" says Ramona.

It's evening by the time we're done playing Scrabble. The sky has been grey all day. There's another cool breeze. Confused tourists wander around in shorts and t-shirts. Did the plane not drop them off in sunny California? Is this some unholy con?

"What do you want for dinner?" says Ramona to Yoda.

"A peanut butter and jelly sandwich I would like," says Yoda.


"A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. On whole wheat," says Yoda.

Ramona looks perplexed. "I don't have peanut butter or jelly," she say.

"We can go over to the Ralphs on Rosecrans," I say.

"You don't want ribs? Or sashimi? Honestly, San Diego isn't a food desert. How about kim chee pizza?" says Ramona.

"Let's get the kid his peanut butter and jelly," says YoYo.

So we go over to the Ralphs and get the supplies. Ramona fixes a platter of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I haven't eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in ages. I forgot how well they can hit the spot.

Then YoYo and I head back to our van.

It's dark when there's banging on the side door of the van.

"Go away!!!!" I say, waking up.

"Fuckin' cops!!!" says YoYo.

"It's me, Ramona. We have to go to San Francisco right now!!!"

I throw on some clothes. I look at my phone. It's 3:54 am. "Hold on, hold on," I say.

I open the door. "What???" I say.

"It's Pete Moss! He got hit by a car while he was riding his bicycle. He's in the ICU at General Hospital on Potrero. We have to go to General Hospital RIGHT NOW!!" yells Ramona.

"Sign up for drama club, they said. It'll be fun, they said," mutters YoYo.