Acid Logic - Pop Culture and humor in one easy to digest package!
home columns features interviews fiction guestbook blogs
The low calorie pop culture web site for people on the go! A production

Irish pt. XXII

By Pete Moss


I love humans I really do. I've spent my whole life with them.

They give you food and a nice place to sleep.

I've thrown in with them.

But sometimes they can be so stupid.

You see, with dogs? We are much better at who's in charge. We establish the alpha pair and we stick to it. Humans don't do that. Which leads to endless petty feuds.

And we don't breed willy-nilly. Humans are like rodents.

Human females are always in heat. They can make babies any day of the year.

But with us dogs? Our bitches can only make babies during a short time every year.

So dogs don't overrun a good place to live with endless numbers of puppies.

So these things are going through my head as the humans rattle on.

I need a break. I do.

I need to get out and do doggie stuff.

Not fetch sticks.

Truth? That's something some dogs do cause they want to keep their humans entertained.

You really think a dog gives a shit about some stick?

But humans love that fetch game. So a lot of dogs indulge their humans.

But anyway I gotta get out. Get away from these humans for a minute.

And truth?

I smell a bitch.

I know there's a hot little bitch nearby.

It's a maddening scent coming in when the breeze is from the east.

I perk right up. I'm a small dog. I sense she's just my size.

So I gotta slip away from these humans for a bit of looking around.

I do worry about my humans. Will they be able to survive without me around to watch over them?

They'll have to. I need to be with my own for a bit.

So when night falls, I'll just slip away for an hour.

Well anyway, I'll wait until the three are back. They went somewhere.

I guess I'll take a nap. Not a real deep nap. Just kill some time kind of nap. Because I just got another whiff of that bitch. I know she's nearby.

Funny, I haven't thought about being around other dogs in awhile. I've been so preoccupied with my humans. They're so helpless. They need so much guidance and love.

It will be good to be around another dog.

And finally the three who were not here are back. And there's the predictable amount of noise.

Humans are so noisy. And nothing is ever resolved.

With dogs you get things done with a growl and bark and maybe a little tussle and then the pack runs smoothly. But humans have to go on and on and nothing ever gets settled.

So anyway. It's actually not a bad thing, the humans being all self-absorbed in their endless squabbles.

Makes it easy for me to slip out. I follow my nose.

And I find her about three blocks away. Except she's behind a fence. There's only room for a nose at the tiny hole in the fence. It's a wood fence.

"You're here," she says.

"Yes I am," I say. We press our noses together.

"You'll be back?" she says.

I can tell she's just my size. And intellectually we are compatible. I wouldn't want one of those big dumb gold colored longhair bitches.

"Of course I will," I say.

"How will you get through the fence?"

"I will," I say.

"I believe you," she says.

OK. I found her.

But there's a fence. One of those human things.

Dogdamn humans and all their inventions. Fences, cars, toilets. Them and their hands. With thumbs.

OK, cars. I admit I love riding in cars. All dogs love riding in cars.

But cars squash many dogs. I just don't see the need for fences though. What's up with fences? Why do humans have to put up these fences?

Well I'm strolling along home. Thinking over this fence thing. Then I smell something really tasty. Yeah, really tasty. Coming out of a bin.

I have to admit, humans are an excellent source of food.

I go over to investigate the source of this most enticing aroma. But how to get in? It's metal, and tall.

I hop up. I hop down. I should just leave it. Sooner or later some human is gonna come out and chase me off, or worse.

Humans, they throw away so much good stuff. And instead of leaving it out where the rest of us could get at it they seal it up in metal containers.

I should just leave it. But it smells exactly like a nice big beef bone. My mouth is watering. I haven't chewed on a bone in awhile. My humans have been to busy. All I've been getting is that dried up kibble crap.

Woweee, a bone would be nice. Gnawing on it. Tasting all that flavor.

Well that's it, now I gotta have it. I paw around.

A rat skitters by. Distracting. I love chasing rats.

The rat pauses.

"Whatcha doing Mr. Dog?" says rat.

I look at the rat. I want to chase it. That would be jolly good fun. But I want to get this beef bone out of the bin.

" smell that beef bone in the bin," says Rat.


"But at the same time you want to chase me, and if you catch me, kill me," says rat.

"I'm part Jack Russell," I say.

"Nobody's perfect," says Rat.

I don't say anything.

"So say I get into that bin and get that bone for you?" says Rat.

"You can do that?"

"I'm El Raton," says Rat. "What do I get back?"

I think about that. "I promise not to chase you, or kill you if I catch you." I say.

Rat looks at me. Then he skitters around to the side of the bin. I'm standing on the bin and I spin around to see what Rat is up to.

Rat slithers through an impossibly small hole in the lower edge of the bin. I wait. There's many skittering noises from inside the bin. But soon Rat's ass can be seen emerging from the rip in the bin. Rat is tugging energetically at something. I hop down off the lid of the bin.

Rat has retrieved a very nice beef bone. But it is bigger than the hole in the bin. Rat tumbles out of the gap.

"There you go," says Rat. Then he skitters off.

I go to work getting the beef bone out of the hole. twisting and pawing and tuggging. After some work I do get it out. I get a cut on my paw but who cares? It is a truly fine beef bone.

I think about taking it to show my bitch. But why tease her. She's behind that fence. I think it would be much more productive for me to take the bone home and gnaw on it while I ponder how to get her out from behind that fence.