By John Saleeby
May 1, 2009
I saw all the Great Metal Bands of The Seventies when I was a kid. But we didn’t have “Metal” in those days, we had “Hard Rock”. I guess in the Early Eighties The Van Halen Brothers and The Guy In Def Leppard Who Got Fired For Being Drunk All The Time smashed up all the Hard Rock, melted it, poured it into a mold, and . . . I don’t understand all that High Tech talk, I’m a Seventies Person! So here are all the “Metal” Bands that I saw in the decade before Music went down the friggin’ toilet – And took me with it!
Kiss – The New Orleans Municipal Auditorium
I don’t care if you believe this or not, but Kiss was really great. They sounded fantastic. Don’t believe it? Screw you! The make up, lighting, and special effects were amazing. Don’t believe it? Drop dead! I’ve seen Iggy, Springsteen, and The Clash – Kiss was better than all those guys. Don’t believe it?Blow me! I picked up a totally hot little chick after the show and had nonstop sex with her until High School Graduation. Don’t believe it? Yeah, I knew I’d push it too far. I was listening to “Love Gun” and got carried away. Sorry.
Aerosmith – Baton Rouge Riverside Centroplex and Biloxi Gulf Coast Coliseum
All the guys I hung out with in High School thought Aerosmith was The Best Band Of All Time which is probably why I don’t hang out with those guys anymore. The albums before they got into heroin are great but Aerosmith was so smacked out live no wonder I bought all those Ramones and Sex Pistols records not long afterward. But not even that got rid of those guys and their Joe Perry solo albums! Should I have gotten into British Prog Rock? Military School would have been cooler than that. Joe Perry went to Military School, you know.
The second time we went to see those junkie nitwits was mildly entertaining because we were seated right behind some silly little chick who was chaperoned to that debacle by not just her Mother but her GRANDMOTHER as well! So we got to sit there and smoke dope, drink beer, and make jokes about how after the show we were going to take them out on the town, show em a real good time . . . And we probably would have if those no good Aerosmith idiots hadn’t come out and PISSED EVERYBODY OFF with their half assed Aerosmith bullshit. “You were right, lady – This was a TERRIBLE idea!” Every time I go to a public event I try to find an old lady to say that to on the way out. It’s Good Luck!
Queen – New Orleans Municipal Auditorium
Sorry, Folks, I was so drunk when I saw Queen I probably forgot to wear my Tiara. All I remember for sure is that I did not like Freddie Mercury very much. Why? I don’t remember. Was it because he was a big fat sweaty guy? I hate big fat sweaty guys. Was it because he played fifteen minute drum solos like those jerks in Santana? I hate fifteen minute drum solos. Was it because he was a total homo? I wouldn’t hold that against a guy. Was it because he was so loaded he couldn’t stand up? After Aerosmith that wouldn’t have been no shocker. Was it because he was a prancing little fairy? Didn’t that already come up? Was it because he tore a picture of the Pope in half and told us to “Fight The Real Enemy!”? I think I would have remembered something like that. Was it because he was an annoying queer? Why does that keep coming up?
But they were probably pretty good.
Ted Nugent – The New Orleans Warehouse And The Baton Rouge Riverside Centroplex
Allright! Just when we were getting sick of Kiss, Aerosmith, and Queen here comes Ted Nugent to put the British Punk Invasion off by another twelve months. Where else do you think they found time to learn how to play reggae? Ted was really cool and, if you aren’t a Tree Hugging Feminist Bolshevik , he’s still cool. Ted hadn’t started screaming at audiences about Gun Rights, Islamo Fascism, and Illegal Immigration quite yet. All he hollered at us about back then was . . . Uh . . . What was that? . . . Hhmmmm . . . Oh, I remember – Pussy! That’s right, Ted was always yelling at us about pussy. God, am I getting old. Maybe I should pick up a new copy of “Cat Scratch Fever”. And a few Marilyn Chambers videos . . .
(Saleeby breaks down crying)
Van Halen – New Orleans Superdome
Saw Van Halen opening for The Rolling Stones who were predictably awful. Well, not “predictably”. If that was true I would have been at home doing my homework. Van Halen’s debut album had just come out and we’d heard “You Really Got Me” on the radio but we were too busy looking forward to seeing the stupid Stones to give Van Halen any thought. It was the Late Seventies, if we were going to drop everything and parade down Canal Street every time a new band with a crazy lead singer and a hot shit guitar player came along we never we never would have found out about John Belushi. So Van Halen came out onstage at the Superdome and, to be honest, we just sat there and looked at them like they were crazy or something. Yeah, they were ROCKIN’, but all that jumping around, laughing, and pumping their fists in the air – What the hell was that supposed to be? Thirty years later it is obvious that the Monkey Business we saw in the Superdome that night was a premonition of what Rock And Roll would be five years later in the Early Eighties. How else can you explain how freakishly “upbeat” Van Halen were that night? Nobody was upbeat in the Late Seventies - We were too beat up! And now I know that if The Stones had come out and played well it would have rent the Fabric Of Reality as badly as Van Halen had. No, even more! If The Stones had been any good at all that night in the Superdome it would have been nothing less than an abomination in The Eyes Of God, an obscene violation of His Most Sacred Laws Of Nature! Our fevered brains would have burst our skulls apart as the roof of the mighty Dome collapsed leaving us to putrify together in a mass grave of rubble laying forever undisturbed lest our condemned Souls be released to wander The Realm Of The Living.
“Damn! Good thing that didn’t happen!” – Michael Anthony
Cheap Trick – New Orleans Warehouse
Going to these cockamamie concerts was bound to pay off eventually and, boy, did I hit the bank when Cheap Trick came to town. Looking back, this was The Best Rock And Roll Show That I Have Ever Seen – And, mind you, I’ve seen King Missile! Cheap Trick was The Best Band In The World when I was Seventeen Years Old and nobody knows more about Rock And Roll than a Seventeen Year Old Kid. The Best Band Today in 2009? How the hell should I know? I’m forty eight years old! So you tell me about 2009, I’ll tell you about 1978, and in 1978 Cheap Trick was TOPS! What? You’re talking about 2009? Sorry, kid, I’ve got an article to write. Here’s a CD of Cheap Trick’s “Heaven Tonight”. If you don’t like it . . . Wait, here’s “Rock And Roll Over” by Kiss . . . You ever heard Queen’s “News Of The World”? It’s got . . . Look! The first Starz album with “I Pulled The Plug On My Love”! Wait a minute, where’s “Toys In The Attic”? Shit!
The Patti Smith Group – Ol’ Man Rivers
Not really a Metal Band. I just want everybody to know what a fuckin’ hipster I am!
Led Zeppelin – New Orleans Superdome
Had tickets for this but it was cancelled when Robert Plant’s little boy died. I didn’t know John Bonham was Robert Plant’s Son! But seriously, maybe the kid is better off – Just look at Ozzy’s kids! Or Steven Tyler’s daughter in that shitty movie “The Strangers” – She’s retarded, right? Even Jennifer Connelly makes jokes about how stupid she is. Hey, the god damn concert never happened, I’ve gotta write jokes about SOMETHING! Shit.
Hey, I think I left “Toys In The Attic” out in the car. Let’s go see . . . LOOK OUT FOR THE DOG!!
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John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org