By John Saleeby

I don’t need no heavy trips
I just do what I like to do
- Iggy Pop

Wow! You know an Acid Logic Interesting Motherfuckers article is going to be about one hell of an Interesting Motherfucker when it opens with a quote from Iggy Pop! And right you are because this installment of Interesting Motherfuckers is about the Interesting Motherfucker of all Interesting Motherfuckers – Sammy Davis Junior! “I just do what I like to do”, huh? Sammy’s Autobiography is entitled “Yes I Can” (I’d like to read it but I’m kinda busy) Shucks, Sammy’s whole Life was entitled “Yes I Can”. And SO CAN YOU! Stop being such a pussy and be like Sammy! Or at least Iggy.

Sammy is most remembered as a member of The Rat Pack. Most kids today may think that The Rat Pack was a 1977 British Punk Band with Mohawks growing out of their teeth but even that would be cooler than anything involving Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop. But Sammy and Dean Martin were cool. Frank Sinatra? Great Singer but so was the original Lead Singer of The Joe Perry Project but when that Punk got loaded and started that “My Way” bullshit he got the shit slapped out of him and had to clean up the bathroom. Hey, if The Rat Pack was so great why wasn’t Jerry Lewis a member? Because all Jerry Lewis ever did was WORK. He was probably cleaning the bathroom at Joe Perry’s house after that Singer jerk got thrown out “Oh, Mister Perry! I cut my finger on a syringe while throwing the garbage out!” “That was no garbage! That was Steven Tyler!” Yeah, I start out Writing about The Rat Pack and I wind up making Aerosmith jokes. That’s how much I care about Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop.

But then The Sixties showed up and The Rat Pack was starting to look kind of stupid. So they all got funny haircuts, put on Suits instead of Tuxedos, bought electric guitars, and called themselves The Beatles. Sammy was Ringo. But that got pretty old after a while so they turned the franchise over to a bunch of guys who couldn’t make it into The Monkees and promptly messed everything up with that Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band garbage. Vegas was Squaresville! Imagine a Time when Hippies were more Happening than Hookers! Fuck the Sixties!

Aw, so what if Sammy wasn’t as Hip as Lester Bangs thought he should have been? You think Sammy wanted to be the Lead Singer of Led Zeppelin or some shit? “Jimmy Baby. let’s do a little Soft Shoe routine during the percussion beak on ‘Whole Lotta Love’! What!?! You don’t know how to Tap Dance? What the hell has Show Business come to? Bonzo My Man, let’s a ‘Walking Against The Wind’ pantomime bit! Bonzo? Bonzo? Hey, Jimmy, Bonzo’s dead! Does Peter Lawford know how to play drums? The goofy bastard has got to be good at something!”

Sammy made a ton of records but his only Number One Hit was that “Candy Man” thing from “Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Woo Hoo” or whatever thing thought it was trying to be. “Candy Man” sucks but Thank God it’s not on the Radio as much as “Magic Man”

Come on Home, girl, he said with a smile
We can take a rainbow
Sprinkle it with dew
Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two

But try to understand, try to understand, try try try to understand
He’s the Candy Man,
Mama Oh, he’s got sticky hands

I’m going to record a cover of that with Steve Vai and Billy Sheehan. WHOA! Saleeby tries to do one of those split legged jumps off of the Drum Riser, crashes, loses an eye . . .

Oh, yeah! Sammy lost an eye in a car accident! But he sho’ looked tough with that eye patch! But Sammy was so little a standard eye patch would have wrapped him up like Rocky Balboa in a deflated Goodyear blimp so they took a couple of Protons out of an eye patch Molecule and made one for Sammy that made him look like Jimminy Cricket as Captain Hook. Hey, can you imagine Sammy with a HOOK? “Sammy! Go take a drive with Vince Neil! He’s going on a beer drum! Razzle, you stay here and give Peter Lawford a drum lesson.”

And, Yeah Yeah Yeah, Sammy was a Black Jew, Yadda Yadda Yadda. I would have written a lot of stupid jokes about that but every time I started one some creep at Face Book pushed a button and my ink pen would explode. OW!!! Is it possible to enjoy Japanese School Porn with TWO eye patches on your head?

Boy, it was just one thing after another with that Sammy Davis Junior! Why couldn’t he just be an ordinary guy like Peter Lawford? Because Sammy was no ordinary guy. Sammy had a Lust For Life! Lust For Life! So when David Bowie visited him after that car accident and suggested they go to Berlin and . . . Oh, I’m sorry, I got my existential heroes mixed up. But Sammy never got mixed up. He mixed it up with Love and made it all taste good. Barracuda!

What do you think America? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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