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Impending Doom

By Cody Wayne
Dec 1 , 2002

We are a nation of Impending Doom.  Or perhaps, we are a generation of impending doom rising up through the primordial cracks, filling some quarry to the brim with synthetic hate and fear.

Yeah.  So now I’m thinking about that infomercial… the one with the miracle cleanser that cuts through anything.  Oxy-clean was it?  That fuck of an English guy would fill a clear plastic cylinder with all this grimy slimy nasty shit, and then all it took was a little cup of Oxy-clean to completely dissolve the situation.  Just a little cup of Oxy-clean and a little stirring and WHAMMO, a totally clear broth.  Don’t you love infomercials?  I love the miracles they get off on those things.  Rapid-fire miracles happenin’ in front of a lively studio audience of white suburban house wives.  It’s better than any Jesus-channel.  Ya know why?  ‘Cause the miracle that will change your life forever is being tested and affirmed clearly and without question right before your beady little eyes right on fucking television!  I’m thinking there could conceivably be a new-wave religious movement based solely on the miraculous connotations associated with any given infomercial.  The hope, pride, and joy that one could inundate their lives with once purchasing any of these “As Seen On TV” products could be chalked up as a revival movement in consumerism.  Why be a mass-consumer of any current irrelevant religious dogma, something you can’t even TOUCH, when you could have an Egg-Wave; proof positive that there is a God… one true God… just one… and It’s a guy… and He loves the convenience of quick, healthy, and shapely eggs being ready… in just minutes.

But back to the Oxy-clean idea.  Of course there’s no way that product can work that well.  Washed-up used-car salesmen are digging these miraculous ideas into your brain through strobing electrons at three in the morning.  That’s a bad selling point in any line of work.

Bottom line: there is no miracle for $19.95.  There is no miracle in three easy payments of $29.95.  There is no miracle on any extended paying plan.  There is no connection between money and miracles.  The only connection to be drawn is one of illusion, that being, having lots of money is a miracle in and of itself.  When I win $200 on a craps table in Vegas, hell, I feel as though I’ve participated in a miraculous event, but I sure as hell recognize the laws of probability playing a factor in every roll of the dice, forming only the illusion of a miracle, and a pretty lame miracle at that.           

So now, just for argument’s sake, why don’t we try to ascribe an actual value on the chances of a miracle?  Because we’ve decided that huge sums of money are seemingly miraculous, and seeing as though the chances of winning the lottery is about 1 in 25 million, we could suppose that our chances of being part of a miracle is about 0.000004%.

We have a 0.000004% chance of avoiding almost certain doom… according to our suppositions, of course.  That’s what I’m gettin’ at here, people.  According to my calculations, we are at a point where we need at least 25,000,000 units of miracle credit.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not the religious type.  When I say “miracle”, what I really mean is “cosmic intervention.”

25,000,000 units of miracle credit.  That’s a lot.  A meaningful and conclusive contact with another sentient species would undoubtedly pay off that deficit.  But, can we really sit back on our couches, in our pajamas, clutching our teddies, squeezing our eyes tight, scrunching our faces, saying, “Please please please please please please please!!!”?  Naaa, although it is a funny thought and good farts are likely to result.  Actually, the Church of the Subgenius has used this premise as one of their core belief initiatives. 

What really needs to happen is the gathering of individual units of miracle.  And since every one of us is a little miracle, then all it’s gonna take is a gathering of 25 million people to get some collective consciousness intervention goin’… and in the right direction.

It makes so much god damn sense!  Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?  Imagine a protest made up of 25 million people.  That shit’s unstoppable except by ruthless, deliberate, concentrated force.  That’s an overwhelming majority.  That’s a big voice.  It wouldn’t be the representation of a select few; it would be a direct representation of the people of the world!  That’s sayin’ somethin’.  Them’s big words.  Everyone’ll hear those words.  It’ll be an oral world bomb causing no casualties but wreaking worldwide acknowledgement.  We could hold it somewhere like the Grand Canyon.  Didn’t we have “Hands Across America” back in the 80’s?

And ya know, I always thought voting was so important to the idea of having a voice in a representative government, but I just heard the other side.  Some people don’t vote because they think the whole thing’s a sham.  They say that it’s just a device to make us, the people, pacified into thinking that we do have a say, when in actuality, the measures, reps, and judges we vote on and put into office changes very little, if anything, in the way things run.  To them, voting has become a smoke screen to the system.  Nothing will ever change because of your vote.  Damn.  I like to think that my vote does mean something.  It has to mean something or else what do I represent?  Who am I in society?  Where’s my say?  Perhaps I rely too heavily on my right to vote as my main means of saying anything.

But for real now, what about that 25 million person protest idea?  Isn’t that a good idea?  Isn’t that one of those things that seems impossible but could actually happen if it was organized and set up properly and given enough credit as a reality?  Muther fucker… that could be the answer we’ve been waiting for.  We’ve got big ole festivals for music and art, why not a total protest festival?  Woodstock had 300,000 people.  We could have 25 million muther fuckers all saying, “Fuck you,” and “Fuck it,” to every god damn thing under the sun.  25 million people screamin’ and being pissed off in a large open area.  It’ll be totally ridiculous… or… it could be totally peaceful and cool, of course, if we want it to be.  It’ll be whatever we make it.

Why not go ahead and have a world protest?  Actually, we can count on a world protest once we get the ball rollin’ with a 25 million-person protest.  Theory would dictate that once a 25 million person protest gets goin’, it ain’t never gonna stop.  It’ll just snowball into something incredible and unimaginable.  It’ll be its own catalyst.  25 million people can only erupt and flow over the whole globe in a grand sweeping gesture, eating everything in its path.  It’ll be like Critters 2: The Main Course when that big ball of critters rolls through everyone at the end.  That was some good shit.  Someone will set up loudspeakers on telephone poles for hundreds of miles in all directions blasting Pink Floyd’s Echoes on a constant loop.

Bottom line: the possibilities are limitless.  Fuck it all.  What do we have to lose?  Everyone.  Gather ‘round and protest impending doom in your neighborhood.