Electric Tough Guy Land
By John Saleeby
September 1st, 2005
With the recent publication of Charles R. Cross' "Room Full Of Mirrors - A Biography Of Jimi Hendrix" millions of Rock fans were astonished to learn that Jimi Hendrix got out of the United States Army by pretending to be a homosexual. Well, at least Hendrix served in the Army BEFORE pretending to be a homosexual! That's one hell of a lot cooler than claiming to be gay just to beat the draft like a lot of other guys, including Ted Nugent, Bruce Springsteen, and Chevy Chase, did. And Hendrix wasn't in just ANY Army outfit, buddy, he was in the elite 101st Airborne Division! The Screamin' Eagles!! The Battlin' Bastards Of Bastogne!!! The . . . Sorry, forgot this was a culture mag. Is Michael Stipe mad at me?
And yet, one can't help but wonder - What if, instead of being discovered by Chas Chandler and going to London to become The King Of Psychedelia, Jimi had signed up with Colonel Tom Parker and went to Hollywood to star in the same kind of Rock And Roll "Service Comedy" Elvis had already gotten sick of? Hhhmmm . . .
PARAMOUNT PICTURES PRESENTS
JUMPIN' JIMI HENDRIX
DON KNOTTS AS "DOC"
DIRECTED BY NORMAN TAUROG
SPECIAL "PSYCHEDELIC HALLUCINATION" SEQUENCE BY KEN ANGER
Throughout the credit sequence Jimi is seen cheerfully floating through the clouds from a parachute, playing guitar, and singing the theme song . . .
JIMI: Schemin'! Schemin' Eagles! Ain't too long til we're really in a mess! Let's get out of the Army by putting on a dress! Cause we're schemin'! Schemin' Eagles! Aw, shucks!
Jimi plays a guitar solo climaxing with terrifying Atomic Bomb sounds as he lands on top of his barracks and crashes through the roof.
Inside the barracks, Jimi's buddies Ted, Bruce, and Chevy are dressed up in women's clothes and holding guitars. The Atomic Bomb sounds and pieces of the ceiling caving in frighten them so much their Ladie's Wigs pop up off of their heads and into the air.
CHEVY: It's the Atomic Holocaust!
TED: All right! Now we'll be dead before we have to go to 'Nam!
Jimi lowers down from the ceiling holding their wigs.
JIMI: Dig it, fellas! I was just attacked by these strange fur bearing creatures! Here you are, Ted, you may kill and cook them if you choose to do so.
TED: Our wigs!
CHEVY: Don't worry, Bruce. Ted isn't going to eat your wig.
BRUCE: Ted good!!
JIMI: So you guys are serious about trying to get out of the Army by pretending to be confused about your sexuality, eh?
TED: You can say that again!
CHEVY: No, don't - This is only a ninety minute feature.
JIMI: You might want to think twice about that.
CHEVY: Twice?! This thing is going to be longer than "Cleopatra"!
CHEVY: Jimi, Did you know that Lenny Bruce got out of the Navy by pretending to be a homosexual?
JIMI: Lenny Bruce?
JIMI: But is Lenny Bruce really . . . funny?
CHEVY: Not really.
TED: But, Jimi, we just got orders to go to 'Nam in two weeks!
CHEVY: I don't have time for Vietnam - I've got only twelve years to go before I stop being funny!
JIMI: Aren't you being rather selfish?
TED: Jimi! The kids are so crazy for Rock And Roll music right now that guitar players like us will have it made!
JIMI: I've really got to play some Dylan for that kid.
A chunk of the ceiling falls on top of Jimi's head.
JIMI: Ain't no life nowhere!
Jimi passes out on the floor . . .
"Psychedelic Hallucination Sequence"
Jimi onstage playing "The Star Spangled Banner" on his guitar in front of pasture full of thousands of worshipping hippies . . .
Jimi backstage as a hippie gives him a joint. He takes a puff and a second hippie gives him a handfull of white pills. A third hippie gives him a bottle of Jack Daniels to wash down the pills. Jimi looks like he is going to be sick as the first hippie gives him another joint and the second hippie gives him a handfull of red pills. The third hippie offers him the bottle of Jack Daniels but Jimi spits up the pills and tries to run away as they all come at him with giant hypodermic needles . . .
Jimi is lying in a huge bed. A beautiful hippie girl comes in, takes off all of her clothes, and gets in bed with him. A second beautiful hippie girl comes in, takes off all of her clothes, and gets in bed. The girls wait for Jimi to make a move, nothing happens. One of them gives Jimi a nudge on the shoulder. Nothing happens. The girls look at each other with alarm . . .
A bunch of hippies standing around a grave. The tomstone reads "JIMI HENDRIX - HE GAVE HIS LIFE FOR . . . . UH . . . " One of the hippies looks over and notices the two girls that were bed with Jimi earlier are still there only now they're making out with each other. Everybody immediately forgets about Jimi and goes over to watch the girls . . .
Jimi's head pops out of the grave . . .
JIMI: I've had all I can stands, I can't stands no more!!
TED: He's awake!!
Back in the barracks, Jimi leaps to his feet . . .
JIMI: All right, Ladies! Drop and give me fifty!
CHEVY: I'm going out for a cup of coffee!
Chevy dives out of the window.
Bruce and Ted fall to the floor and begin pumping out push ups.
JIMI: Listen up! Next time I hear any talk about getting out of the Army by pretending to be a homosexual I am going to put my boot so far up your ass it will be the very first "Boot Up Your Ass" joke that is genuinely amusing rather than merely disturbing!
Jimi has smashed up all of their guitars, sprayed the wreckage with a can of lighter fluid, and lit it up with a match.
JIMI: Now, when I walk back into this barracks in five minutes this fire will have been extinguished and both of you will be in battle dress uniform with full field pack and a two hundred pound weight strapped to the bottom of each boot for a five hundred road march, do you understand me!?
Bruce and Ted are on their forty nineth push up. The fire has spread to their wigs and dresses.
BRUCE AND TED: Yes, Sergeant Hendrix!
Climactic musical number . . .
JIMI: Screamin' Eagles! We're Screamin' Eagles!
Jimi, Ted, Bruce, and thousands of other Screamin' Eagles are making a parachute drop into the jungles of Vietnam . . .
JIMI, TED, AND BRUCE:
Screamin' Eagles! We're Screamin' Eagles! We're real men, there's no doubt! Where ever sexual depravity rears it's ugly head we will come in and stomp it oooouuuuuttttt!!!
They look down and see that Chevy, still dressed up like a woman, is being chased through the jungle by some very smitten Viet Cong.
CHEVY: Help, fellas! These guys wanna sell me into White Slavery!
Jimi, Ted, and Bruce look at each other and laugh heartily.
TED: That guy!
JIMI: Too much!
A HAL WALLIS PRODUCTION
There! And we got all the way through it without any "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" jokes!
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John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org