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How a Politician Can Get Re-Elected For Life

By Johnny Apocalypse
October 1, 2012

So here I am, a pretty non-political guy, being dragged through time into another election year. I vote, I research issues, and that’s where it ends. You’ll never see me in a protest, you’ll never run into me outside a supermarket trying to get your signature on a petition, you’ll never see me writing stuff trying to convince you to vote one way or the other.

And yet, here I am, writing something political.

The good news: I wouldn’t consider this left or right wing politics. Just some good, sound advice on how a federal-level politician can get re-elected to an office for however many terms they’re allowed to take. It’s as close to a guarantee as possible, and best of all, it’s pretty simple.

The bad news: It’ll never happen. You’ll see why soon enough.

Now step one is simple, but not easy. Get elected to a public office, namely the Senate or The House of Representatives. How to get the office in the first place is up to you.

Step two- introduce a bill to have the federal reps and senators take a pay cut. It doesn’t even have to be a big one, let’s say five to ten percent. Be sure to publicize the hell out of this. This was done once in 1993, and it was re-introduced in 2011. Be sure to include why you’re proposing the pay cut, and what you plan to do with the funds If it were me proposing the pay cut, I’d tell people it’s to help arm the wildlife with broadswords, but you can choose whichever reason you like.

Now step three, which is the most important part- start throwing other politicians under the bus. Whether or not the bill passes is actually inconsequential, it’s the fact that you’re trying to get it done, and the additional fact that you’re now going to expose all those who voted against the bill. Every single one of them, in as public a fashion as you can. That will get you some votes, but only if you do it right.

By “doing it right”, I mean that you have to throw every politician who voted against the bill under the bus. Not just your party, since plenty of people will be happy to point that out during election time. Both parties, including your own, and anyone else you care to add to the list. Every single one of them, under the bus.

“But Johnny” some whiney politician says, “you have no idea how important party loyalty is!”

While I can probably take a pretty fair guess as to how important it is, you’re asking the wrong question. Don’t ask how many voters know how important party loyalty is, but ask just how many of them care. And I’m sure that some of them do. But I think that amount of votes earned will be worth it.

“I tried to get our wages cut in order to spend more tax money on free beer for the blind, and here is the COMPLETE list of assholes who thought their paycheck was more important.”

As I said before, publicity on this is important. The more word you can get out over who voted against it would effectively show how serious you are about your bill. Lots of taxpayers think congress should take a pay cut, and anyone you can prove to have tried to stop the efforts, regardless of whether or not the bill passed, will likely be running a futile campaign the next time they’re up for re-election.

It’s ideas like this that would stop me from ever getting into politics, if I so desired. Well, that and my belief in outlawing reproduction and celery. But the way I would conduct myself would pretty much kill things for me. Because I would throw EVERYONE under the bus. Fellow congressmen, the president, his cabinet, the supreme court, state governors, foreign dignitaries. Literally everyone I could. I’d probably make it my campaign slogan. “Throwing the whole government under the bus!”

Of course, the only time you see this is during the campaign season, and it’s just one politician throwing his opponent under multiple buses. But throwing your opponent under the bus is commonplace. That’s why my approach is a bit different. Anyone who opposes you, even if they’re never someone you’d run against or a member of your own party. You’re trying to get things done and these assholes stopped it from happening.

Dear god, this is the most political crap I’ve ever written. And it’s not even all that political. Ugh. I’m going to end this on a different note. Let’s see here… Hey, did you see that movie “Dredd”? Pretty badass! Go check it out if you get the chance, highly recommended.

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